I did three after the intro... so am posting. because.

And then it starts

I drew and painted my hurt. why? so that it would go away. I'm sure how effective it'll be, but expect daily posts of artwork, if you could call it that. :) and... still facedesking.

So let's be positive!

Yes yes. I'm going to try wax optimistic. Maybe that's because I've just realized what an awesome movie Superbad is. Is totally a dude movie, but i appreciate. It's an uber buddy-movie type thing. Yeah. So I was feeling kind of down most of today, thanks to the uhm... what am I calling him? The Shiny Goldfish, who was actually renamed Senor Fuzzyboots, by me because I'm awesome like that, and well, I figure it was one of those days today. Maybe because i have a friend who has many dudes trailing behind her, and sometimes I hope she realizes it, because she's awesome, and totally deserves the best guy ever. So, i guess I'm lucky I don't have her problem with the whole trail thing, which is a bonus, but I'm glad to have her as a friend. I also had a running series of emails from my mother that also brightened my day. yes. That's all I have to say about that. I might die of positive overdose if I'm not careful. See you round, internets.

The one problem

i have few problems with speaking. sometimes i talk too much, sometimes i dont feel like talking at all, and sometimes i'll have the best plan for what i want to say about something, it'll be perfection, and i know somehow that it'll work out once i say it, but... i usually back out. why, you ask? well, because i'm a poofta. that pretty much means that i'm scared all the time. i know that what i'm saying will be okay and all, but what if? what if, what if and what if? /sigh.

To celebrate the end of the (school) week

So, got to hang out with friends last night. we had this whole plan, that involved going back to my place to chill. we started out as an initial 2, picked up a 3rd and found the 4th when we went to town to turn money into other stuff. it was fun, and probably seemed hilarious at the time, seeing as my mind was blurry. i was a teeny bit sad because i'm hitting my head against a wall because of a certain... shiny goldfish, shall we say, that i wished would be my shiny goldfish, but like i said, i'm hitting my head against a wall with it.
i have awesome taxi flagging skills, as when sending 2 of 3 people home this early early morning, i stuck my hand out and taxis stopped. i am awesome. my friend, el, stayed the night though, since she lives very much far away and stuff. also, sleepovers are fun cuz you get to giggle tipsily (on my part really... host cant have too much fun) and talk about the randomest things.
i also found out yesterday something that almost ruined my night. that being that "the sads" runs through both sides of my family. joy. so yes. lamecakes to the max. i'm enjoying work again. i love using the radio voice. makes me giggle on the inside. maybe i'll treat myself to some MSG laden goodness for my late lunch today... very late seeing as will prolly also be delayed brekkie at 3pm.
Text messages in caps are very scary. i got one this morning... seeing as i drunk dialed mr goldfish dude and stuff. he seemed kinda aggro going all "WTF?? YTF ARE YOU AWAKE AT 3AM??" or something. i shrug. i like him.. and well. like mentioned earlier... face>wall.
That's all really. I have many other stories, but i dont think they should be shared, seeing as they arent mine. i wuv my friends and appreciate their sharing, therefore is a no-no. /sigh... silly goldfish.

it another of those days..

so yes. i feel like my heart had been ripped out of chest.. well, not really. i just have really low energy level at the moment and i havent had enough sleep. i've been up since 4am because some arsehole took my grandmothers bag out the bedroom window.. /sigh.. and then i had to go to school at 6am. :(
so yes.. also confused as heck RE some people. idk... i think people are silly in general.
i might nap now.
im tired..

I'll try not to make a sad..

despite the fact that i was a bit teary today. my ma has lots of work and ye... i'll miss her. and just to add that im a poofta and i cry a lot anyway. so i'm trying to do homework. it's not going so well. i don't like it when the only thing that makes sense to me doesnt and when the easiest subject isnt so easy as i lost interest a bit. i mean, art was fun when it was drawing and stuff and writing about it in a book but now is difficult. so much work.. and yea.

my brother was reading my blog and all the emo posts and was like "you should go on a date" because apparently it'll make me feel better. i dont think so. i think might make me poorer, rather than happier. /shrug. im pessimist so yeah. and... thats all folks. im okay. im sure i'll be okay.

im just tired.

Naive

Well, i was listening to the Kooks and feeling sorry for myself. I was all emo because i felt that no one liked me, and so on, cuz i'm emo sometimes.
Then i had drafted a whoooole post blabbing on about my hypocrisy and my lameness and how i use meanness to cover up my insecurities.
But i got rid of that.
Cuz i cbf giving my emoness to the internet.
It's mine.

