Liquid sunshine

It poured outside but Bernadette Rounds-Ganilau brightened the studio and turned the rain into liquid sunshine.

As she and I talked to prepare her and myself for the live interview, she shared that the issues of her generation were mine too.

This was the worry.

The equality and recognition of women in leadership, in areas of development, despite generations of campaigning seemed fruitless; women and their involvement were still a non-issue.

Why was this? Simply the clutter of development. The focus has always been on the band-aid solutions of road fixing and other infrastructural issues.

Women knew all the issues and found themselves put second. More than half the population is pushed aside and put with the sewing machines and occasional tokenism.

Perhaps it is the women themselves that need to affirm their need and right to be involved in development issues that do not seem to be “woman’s work”.

Maybe these past three generations are forgetting to talk to each other. I have been privileged to have my mother and grandmother teach me what the movement has done ans support my entry into it.

While I stand ready to train young women to join what I am part of, as I hope I am doing with my training of the young Maria through the Morning Waves breakfast show on femTALK 89FM, I hope to see the ripples echo our youth.

Development is not simply work for men or women, but for the society as a whole. We women just wish to be included; that is why we do what we do.

We thank those that had come before us, we remember them being with us.

While Bernadette had left the studio for a whole hour, Maria turned to me at the end of the shift and said, “You can still smell Mrs Ganilau's perfume!”

Her impression did not just permeate the studio, but I felt energised and looked at the pouring rain and for a second did not feel the dread of the soaked walk I was going to take, but looked forward to the sun rising on Suva's newly cleaned buildings and plants.

I looked forward to the freshness after the rain.

Puff puff cough

I have a bad habit and its name is smoking.

I haven't always been a smoker but it is my firm belief that I am not that bad when it comes to smoking.

Visit LF for more of these!

To be fair I only ever smoke when I'm relaxing. This was on the recommendation of my uncle, the Padre James.

Unfortunately with the massive influx of a heap of stress, I've taken to attempt to relax a lot. I have found that my smoking increases as stress does because the need or, to be true, the wish for relaxation increases.

I stress about a lot of things. I tend to worry. This does mean that I stress easily. I stress about work, about university assignments, classes and life in general.

Although after two blood pressure checks, Sunday and today (the latter being for a project I'm part of - info to follow later, I guess?) I don't actually have a medical problem because of it, so that's good. To be fair, I'm not the healthiest feeling person and I know there's a billion ways that I can improve but I guess the important thing is to GET CHECKED.

All that aside, I'm a lazy human being. I'm not uber healthy because of this. Now, my smoking of course tends to make me lazier. So, I suppose upon this realisation and knowing that I need to make a change at some point means I want to start now.

That said, I do plan on keeping my smoking where my drinking is: a social activity bystander. I will not smoke unless I feel like it anyway, but I guess I'll save it for a time that I know I'll enjoy it.

So with that, I guess I wanna throw some advice to the wind. I read somewhere that things like alcohol and cigarettes should never be something you think you need to have or consume, but rather should be something you enjoy. Your health is your business and so you need to figure out how you work and try to keep everything is check.

They say health is wealth and I've been pretty poor of pocket so I might as well try to pull myself up by my ears knowing only I can change myself.

attempting positivity

it's the end of the semester.

it's gone and now i just wait and see if i have failed a unit or two because i dont feel good about this one and all. in other news, im going through some stuff that includes a lot of facewalling.

i am also sick. i miss my ma and i want someone to look after me. i dont want to grow up and be 20 and learn about income tax and figuring out passport things and learn about budgeting to flat or worry about what grown up relationships are supposed to be about.

these are supposed to be my prime years but my friends are all out of town and im honestly a lot more comfy at home. so why the whining?

we all have that little "snarky" voice. i know because lifehacker sent me an email about it. and all of last year ive forced and double forced the positive extrovert to exhaustion. in short, i tried but failed at being happyhappy sunshine and rainbow poop.

so whats up with the facewalling? ive been friendzoned a lot lately. ok, two in a handful of months (ie 6) isnt a lot but considering i spend a lot of my time not talking to people, its a lot for me. and im not going to worry about it. or at least im going to tell myself that until i believe it.

