Sunday, January 31, 2010

"a big favour"

this term is used often in my extended family. i hate it. yes, i'm consciously using the word hate to describe something. it's never a big favour and when i dont want to do it, it ends up being a BFD and i usually CBF giving a dam about these people. yes, these are the people who let me stay at their house while my mother was away for almost a month one year, but they were also the people who displaced me from my room so i ad to sleep on the bleddy couch. hehe, aren't i a horrible person? i unconditionally love these people.. but sometimes, being alone, in my space of my own... it's what i like.
so church was okay today. the cute guy and i served together. he said something along the lines of "you know how i said that i'd call you?". me: "uhhuuuh" (i was a little busy lighting candles), him: "yeah well i forgot.. sorry". i mean s'okay. i really really dont know him. he hates tetris. thats a deal breaker right there isnt it?
so yea... i dont know where the rest of me is going. the dark mood has lifted for a bit, thanks to distraction... but will it be back? prolly.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

it's because i'm good at maths isn't it?

i think i mightve figured it out. i cant be happy because i can put two and two together. it's because i get a's in maths. curse you, brian!! i mean brain. :) i'm thinking of starting a series of one panel pieces about what my dark moods and i do together. yes, like go to lunches, and go shopping and things. im not uber up right now, in fact im relatively low. i'm also suffering from insomnia. so yes... googling things, it is.

Friday, January 29, 2010

post before bed.

i drew something... because i've been feeling uber sad and relatively useless. i blame people. more specifically guys. girls say things to your face but it never so much as stings. some guys are like that too. most of the guys i know have that special skill to make something hurt for a long time. whether it's teasing me about my hair, about me... i can't handle it well. i said to someone that i liked them and now i don't know if it still stands. i'm scared to think about it. i'm scared of... a whole lot of stuff.
i called my friend to try and talk about it but i couldnt say the words. i couldn't say "I'm sad". i hung up after a awkward conversation, for me mostly i think, and i felt no better. i was still sad, but now i was angry. angry at him. why do i have to deal with this? i want to ask why i'm not good enough. why i don't deserve even the smallest reply. i'm probably never going to ask him anything. maybe because all the problems are me. just me. it's not as if he cares right? its not as if it matters to him. i'm nobody.
i'm just a thing, a big ugly body which does nothing much apart from hurt people sometimes and do well in maths. i'm just someone who likes video games because then i don't have to be me. sometimes i; something that might say something smart, depending on the company. but really i'm nothing. i'm no one. i was never an idea, just an accident.
never again.... or maybe once more.

so... im down, or is it the other up?

we had fun sports today. i got very wet, and my body hurts. the team i'm in came second. was like "yay!" and stuff. also, i spent about $5 on coke, sadly i didn't get to drink it all. but i shared so is okay. so... yeah. yay team!
the first week of school is over, thank god. it's been a long time, and stuff like that. tiring. so, yeah. and people have been okay... the school gang. also, i met someone on my bus who had been my junior in my old school and is again now. shows how small the world is. or something... i don't know. i hurt everywhere. and i'm very tired.
i couldn't nap properly because i had to make dinner... not that i dont like making dinner, it was mince, mash and lettuce... basically. it tasted good. i'm not hungry anymore. i think i'll lie back down again. yay lying down! :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hate kids?

kids in reference to little children. i don't like them. i find most of them insane, irritating, loud and so so innocent. i miss being that age. i miss the whole "everything will be fine and i'm going to go to my parents and get a hug". sure, it might have just been my dad who i sought hugs from because i spent a lot of time with him as i grew up, but it's just something i really really miss.
i tried to read page 103 of the first autobio that we as an english class are going to study. i tried and tired. i begins along the lines of "when i was 11, my mother died". i tried not to let it get to me. it hit me and it hurt. i trieed to vent with painting and drawing, but it still hurt. yeah, i miss my dad.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

back at school am i

im finally a senior properly! with a common room! im so happy. one more year, then relative freedom. i makes me happy. not even whingey little expat children can get me down.
yet :D

Friday, January 22, 2010

i'm... out of my head now.

well, i'm going out of my mind. i've been in and out rural communities for a while. i'm tired but it isn't over yet. i also have issues. i don't know. issues issues issues i have. with money, with school, with work, etc etc etc. i'm going crazy and i have little to distract me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Back for a bit.