Fiji English

Its funny trying to work out what people are saying sometimes. It may be said that English is a silly language, as it gets all its words from somewhere else, but here its very silly. Key phrase used when trying to look at a cute guy is "side mada that fullah over there". First of all, to "side" someone is to look at them from the corner of your eye sort of thing. "mada" is fijian, im sure sure exactly what it means, cept from the fact that it adds to the wonderfulness. "fullah" is basically "fellow" meaning guy, and over there... y'all get the picture. So the basic equivalent is "look at that guy". is funny. We add fijian, or hindi, depending on where you are and who you interact with. I say we despite the fact that i never grew up speaking like that. I grew up in a household where proper english stood, my dad was from England. I learnt about words by deduction. In class2, when i got my first list of vocabulary to learn, i asked my dad where the dictionary was and he wouldnt give it to me. he made me sit down and try to figure out what part of speech the word was and what the definition would be. Only if i was really stuck would he let me use a dictionary. We'd start with using the word in a sentence, then i'd have to explain it. It was fun. In english yesterday, some one asked what "bung" meant. for some reason i knew. i couldnt remember where i'd heard it from originally but it might have been with my dad. "bung" means broken basically. for example, youve got a bung leg or a bung eye or your computers gone bung. or something. idk.

i'd also like to add that i like google docs. since microsoft works is an oxymoron, and doesnt work, and since all i have is a bung pc (it has virus of some kind that is lame. it is also very old) and my netbook, ive turned to google docs to do IT homework. I had to do some lame excel stuff, but now is nearly done and im very proud of myself TYVM. :)

Now i think i'll stop with the blogs since am supposed to be working, but am supervising instead :D cuz im awesomely senior at work and stuff like that.

im not in a good mood

no surprise there really. i mean, i have a lot of dark days, but today just... idk. i gave up physical violence for lent, and well... its okay. except i keep forgetting and really want to hit annoying people when they are annoying. but, i swear, i will break lent if people keep pushing me. im sure jesus will forgive me. or sometthing. i dont know.
my mam is getting to me. i love her, but i might give up my feminist quest and just get married, cook, clean and make tea for some else who wont get up to turn on a fan or get a glass of water. okay... that sounds really bitchy. for the record, my mam is really tired, and i know that..but... /sigh. school is also stupid.

No amount of...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine....

It's the weepies. it was my jam... so to speak really, when i was in relationship. it makes me sad a bit now, especially since when thinking back to it, i feel like a total douche about it all. So yes... it's that mood. i'm all a bit sad. i miss sleep, i going to be in an ad (yay!) and should be getting new uniforms soon (more yay!).
See all the positive things going on? and i'm not doing too bad at school either... well, relatively. im actually not doing awesome, but i need more sleep. it's fucking with my mind basically. i should really get some pills when the ad money comes in. Pills and my new uniform. joy. pills to help sleep... that is. hehe. im okay. almost.
So... school is being lame, as per usual. too long imo. had period 10 today. sure, my teacher spent the whole time laughing at gay indian boy (truth is, i think he might be joking about the whole gay acting thing.. but then again. he stands way to close to guys sometimes :P ), and i was trying to read my google reader and he was laughing at everything so i couldnt.. and stuff. also, i dont think my art teacher likes me. maybe because when i work i say nothing, so when i do speak (which is when i dont feel like working, but i multitask..) she gets all aggro.
and yes... best class of the day is usually maths. because its teh only one that makes sense to me. most of the time anyway... but differentiating functions that use "e" and "ln" drive me crazy. i swear i facedesked at least a billion times.
Also, droid is making me angry. i might have to sit her down, tell her to calm the fuck down and that being frigid doesnt mean you threaten to beat the shit out of people who wind her up on purpose. /sigh. she probably wont listen to me. silly mondri person. wel.. i know she's only 2 years younger than i am, but i had to explain the word climax to her the other day. was somewhat strange. is like... "uhm... you know, when a man and a woman have that special hug... the point you wanna reach is the climax! hahahaha...ha." and she kinda just looks at me all grossed out. she asked, not my fault.
i end with just a few words from the genius of those LSD charged awesome peoples.

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide

So i drew sommat

just for valentines. yes yes. issues please. that i have them ><

the hundred and twentieth post?

happeh, or not so much, valentines. so... i couldnt sleep very well. thats all i have to say. im tired. my feet still hurt.
i went to church thus morning. again my standing with my faith was affirmed when the woman, who my late father apparently called Bigfoot, who went off on a very traditional, so to speak, sermon. i think the reason jesus was "sent down" was to correct the morons who wrote the old testament. maybe god wanted people to know that the celestial being wasnt so bad. silly fire and brimstone. she talked about living life by teh scripture, not associating with non-christians and it all very much pissed me off. okay, so thats one way to look at it, but thats too much religion for one service for me. wheres teh faith in between all this scripture and worship? its not about following word by man, but using the ideas from well... the son of man. and lest we forget the good samaritan. its not about who we help, but how we help. arent we all neighbours? stupid bigfoot.
and ive been eating too many wine gums.
also, the princess and the frog is an awesome movie. i loves it. i think i go teary because it was so damn sweet. stupid sweetness. also, i might cry too much. oh well. :)

i might need pills

to help me sleep at least. my head is buzzing. im angry, at the world, at people, at the stupid neighbors who are very very loud.... and i cannot sleep like this. i cant sleep with lights on, when there's noise, when im thinking... im going off my head.