wheres the problem with being friendzoned? well, its not so much as a problem but irritating. because i like mindless gibberjabber. i like talking and passing time with people, just.. one at a time. i like the idea of having someone that makes me ok. (See: I believe that relationships validate who you are because youre ok enough to be liked that way).

but im not validated. i have friends, a few great friends, i just dont get to see them because they have often parallel lives. and thats fine. i have a lot on my plate, its just i do it all at once rather than space things out in a smart way.

thats why i probably failed this semester. ive been sad. ive been feeling really alone. but most importantly ive been too gorram lazy and playing too many videogames to do the right amount of work to do well in my units.

and thus, i am attempting to attempt positivity. again.

Of bread-dudes and kinda-dead dudes.

when wholemeal and i were first going out, i learnt a whole bunch of things that were very very odd to me.

he had his funny little quirks like that fact that he would say "one pant" and instead of motorbike would say "cycle"... he also used to be able to fit into my clothes better than i did (however it might be fair to mention most of the stuff he borrowed to bring this fact to light were my shirts and guy-cut teeshirts.)

it was weird that he couldnt roll dough out when i asked him to help me make puri and the day i found out that he didnt like pork and didnt eat beef, my perception of all meat was changed forever.

i guess all the little daily things - cooking, picking what to wear every morning, buying pants... all these things reminded me of him. his arctic monkeys CD is still sitting in the box i put it in to hide it from myself, not to mention all the other music im addicted to are all his fault.

and theres the card i found looking back at all my little girly and emo journals with him. on the inside, on the right "a very happy birthday to our darling daughter. we hope that you enjoy your next ten years as much as your last. Daddy and lorna". and then a four "x"s. daddy's blocky handwriting with all his E's in caps.

i have that in front of me at my desk so everyday i get closer to my 20th birthday, if i dont know what im doing, i try to think of something at would make daddy proud. so when i put together all the things that have happened from when i was 11 to june this year, despite his passing and all the changes and dark moods - i'll have a decade i can look back at and go "fuck yeah".

wholemeal is a big part of that decade. was? is? ah well. but im pretty sure id made up at least half of losing a dad. he was someone to hug. i'd lost that along with daddy.

ARSEBUTTS.

People in my head. Like the nacho guy!

when i was younger i thought there were people in my head.

they had their own voices and stories and lives. it took me a few years to figure out that not everyone had these many people in their heads. you listen to one long enough, they become their own, and you let them out. thats where alex came from.

i spent a long time with this people in my head and i wandered about my garden at my dads house, in shorts, barefoot. id get muddy feet, a scratch, talk aloud when i knew no one was there. i mean, i still do, making new stories in my head, speeches, programmes i may never record. but its all there and needs to come out.

as i got older, some of them became me. coexisting, always there at the same time, sometimes switching at the drop of a single word. my funny, social self - the quiet, shy self - my angry, sweary self- the moods swings, my "gemini nature" according to my ma.

i make myself sad, happy, i entertain myself when theres no one else at home, adopt a heroic persona when im RPing a videogame (never evil or too firm).

why not? arent we different from animals because we can? our minds are our playgrounds. sure i havent invented anything, but thats where all my recipes come from thus my ginormous thighs.

after wholemeal and i split, one of me just ganged up on me all the time. especially when it was just me. im not good enough. i couldnt make him happy. im useless. im stupid. i suck. he should just find someone else.

but that wasnt it. we never really fought. we were happy. we were too far apart though. well, we are. and its, well, heartbreaking. this isnt a valentines special. and im more likely to want to burn everything frilly, red and cartoon heart shaped (because real looking hearts are super gross to look at really.) but i was always liek that. BURN THE SENTIMEN-LAME-ITY!

Because its fake. one day a year to have fancy dinner and say "i love you" with presents and roses? why roses? why thorny, ugly things? i like orchids. theyre prolly the only flower i can stand realy. cuz they look all funny.

wholemeal brought me one once. was sweet. but i did get a bit upset because he totally ditched his bros to come over and that was totes uncool. although i didnt really mind, just didnt want his friends to get pissy at me. but it was a pretty flower.