Yes yes... it's another one of these. i got new shoes for school, a watch and a headache while getting some school prep done. i was supposed to hang out with a friend today but... /sigh. it never happened. you can never count on a poofta when you really need to giggle. so...i'm going tomorrow. and yes, i will miss you internet. i drew something. because i wanted to :) i should probably put a few more things innit with photoshop, or make it prettier or something. but i wont. because i'm lazy :) and one day, i will learn that camping gmail is unhealthy.http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/017/1/c/Squiggles_by_UltimateVivi.jpg
kekeke :)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

When I met...?

So i watched "When Harry Met Sally" a few nights back. i squealed, i giggled, i awh-ed. it was sweet, sad, beautiful, and funny. i wish things that happened in this movie happened to me. it was so damn sweet at the end. the characters may have been crazy, so crazy to be believable, and the story just so damn sweet...
The hair is retro, the movie is old, billy crystal is young, and i loved this movie. i nearly cried. i wanted so much for meg and billy to end up together. and they did. and i smiled. sometimes i think love might be real, especially after watching a movie like that, or finishing pride and prejudice. i feel like crying, but i think that something so widely used can't be fake. maybe. i definitely recommend it.

http://www.pineapple.com.hk/blog/ignatius/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/movie-when-harry-met-sally11.jpg
i love this movie so so much :)

Back?

Well, i am for a little while. just back from the west and i was about to do a major dump of sad mumbo jumbo but i changed my mind. i think i'll just post my sad feeling about being lonely :P
well, i think that i'll never have a family of my own. it's very likely. i mean, why would i reproduce? i hate children. they're just like dogs that talk. you clean them, feed them, teach them things, let them make their own mistakes until they're old enough to bugger about by themselves, but even then they always come around when it's time to eat. i was looking after a little boy at a work thing while his grandmother was being part of the program. i drew for him, and he started talking to me after a while. then there was discussion, i read to him for a bit, and while i was doing other work he followed me around for a bit. was interesting. my mother also tried to joke me into a fixed marriage to some random guy if he had lots of money. i'm terrified of marriage. even if it was a fixed one, what would be the terms? would i have to make babies? i'm terrified of being pregnant. the idea of this little parasitic thing and is icky..
/sigh.
"do you liek dates?"
"not really, but it depends who's paying"
i had that convo with a woman i work with. she is funny, as am i. i was the "paying" one. so cute guy hasnt called by i dont mind. i dont really like him apart from him being cute. i hardly know him. whereas i have had my first "BIZ-URRNN" experience. wasnt too pleasant i was in the west feeling sorry for myself and my prediction that i will never really be happy. content, yes, but happy? that's like asking for fresh strawberries and cream while in Ba. Ba isnt fun. it's hot and boring and i got sunstroke this week. i was going to throw up when we went for food afterwards in Lautoka, but when i saw the bathrooms, i went to sit back down. never again will i consider using public bathrooms. i have a strange fear of them. like tennis balls. tennis balls seek me out and hit me whenever i'm nearby. it's terrifying. okay. i think that's it. i'm going to listen to some hellogoodbye, the band, to feel good. sure it's about love and these uppy-jumpy songs... but makes me smile. :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

bad night.

no one slept properly. i hardly slept... and all because of someone who took my phone. you see, i was just hanging out in my room, reading some sandman, lying around, and i get up to go to the bathroom, come back and i can see my netbook. reason? the bed is all messed up. alarms went off a bit. i'm obsessive complusive really and i didnt leave my bed like that. teh netbook was okay, but couldnt see my phone. so look around, got albie (my brother) to look for it, we called it, the guy answered after a few calls, i never heard what he said, and then...well... /sigh.
police came over, etc etc. i'm just upset. teh universe is against me. i have one good day and everything falls apart after i'm feeling happy. i had finally been able to say/type a few things. i had a nice (and kind of cute) guy get my number... and this? the balance is maitained and the world makes sense again?
:(

