Tuesday, July 17, 2012

i am an eejit

sometimes i get caught up in the big picture.

the wonder and wish for a family because i feel that having a babeh or something, a real family of my own, is the best thing one can do with ones life.

i spend a lot of time wishing i had the certainty of person. but that is all time wasted.

life is everywhere and building a legacy is also something i want to do. not on a large scale, but i want to do something im proud of.

storybooks i make, im proud of. the friends i have made, i often find myself facepalming as i sit conservatively to the side, being my usual lazy self, but i am also proud to know them.

i am caught up in the habit of having someone i feel like i connect with. i stupidly find myself unable to associate my person with the idea of an ex.

maybe because i didnt really feel like anyones anything. i still dont. im mine. i am not defined by who i attach myself to. i am defined by myself. what i do. right?

i am more often defined as my mother's daughter, but i am glad that even she allows for the recognition of myself as an individual, branching out from what she has given me, yes, but an individual.

i rearranged my bedroom furniture today. its a habit i have. when im bothered i fold clothes, sit and stare, cry now and again, clean, rearrange things. i never draw to clear my head. the pictures are all fuzzy and end up as crumpled pieces of paper in a bin.

there is no other moral to the story than this-dwelling is unhealthy.

i am the hypocritical confidante and i am one who knows the issue so well, yet does nothing. i endeavour to change that.

baby steps.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

LFM Motivation

Where oh where has my passion gone?

Im glad Im working my own stuff like ASC and Me (I just put out a bit of and queued the rest of Chapter 7)

I dont miss doing Little Feet, but I do wish I did more of it. The last thing I did with it was in May. That was... a while back.

Anyway I recall being a motivator or ami of mine. Although it was more like supervisor who'd say "ARE YOU DONE YET?" every 2 minutes to get them to finish their stuff.

So maybe I require supervision for comicking.

Herm. #needmorejuice

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A flock of pigeons.

pigeons INDEED.

you want some context? let me oblige you.

Ive had a major development in the IT area after I left high school. I got my nerdy-outlet cutoff and i needed more kinda of rules as an "arts" major. I adopted lifehacker as a go-to and wondered how hard it would be to learn code and try to make a minecraft mod. but life gets in the way and im drawn away from rules of all of that and put in an exam room where i have to write an open ended essay and provide "personal response".

I dont like being personal all too often. Sure, I have a blog where i rant and rave and whatnot but i dont delve, per se. sometimes i dont want to substantiate a personal opinion, although i will if required.

when it comes to relating to people, i worry about being too honest because i dont want to lie, but i dont know whats appropriate. a newer friend of mine told me i was an attention seeker. this was after i made a conversation out of a comment of a classmate. apparently thats not what people do. nor was i supposed to say thank you to the bag guy twice not to mention i was "too loud".

rules i lived under apparently dont apply to the real world.

i like talking to people i can talk to. and finding those people is... in a word? difficult. i am loud. it might be because i spend a lot of time at home and get excited when i do talk. or my earbud wearing (the music headphoney things) has finally started to make me deaf. and i admit that i worry that what i say wont be heard, and no point saying something to someone that they cant hear.

i have been raised with my Ps and Qs well in check. You say thankyou. You tell the cabdriver to have a good day. And i do attempt eye contact where appropriate.

So. Wheres the connection to the pigeons? Have some personal response.

I dont understand people too often. When i was younger and spent a lot of time at the busstand in the afternoons, waiting for and in the namadi heights bus. that was the time the pigeons would flock as would the people. i would switch between the two to watch them. i understood neither how the groups of people formed nor why the pigeons made the shapes they did. they just did.

im getting to the point where i guess i have people i kind of get, some more than others. we dont always have the same rules of living, so i guess people will never to organised enough to do that bird synchronised thingy. wait, dancers sortve do that... and flashmobs... and people who do action choruses...

anyway i broke my analogy about human diversity. overall message? lets be ourselves... and can someone explain people to me someday? also- i applaud people who can dance. i cant. personal responses end here.

stay frosty :)