I want to be pocahontas. let john smith go. i have to be with my people. however i have to let wholemeal the amazing go so i can pass my uni stuff. well, the pining and the sad go.

anyway. watch Little Feet and Comics in a Jar for my amazing comicyness. LF updates three times a week while CiaJ updates everyday. Danke!

And then I got a little sleepy.

Im back home and the new year has begun with morning powerwalks and other sort of pushupthings and going non meat, and im wide awake 14 hours after getting out of bed. My ass hurts from the walk and now im back in my room after a lot of spring cleaning instead of doing an evening walk in teh humidity and occasional rain.

all the clothes ive chosen to start my year with fit in my drawers and on the racks and i feel pretty good. its very odd indeed. especially after starting it all off being technically single. Love is love is love and it hasnt really gone anywhere, its just teh technical attachment and all. i did cry and weep and make sad faces in the corner. i got really angry at myself and all the usual "HOLYSHITSONHOWAMIGOINGTOADJUST" sortve breakdowns and now im just... level. i might dip now and again thanks to my beautiful semi manic-ness and what my ma likes to call my "gemini nature".

but wholemeal and i talk about stuff, so that hurt my head a while ago and i guess this is the year of learning to do the best i can and when im not doing that imma just chill the fuck out. with some dhal or icedtea or something.

sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

300th Post!

So yes. To kind of celebrate christmas and relive the awesomeness that is Burton, I got the soundtrack for the nightmare for christmas as well as convinced wholemeal to bring it as he comes back of the holiday break :) I am very excited and happy. Its been around four or five months of him being over there. Its had its ups and downs and now i can finally hug him and smack him upside the head when he's silly, instead of just telling him that i would if i were there. lets see... what else is there to share?

nothing much really. youtube had decided that it refuses to work on my computer, Im half broke from shopping for xmas stuff and things, but i also scored a deposit on some pants which are purple AND have elephants on them! i got elephant earrings yesterday and a few weeks back i scored a bracelet with back beads and silver elephants. i am addicted to those awesome animals.

nothing much else, apart from cramps and hunger. im tired so im going to have a rest now. catchaontehflipside internets! :D

Thisll be all text.. apart from Ganesh.

So Im feeling... very tired. There are several factors affecting this. The first is the uber lame one : i got my period today. Im sorry, internet, but i dont really give a fuck who knows. I guess all i really want to do is stick my head in my toilet and wait out the nausea, sleep all the day and not move until the cramps go away. But instead, i have to get up, exercise off all the uber fatness (ok, its not too bad, but im nearing the 65 kg mark and i really need to lose some of it...i am kinda tiny in general) and deal with life.

Another thing making feel really crappy is the people at school. They didnt do anything wrong, but i just feel kinda.. different. dont want to spend $6 to get there and go back home again to discuss stuff i dont really give a shit about right now, and i can barely afford anything. Im sick of that place. I want to leave it. It's mostly rich kids who more or less dont give a damn about their families (a lot i know do, though) and most of them probably dont know how to look after goldfish on their own let alone themselves... again, i feel half bad about these generalisations but.. Im sick of petty, sick of superficial, sick of drama-llamas and sick to death of beautiful people who arent really sure about the real world, the world out of that box. Im sure theyll do great though, they have good board to dive off into, and theyll probably have all the support they need.. but... these past two years have killed the idea of the easy life. There's no such thing. You have to give up your soul, time, dreams to have something close to easy; to be financially stable.

Im also feeling a little pressured at work. Ive been out of the groove for a long long time, and thats because of school, but my spark is gone. i dont know what to do, I dont feel like i should know what im doing. i feel like im back at square 1, where i dont ask anything and i just do what im told. I dont know, i'll ride it out and see what happens in the next few days.

And... my family. I love them, but.. this thing with ma, my head hurts from learning what the doctors mean when they say things, what operations are what, what treatments do what and everything.. and.. well.. my dad scars are hurting again. When i found out about the cancer, i wanted to get angry. I wanted to scream at the universe and curse it for threatening to take the parent i have left away. I was also terrified of losing ma, because i dont want her not to be there for all the important parts of my life; any children, a marriage, a home of my own, a good job, graduation, etc etc.. because thats what i hurt most about when it comes to dad, next to my guilt of not being there for him. Also.. things were said about dads condition before he died, and i felt horrible and hurt because i was never told anything about it. All i know was that it was his heart. Thats it. Internet, have you evr seen your loved one, cold and gone, on a hospital bed? Youd look at them, and know for a fact that its not them. The life is gone. Its just a shell. Its the point at which everything starts to fall apart.