alright. i'll admit it. it started with me thinking about religion. i told someone about how i approach faith. my faith is somewhat selective in the fact that i treat the bible as something that shouldnt be taken literally. and so i want to know how this person stands. i have my reasons for being the way i am, that is im strange, crazy, obsessive and somewhat emotionally unstable and unavailable (well... i failed at one relationship and got burned when i tried to approach a new one... so sue me. yes im bitter and i hate that particular emotion). therefore, i base my faith on something that caters for my mind, and that makes me feel not so bad about the whole my dad dying thing.

yes. i cant face death. its my biggest fear aside from public bathrooms and hospital beds. public bathroom are disgusting, imo. im paranoid, okay? and i hate hospitals. the memory that i try to forget all the time was that of when i saw my fathers empty shell of a body lying on a hospital bed. so there. im off my head. sometimes it just has to be said.

yes yes... the bitter angry person that i am admits the failure that is my mind. i also need a new excuse to use as a euphemism for my stupidity. the one brain cell thing is old apparently.

/sigh.

Roses are red...

Moods are blue. i blame sad hindi movies. My Name is Khan made me cry.. a lot. and was all... "love love love" and "sad racial tension-y stuff".
Also. valentines is tomorrow. i am sad a bit. i has no valentine-y person. although... i bought my little cousin a valentines gift. so... my valentine this year is 4 and a girl. yay me? now im broke. but thats okay. i have no life or valentine (proper one) to spend money on.
so... the valentines social was at school last night. my feet hurt, i was called adorable (seemed like insult to me, adorable was definitely shot at my height) and i HATE little children with a passion. a burning passion. that burning would be to set children on fire. or something.
So lectured this morning. i was tired, therefore deemed useless. boost for the morale ya? NO. i was sad. and that was on top of valentines depression. everyone in my house is depressed. my mam, brother and i have no valentines. emo? possibly.
so... nothing much else i suppose. cept im tired. and my feet hurt. and my eyes are sore. i hate sad movies.

am ill. but... yeah.

My brother had a friend who called it "surfing the crimson wave". i'm sure y'all will catch the gist. i hate it. for some reason, i get uber tired, nauseous, dizziness and bad cramps. is horrible. so... is the valentines social tomorrow. i have to stay at school until 10pm. from 7.40am. isnt it going to be wonderful? yes. im sure it will be. i have an awesome hat to get me through the day. is my gangsta hat. it isnt... well... more "gangster" really. like... the 40's, mafia type thing. was the mafia in the 40s? maybe more in the 60s. who knows?
well... ive had a lame week. i think it's because my week started with extra responsibilities. i was told that i was going to be responsible for a panel discussion about international womens day and beijing +15. and uhm... im the youngest at work. oh well. go me?
so... i think im going insane slowly. i dont blame people, or any one person, but i think i blame society. society tells us that there have to be arseholes now and again. i guess so at least. i might be masochistic... but not the usual masochist, i just feel that if things are normal and happy and right, i have to go picking holes in what is perfect. just so theres drama, or so that things feel... normal. for me anyway. yes. im horrible. i know.
so, being ill, i need sleep. and seeing as its after 10, and i have to up at about 5.30 or so. so... uhm, bed? yes.

saturdays are interesting.

so, it was linch and i asked my mam if i could hang out with an awesome friend of mine that afternoon and she suggested that i spend the night, so i did. i got dropped off at another friends house, and then the second friend and i drove to her house. we played Wii for most of the afternoon and now my arm hurts very much so. then we had a nice dinner, and spent the evening in my friends room, playing cards, tetris and listening to music. it was awesome. but there was a fourth friend who was an add-on really, and he had to go home, so the three of us got in the car, drove around the corner and up the road and we got a flat tyre. so there was panic, and we had to go back and get an adult. so we dropped off male friend and was awkward all the way back to friends house. we tried to watch the shining, but gave up and watched disney's tarzan instead. was awesome. i fell asleep and woke up at around 6am. i sat up and felt like i had limitless energy. then i fell asleep again. got up, showered later, and waited for the mam, who couldnt find the place, got really angry and so on. then there was a long talk stemming from stress. thats all i want to say, cuz i felt really sad at the end of it all. im avoiding the last bit of homework i have. i really dont want to do it. i have to write about robots, the medical kind. so whats wrong with having medical robots? they get rid of jobs, they screw up on you, they cost a lot right? and so on and so forth. im tired. maybe i'll do it in the morning. just maybe.

i had the best english class

this got many a comments on the FB, why? i'll never know :P

i got to draw. so, i'm glad it's the weekend, despite the fact i have a lot to do. a lot a lot. there's work tomorrow, and i have homework in every bleddy subject. so, i had a long day, which made me want to punch people in the face, but i didnt. cuz im nice like that. and... i hate period 10. supposed to only have 8 periods a day, but since am proper senior and all, i have 9, and occasionally 10 when the world is against me. so i drew something on the flash a few minutes ago :) i like it. is nice. or so i think. or something like that. i'll put it up for no real reason. also, okay week, tiring mostly. lots of hommerk. so yes. boys are lame, and nothing much had happened with that lately. hehe. mebbe i will just facewall and see if any white knights come to the rescue. or mebbe they'd just hang around and watch, the bastids. yea. so i think that's all.

so... is me and my friends... i drews them :)