I've started it!

One of teh major things I wanted to do this year was get most of my gorram ideas out of my head and somewhere where others coudl see it.

That's why ASC and Me will be updating every Sunday and Wednesday along with Little Feet!

Because there's nothing more fun than being productive :D

and so on :)

dont be sad, be busy

sometimes i write whole blog posts that i leave without publishing, come back to it and go "holyshit son, thats fucken emo in the pants" and so on.

thats the thing about occasionally having amazing ups, you get the tremendous lows where your hands dont work quite right, you dont want to go outside, and all you want to do is lie there or sleep. heartbreak or nostalgia, worry and loneliness. various problems that cant be easily outweighed by looking around at all you have and how well off you are compared to those who have nothing or few.

it takes time to get out of it, a friend maybe but that often isnt the case when you dont want to go anywhere...

and apart from all that, we delve into other things. so i try. i made some homemade icecream, started to brew some ginger beer, taught myself horchata, fed some puppies, cleaned something, looked stuff up and teh list of things to do lengthens because inbetween all the plans because you have time to play some videogames or to lie down and feel all the bad things all over again.

videogames are addictive because, hell, youre often all powerful, you defeat things and you can be someone else, often teh hero. thats why i play rpgs i guess. and screw mmos, imma be the ONLY hero.

so to anyone who might feel down, alone, sad and everything inbetween, just take the time to feel it and fidn the way to fix yourself. occupy your time so its that you dont have the time to pine and wonder and toss and turn and ask whywhywhy.

maybe itll work. i dont wuite know what works for me, but i wont get over anything unless i try right?

i aim to be the exception, exceptionally.

beware the venting and general downness

I ask myself what do i want to do in my lifetime a lot.

maybe too much. and this often is accompanied by "and who with?"

Now at the more or less end of something that had made me so damn happy i wonder where i go to from here. its not fairytale ending, and i guess ive never wanted one of those. im a pessimist masquerading as a realist and i  used to be content with the idea that id eventually get married to someone bland, have a kid or two, end up divorced and career oriented and maybe only see my kids on weekends.

is that still what i expect? of course not. i resolve to be exceptional. i guess one day i want to wake up next to someone who i'd be in awe of but still manage to get through all the banal, everyday things and not letting it all get to me. who with? god knows. when? same answer here too. but ive decided to settle for nothing less than happiness, with someone who'd consider me an exception to all the bullshit in the world and vieversa. that then transcending all the obstacles and people just getting on in a content manner.

in short? i plan not to bother with this or that and not necessarily wait for something perfect but not completely ignoring the possibility, which was my initial plan i guess. why tell the world? because maybe people need to feel the same. why be in something that makes you unhappy? why drag something around like a dead thing because that smell doesnt go away all too soon.

i was talking to a friend and she asked me "why are guys so complicated?". she and i are similar in teh sense that we know what we want and we say it without hesitation in appropriate circumstances. we are happy with simple things and feel that articulation is important unless your aim is to be disappointed with all the output that you get.

so people are complicated i guess. its just a matter of understanding them and knowing how they are. the complication is often not in the aspects of the personality but the revelation and learning of such aspects.

that is to say sometimes people are only themselves on their own or among few people, so how are we to understand them if we arent there to educate our general understanding? and so on and so forth.

so basically i might be getting closer to getting rid of my general artists block. its very painful when you want your hands to do things but they fail everytime. it used to be an outlet, a refuse by now its just... inaccessible.

on a lighter note, it seems that a lot of pictures of me when i was young were topless. i dont understand that. maybe thats why so many people thought i was a boy. it mightve also been my short hair. and handmedown clothes from my brother. and me being generally dirty.

And then I got a little sleepy.

Im back home and the new year has begun with morning powerwalks and other sort of pushupthings and going non meat, and im wide awake 14 hours after getting out of bed. My ass hurts from the walk and now im back in my room after a lot of spring cleaning instead of doing an evening walk in teh humidity and occasional rain.

all the clothes ive chosen to start my year with fit in my drawers and on the racks and i feel pretty good. its very odd indeed. especially after starting it all off being technically single. Love is love is love and it hasnt really gone anywhere, its just teh technical attachment and all. i did cry and weep and make sad faces in the corner. i got really angry at myself and all the usual "HOLYSHITSONHOWAMIGOINGTOADJUST" sortve breakdowns and now im just... level. i might dip now and again thanks to my beautiful semi manic-ness and what my ma likes to call my "gemini nature".

but wholemeal and i talk about stuff, so that hurt my head a while ago and i guess this is the year of learning to do the best i can and when im not doing that imma just chill the fuck out. with some dhal or icedtea or something.