So im sorry about the downer post. I need to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere so i dont explode. Wholemeal is out, and i dont feel like killing the buzz. Oh well.. hehe.. im going to put a happy pic to kill the sads. Well.. its ganesh. Whos awesome. I have it as my wallpaper and i also have a tiny little statue thing of him. myes :)

p.s. sorry for any typos or missing words, im a little tired...

HOLYS**TSONIMDONE

So. Im done with high school! well proper anyway. I won IB, i have a prelimary place at USP, im happy. apart from some stuff thats going wrong in general. No, im still with wholemeal.. but.. well.. idk if this should be here but my mam has breast cancer. it sucks. its early stages yet, and hasnt spread anywhere else, but it still isnt somethign anyone wants to happen. ah well.. i love you ma <3>

Hobbies

I was sitting at Palm court today and was reading the paper when I came across this article about a pageant entree, and I felt that some of her hobbies were a little odd, and I wanted to complain about it. So I pulled out my computer, drained my coffee cup and wrote what you see below.

If there’s something I’ve noticed, its how people, in general, are starting to get boring. It seems that “surfing the net”, “meeting new people” and “travelling” are popular hobbies. First of all, being able to use the internet, and doing so often shouldn’t be considered a skill anymore. Well, not a highly respected skill. It should take the back seat with reading and being able to make two minute noodles. On the other hand, being able to make two minute noodles fancy, but adding things that would actually qualify it is a meal would be more like cooking than a backseat hobby. Secondly, I don’t understand the whole meeting new people concept. How exactly does that qualify as a hobby? Is there some kind of meeting new people roster that I’m not aware of? Is there a meet new people day? Does that mean that the person picks a day where they plan to go out of their way to meet new people? I don’t know but I guess that it’s now starting to sound like a real hobby. Lastly, let’s take a look at travelling. How does one go about that in a place as small as Fiji? Does going to the shop down the road count? I hope it does, because then I can add travelling to my own list of hobbies. Perhaps travelling is a code word for something else, like shopping or bar hopping or perhaps even taking the bus. Personally, I love bus rides. When taking a bus you never have to worry about the actually driving, or seat belts (in this country anyway as there's no such thing as safety in a bus), there's almost always a clear view of the scenery (most buses are sans windows) and it’s the cheapest form of transport. To pull back to the hobbies, I’ve got to ask, what is a hobby and what can you do in Fiji that qualifies? There's definitely swimming, with all the water around the country, you can’t throw a stone without the stone ending up in water. Then again the water might just be a giant puddle in the middle of the main road or the creek that runs through Suva, both of which are bodies of water that you would definitely not want to swim in. Fiji does however have the Blight Waters, the Pacific Ocean and many rivers and pretty beaches to frolic around at. Reading is a hobby that has definitely taken such a far seat back that it’s sitting in the boot of the car. No one wants to read anymore. Sure, it’s a gross generalisation, but if you ask five children off the street whether they’d like a nice book for their birthday or a shiny new DS, I'm sure they’d pick the latter. Heck, I’d pick the latter. But we’ve got to look at all the bonuses of books; they’re cheap, don’t need batteries and expand the imagination (if it’s a good book). The DS may be pretty and shiny, but needs new games when the player gets bored, relies on electricity and might give the child carpal tunnel syndrome, and that’s never fun. Sleeping should definitely be listed as a hobby. I love to sleep. I miss being able to sleep and not have to worry about the day ahead. Worrying might be my most common pastime, but if I had my way, it would be sleeping. Sleeping is fun. There is nothing like the theatre of the mind to keep me company when I’m curled up in bed, on the couch or even lying on my desk at school. It is not recommended, however, to sleep at school or on a couch in a furniture store because you’ll just end up looking silly or missing something vital in class. When it comes to listing hobbies, try not to lie (because if you’re boring, people deserve to know), always play around with funny and smart looking words (use big words to describe little things, like saying that you’re an autodidact instead of saying that you teach yourself things) and try to find an interesting hobby immediately before someone asks what you do (it’s always good to be prepared). Then again, that’s just what I think.