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i did something!


feeling better, i am

so... today was interesting. i went to church, talked to the cute guy i serve with (who my mother "approves" of... this isn't encouraging) and he asked for my number which was a bit "squee". but thing is i like someone else... or something like that. i told that guy who hasn't really reacted in any way so might just say yes if cute guy ever asks me to a movie or something. is a guy says "so i'll call you" in a church... what does that mean? /sigh.
so yes. the internet is horrible. you can tell someone something you'd never say to their face and you wonder how they had taken it. what bothers me is that maybe he just looked at the text and gone "meh, as if" or something like, "uh... won't this be awkward later?". although... i was hoping he won't talk to me afterwards. especially because i don't know how he reacted. so... was i supposed to bring it up? was i supposed to say NOTHING?? or was i meant to go "so how do you feel?". i am a bit obsessive, you might have noticed, as i can't handle people. if i don't know how they react... how am i to respond? if any of this makes sense... i'm still dealing with problem A. A being dad. i remember him not letting me answer the phone because a boy rang me once to check the homework we had been given. i remember when i first ever went out with someone (which i haven't done again because it was traumatising) i cried that night because i wanted my dad to be there to tell me off or to meet him or to just... be. my mother's reaction was "eeeeeeeek! you aren't gay~!" or something like that.
so my brother got a fish. he's never had a pet of his own before. the fish really doesnt like me. it tried to jump out of the bowl when i talked to it. he also called it "fishsticks". if you've seen the south park episode where kanye west doesnt get the "fishsticks=fishdicks" joke. say it everyone! say fishdicks and then say fishsticks really quickly. they sound the say right??
Image upload!! :D So... kbai!!
http://rlv.zcache.com/do_you_like_fishsticks_tshirt-d235795306738722821trym_325.jpg
do like putting them in your mouth?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

$7 call

i made one, to my best friend. we're both going through some stuff, he with some friends of hers, and i with all my sad nonsense. i miss her. she used to live in suva but moved to the rurals of lautoka... which is far, far away (about 4 hours drive from suva). i'll be going there for work for a few days, but because it's work i probably wont be able to see her. it sucks, but it's the reality i have to live in. so... considering actions regarding my issues. do deal with or not to deal with? that is the first question. the question after answering "to deal with!" is "uh...how?". i might be getting some recommendations. or might not. it really depends. i am hopeless and can't solve my own problems. although, i'm awesome at helping others out. i know everything that shouldn't be done, but what to do... that's still a little bit of a mystery for me. it's kind of a situation where one knows that you should never stick your hand in a toaster to make toast... but for how long should you leave that bread in there? bad example, yes. as toast is relatively straight forward. never black, usually light brown, toast should be.
something that i feel comfort about is that i'm very sure that no one reads this. i never get comments, so that means no readers. right? so, i'm not being all whine-y because it isn't as if anyone is on the receiving end. still on regina spektor. is very chill. i likes. lolwhut? :P

Friday, January 8, 2010

I apologise for emo overload.


So... i've been drawing to vent a bit. first was a kind of self portrait. i was... tired. and sad. and i realise that my head looks liek a pumpkin, so i drew the pumpkin princess! lookit! fail keyblade! i have been playing too much of that kingdom hearts stuff. it's around 11pm now... i have an interview in 12 hours. i'm not prepared at all. i dont even have a tape. stupid work. sigh. sleep.