So... :D

This is what i said (the "im going to drink water") one art class
i walked outside and it rained so i stuck out my tongue.. :)

Im happy... I guess. Actually, no. I know. I dont really feel like saying much about it at the moment, but Im sure Ill inform in a bit :D

So, I was watching Memoirs of a Geisha and I realised that IB English has messed with my mind. I saw the movie in a different light, and I felt that I now longer liked Sayuri. Shes the main chick... So yea. hehe...

I have no idea whats happening with the whole U thing... U is a silly letter. And I couldnt think of anything... However... I have to do W tomorrow.. and thats already planned :D

I think theres a similar problem with V... is lame.. and yes. Im a bit too.. tired to figure out what to put there. So have a comic! Hehehe.... :D

Good evening ladies and gents

or should i say good morning? thanks to my irresponsibility, Im up late cramming for my exams that start tomorrow. I can be bothered to do something wind-down-esque in between the time of now and the time of when i finish this blog post. Ive just given up trying to do some crazy type of optimisation thing, and i have to honest here: I love algerbra, but i suck at applying it. Its easy to make a formula awesome and find that x value youve been looking for, but putting it in context.. My head explodes. I saw something online last night when i was clearing out my reader instead of doing actual work (i say last night, but i mean saturday night. it is now monday morning).

Its a gmail hoody and I would like one. why? because it says gmail on it. and that.. is hardcore. something else that is hardcore is the next image to be posted. I dont really understand it because i cannot understand history at all, but i dont care. Its awesome and pretty and i would like to show off the fact that ive seen it.

Now doesnt that look freaking awesome? I have no idea whats going on (i also am bad at world geography and i have no idea where the european countries are on their continent but its still visually awesome).

In other unrelated news, i think im going to make another list this week. I will remind myself that on thursday night, or perhaps even wednesday as my exams would be over by then, i will make another list. whether this will be an extension of what i do like, or a new one of things that i dont like, will be decided on the day and it will be up to my mood whether i dwell on the happy or the sad. Below is a happy type list that i found online. The thing is i found all these images and starred them on saturday. the list came with a caption type thing that went along the lines of: "my favourite quote is that 'the best things in life are not things'". Maybe thats what ill do; write a list of things that arent things that i consider to be awesome. I hope i wont repeat too many things. :)

So nighty-night internet. I do realise that i dont exactly have too much in the way of a readership, if thats a word... but those who do read this... i appreciate it :) sometimes it feels so much better just to put your thoughts out there. I know that when i talk, more often than not, no one other than myself is actually listening. I like to think that they dont listen because their opinions of what i say doesnt matter to me. Those who do listen, however, are the ones that matter. Maybe thats what friends are... people who will always take the time to just listen, or at least look like theyre listening. Venting is always good for the soul. :)

It seems I can cry over a burka.

You see, I may say that Im not a feminist, but I am very much a believer in equal rights. I saw this video and nearly cried at the end. Why? Well, basically a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants, and I feel very much against the burka. Then again, if you want to wear a burka, thats fine with me (its not as if I know what its like to wear one). I just feel in awe of any woman in a burka, especially here in Fiji, where its always really humid. I just feel sorry for the woman in case she's dying inside that black tent of a garment. I think I might have to state that this video may be NSFW. I watched because description was all like "controversial burka video" type thing. Yay for random feeds, not so much yay for being uber emtional over a tiny little thing.

this was added about an hour after the first post.

I have a problem.

no im not a trekkie(trekker?) but i am a fan of the pictures with silly words :)

I dont know what to do. Its my birthday in about two weeks and my mother has started suggesting things. This is a few hours after she had a freak out about money. I dont know what to say to her. I want to say, "ma, i dont want to do anything special-esque for my birthday, because i dont want you spending too much money for something as stupid as me and my friends drinking sangria and eating pizza." Its not as if i could say that. I want to just wake up, realise that im older, and go about my day. I think I have work that day, and the last thing i want to do is have a drama-filled evening that would just spoil my mood. You see, I dont know who'd Id invite to this thing because most of my friends dont interact very well. Salmon and Milkshake would be fine together, but adding a girl would be awkward, possibly, then adding some other people from school might cause a few loaded glances and maybe destroy all possibilities of conversation, and that's just lame. I dont want to deal with drama. The last thing I want to do at my birthday thing would be to cry by myself in a public bathroom in frustration. I do realise that im imagining worst case scenarios, and i cant help it, but i just want it to be a good day, after all. Also, the fact that Im only allowed to have a few people makes it all a little worse. If i dont invite certain people, who may ruin the celebration or just be there and act retarded, im going to get crap from them at school the next week and all. So, i guess its a priority thing, and just figuring out what i want to do. Im sure itll come to me eventually, and the brother and a few others might be consulted before i tell my mam, but all i want for my birthday is to be happy. And happiness if what you make of it i spose. :)

i was thinking a money picture.
honestly, im a socialist but thats mostly due to Karl Marx's epic beard.

last day of the break.

i havent finished the day, but already i went to sort out my school fees, and have done some homework already. sure, ive had two weeks to do all this stuff, but to hell with that. i havent been able to turn my brain on and now i have. Ive done work, yes, and i know what im doing most of the time.. but all i have to say now is that i wish we never had holidays. it fracks with my mind and makes me lazy. Also, facebook is evil. people are also lame (not milkshake, tho, just in case he's reading... one can never be too careful). im happy though, because i've seen kickass, and i think that ive had a pretty good holiday. despite everything that has one wrong. wrong being that thing that fell apart royally just before end of holidays, being stood up by a somewhat gay friend, not really dropping teh cancer sticks, the uber load of work, getting sick, missing ryssa, etc etc.

do you believe in a thing called love?

to start of the love post, lets have a love-potato!

I know someone who does. He claims not to have any faith in anything. but he has a little mind and doesnt realise that you dont need a religion to believe in something. the bad thing about websites like facebook is that you can talk to people about certain things that you'd never say out loud. for example, how this person, who will call... Milkshake, would go on about how much he was obsessed with this chick, and how much he liked her, and i would kinda tell him off for not doing anything properly about telling her. that isnt to say that he didnt try to tell her, because i think he did, but the universe was against him, in the way that he didnt get around to doing anything proper. yes. teh proper is on purpose. and the other day he was asking what kind of music would turn a chick on. im sorry, milkshake, but music doesnt do that for me. I did try to recommend stuff, like you belong to me by jason wade, which i thought was always a little creepy but sweet in general. i think that i will follow you into teh dark is also a sweet-ish song, as well as gotta have you by the weepies. in general, i hope Milkshake one day finds the girl that'll stick by him. sure, he's usually an annoying little thing, but who doesnt deserve a lil happy loving time? hehe, i mean, even with his crazy hair (which isnt as bad as mine, even on my good hair days) and body like a bean pole, he's got humour and love on his side. you go girl! i mean.. guy! :D

i thought milkshake would appreciate the lols of raptor jesus

i has a teeny bit of the sads.

therefore, i have no damn energy to do a comic. also... i had a really bad day. i couldnt find my atm card this morning, i felt sick all day, i had to deal with the retards of my school, then lunch made everything so much worse.
im a bit unstable at the moment because im really missing my mam, and when a friend of mine was upset, i went to see if she was ok, then i found her with her dad and i felt so sad. i really miss my dad. so feeling sad after that, i got asked where my friend was and i said with her dad, and one retard was like "wtf m8??" and i stupidly said what i was feeling. well, that is "at least she has one" and the retard wasnt aware of certain things pertaining to myself.. so... i cried at school. yes. im weak. i hate it when i feel like this. i just cant stop crying now.
ah well. im sure ill feel better soon. maybe. so ill just feel sad while listening to sad music and feel better later. when i forget again.

deep things are deep.

I had one of those long conversations with my uncle this evening. it was difficult to talk. i have 2 comics because i missed updating last night... because i saw Alice In Wonderland. One comic is about that. i swear i almost jizzed mah pants. Tim burton is awesome, my god is my god, but tim burton is a close third to chocolate on the awesome list.