100th!

it's my hundredth post. i'm currently on a regina spektor high. i like her music, because it's all over the place and i really like her voice. is very nice, with the highs. and stuff. so... to admit i've been very emotional lately. i've been riding the sad train, i had my fun on the emotional rollercoaster, i took a spin in the Jaguar that is my emotions. i realised that my ex was the one who gave me regina spektor. i also was sad because i have that wish to hang out with people who probably can't stand me. i've also really been missing my dad. christmas and new year are never the same. life has never really felt right. i have regrets, yes, and i wish that i didn't. then again, it isn't as if i've really said anything out loud, or at least had anyone tell me that it's okay to feel. i got asked after my dad on thursday, by a woman artist who was the first ms hibiscus. i had to tell her that he had passed away. she looked a bit shocked. i was able to say a few words about it without even having to stop to suppress sobs. of course i got home feeling sick, as i haven't been well lately, and that was it. i didn't hide in my room, i didn't write a long, sad poem. i didn't draw something that had no meaning, no sense. i just threw it aside. i ignored it. it can't be healthy can it? i don't really have anyone to consult about this. i can't talk to my mam. i love her too much to pile this stupid stuff on her since she has so much work otherwise. i can't talk to my brother can i? he never talks about dad. i don't really have anyone that i could call to talk about it. i can't talk to my best friend. she'd be too deep about the situation and i don't feel like that's what i want right now. i don't want to be deep. i want to forget just a bit longer, or at least i just want to be told that everything is alright. or at least that nothing can possibly be any worse than it was. i want to just figure this out this year. i want to figure out what i want. yes. all i know i want is that i want to figure out who. who i am, who i want to be and who i need to be in between all that. who? maybe myself. i think that would be nice for a change. but wait! who am i again? i was once told that the best thing about me was my positivity. i think that person had no idea who they were talking to. rather, i don't think that, i know that. so... that whole thing was a bit painful. the funny thing is that this blog is a lot more secret than diaries i've written. diaries are always found though. found, used and burned. but you can't burn the internet. you can never find something you want. you can't use something you think you've found. it's a nice change.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

too much? nah!

i finished KH2, i think i mentioned, but today i started KH1. It's okay, but getting used to the relatively archaic controls was a hassle. so... i played all day, but stopped for a shower, of course, to make dinner and to do human things i suppose.
i like the story, i still cry in the emotional bits, and i really want to finish it myself.. but i probably wont be able to.
i have work tomorrow, friday, saturday and i think sunday too..that, and i'm sad. well... i get sad a lot. but.. lately... it's been a bit worse. stupid mind of mine. makes things complicated with the feelings and the people.
but on the bright side, i'm doing absolutely nothing about it, so hopefully it will curl up and die eventually.

Not childish per se…

(as written at about 11.30 last night)

I’m a cry baby, I admit it. I cry a lot. Well, cry during videogames, at the ends mostly, because, of course, the RPGs I play are never uber happy. In fact, I finished kingdom hearts 2 on my own lately. I was overwhelmed. I had played from Sunday evening to Tuesday night. Then I was finished with 92% of the journal done. I beat the boss myself, apart from one part where I freaked out and handed it to my brother for about 15 seconds, and I was watching the final movie and I started to cry. My face was frozen up, tears fell from my eyes, and before I knew it I was sobbing hysterically. I tried to call a friend so I could shout “say something funny!” down the phone to stop me crying but the call got diverted. I was discouraged. And having a sore face, sore eyes and been in a discouraged mood is never good.
On the video game side, I like kingdom hearts 2. Is awesome. A mindless action RPG is just what I needed today. Button mashing kept my mind off things and the obsessive nature I possess gave me the strength to get all the treasures, the ultimate weapons and finish all the storylines. There is also a thing called drives, and I also got all the drive modes. It’s a bit sad, in retrospect, but I initially had the day planned to be boring and sad.
I couldn’t sleep because I think the coffin makers across the road were making coffins, as they do, and dogs were barking and my mind was wandering. I was on the verge of calling someone at 2 in the morning to tell them something. Then there was the email I wrote in my head, then the rehearsed speech. I had a plan and it was going to get carried out at 5am. But, the alarm went off, I went back to sleep and as of yet, nothing has happened. Then again it’s only Tuesday night, 11.30pm.
I think I might sleep. I needed to type this to be posted later so I could sleep. I had this thought as I read pride and prejudice, which we have to read for school, and it turned into something I’d rather not face. Oh, I also cried while reading p & p when mr. darcy confesses his love to elizabeth bennet. Why? Because it’s so sad… here is this man, basically pouring out his heart to eliza and all she can do is turn around and say, “nope, I like this other guy who said you were mean to him… so kthnxbai”. poor mr. darcy. Reason I never want to say words that I mean: I’m scared of being burned for it, just like mr. darcy was.
That’s enough for now.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Gravy Boat

So, yesterday, I found out that I do not have a gravy boat. Well, not me, per se, but we as in my family. There is not a single gravy boat in my house. As I put hot water in my Maggi noodles, wishing I had Nissin instead, I realised that I would never be able to bring people over for dinner. Not dates or anything, as I’m terrified of people, but friends. My gay friend, Aussie, is supposed to come over after he gets back from his holidays all over the place. I was planning on making a nice big dinner or something, well… big for two, so we could gossip, talk about out holidays and giggle about boys. Now how am I supposed to have him over without a gravy boat? Is going to be a disaster. Or I could just cook lamb, beef or pork, which do not require gravy. But then the issue of getting either mint sauce, apple sauce or whatever goes with beef, is what I’m to face next. Aussie took Home Economics so he might be picky about accompanying sauces.
So I’m sitting in front of Sex In The City, with my noodles, wanting Nissin, and talking about my MSG addiction. I am addicted to it. I add soy sauce to my noodles, when sad I get chow mien from Joji’s, one of the best Chinese places in Suva, and when asked what I want to a quick takeout dinner, Chinese food always comes to mind. I always think about buying some myself when walking around the supermarket looking for soy sauce. I turn my head and think, “how exactly do I use this stuff?” I’ve never used MSG before, and I don’t think I want to use it without being very sure.
As you, reader, may have noticed, I like cooking. I make dinner a lot, I like to. It’s fun and relaxing. When I lived with my dad, I hardly cooked anything because it’s what dad did. One of the things I knew how to cook was custard. One holiday period, I had custard nearly everyday for breakfast. I knew custard, and how to make Maggi noodles slightly stir fried with tomato sauce. Crispy noodles covered in sauce. It was really tasty if I do say so myself. When I moved in with my mother, she taught me the basics; meat takes longer than vegetables, sauces are important, what tastes go with what meats, etc. So I learnt and now I’m here, at the point where cooking is something I like doing. I even made new year’s breakfast for some friends who stayed over the night. It was only French toast, but I felt happy after it. So there.
That’s it for now. I'm just posting a picture of magical green juice that is very nice. That is all. Now. That's it.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Today, i made my feet sore

by walking all around town. i spent a lot of the day with my grandmother in town. oh, and my mam, but we live together... so, yeah. mam and i went to get her glasses fixed, then we went to value city where i got me a new waistcoat, some pants and a dress. then we picked up my grandmother. we went to the pharmacy, then went on an epic journey to find fabric. we got some and got some nice cottony stuff. then we got lunch, walked around a little more, i scored myself a paul frank wallet, and we went to the supermarket, which seemed to take hours. so am home now and very happy.
so a friend got back into the country yesterday and have to admit was a bit happy to get a text for once. i was watching season 2 of Friends, which is very funny, and i was in a very good mood, which doesnt happen as often as i would like. i might be a bit neurotic. ah well.
so... shopping is fun, but my feet hurt. and am very tired. also a bit sad cuz wouldve been my parent's anniversary but they got divorced and my dad died. ah well. am still kinda happy anyway.
will now eat some food.
kthnxbai!
http://api.ning.com/files/A97bMZP1wNQVTqcEXQknzqvZI4BjC9UkFVcb*hXqHEgIJbK4Al56-FDoSBsK4cuL4*NnjZC-VBr3UgOHpwv9J-BrZaX7RlAS/205489_f5201.jpg
is very funny.
and i liek it.