My friend, manic-ness!

I recently scrapped about four posts I attempted to write because they delved into the depressing and highly personal.

To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure what I made this blog for. Sharing? Yes… But there’s only so much I can share, to be honest.

One thing I can be honest about it being scared to tell my family… in an out loud way that I’m scared of my manic depression (Steven Fry told me, via QI, that “manic” is better to say than “bipolar”).

I’m glad it’s not a terribly bad kind, and I’ve been keeping note of what triggers it and trying my hardest to come up with ways to bounce back whenever the lows hit. 

Some words of advice to those who have friends with this problem: saying "I've totally been there" does not help. Nor does "tough love". Yes, certain friends of mine. While I appreciate your attempts to help, you aren't very good at helping.

Positive people, distractions, a simple hug that doesn't say "I'm sorry" but "I'm here" helps. Don't be sad for me, I'm sad enough for myself and the four people I walked past on my out off campus when I started crying.

Context used to help but now it feel hollow. I used to say "it could be so much worse". But to respond, my lowness says "it's worse than it was. You used to be so happy". 

Now I think I should just tell myself that I'm here. I'm here to make my Ma happy, to do something that woulda made my Dad proud and something that I enjoy. 

I know I don't have the same kinda support I used to have from Wholemeal, but he's around when he can be. And I now have my useless butt friend Porcupine from time to time to help out and that keeps me occupied. 

That's the main thing. Keep busy. When Im just busy enough, I feel good doing stuff. So to anyone who knows what a low feels like, who hangs out with their manic self from time to time or someone who knows someone like me, keep in mind that what I know and what other people need are not the same thing. 

To each their own :) Stay frosty!

Of bread-dudes and kinda-dead dudes.

when wholemeal and i were first going out, i learnt a whole bunch of things that were very very odd to me.

he had his funny little quirks like that fact that he would say "one pant" and instead of motorbike would say "cycle"... he also used to be able to fit into my clothes better than i did (however it might be fair to mention most of the stuff he borrowed to bring this fact to light were my shirts and guy-cut teeshirts.)

it was weird that he couldnt roll dough out when i asked him to help me make puri and the day i found out that he didnt like pork and didnt eat beef, my perception of all meat was changed forever.

i guess all the little daily things - cooking, picking what to wear every morning, buying pants... all these things reminded me of him. his arctic monkeys CD is still sitting in the box i put it in to hide it from myself, not to mention all the other music im addicted to are all his fault.

and theres the card i found looking back at all my little girly and emo journals with him. on the inside, on the right "a very happy birthday to our darling daughter. we hope that you enjoy your next ten years as much as your last. Daddy and lorna". and then a four "x"s. daddy's blocky handwriting with all his E's in caps.

i have that in front of me at my desk so everyday i get closer to my 20th birthday, if i dont know what im doing, i try to think of something at would make daddy proud. so when i put together all the things that have happened from when i was 11 to june this year, despite his passing and all the changes and dark moods - i'll have a decade i can look back at and go "fuck yeah".

wholemeal is a big part of that decade. was? is? ah well. but im pretty sure id made up at least half of losing a dad. he was someone to hug. i'd lost that along with daddy.

ARSEBUTTS.

not so happy xmas? no thanks, brain.

its coming up to christmas and i need to kinda get out of this mood. christmas to me is decorating the tree the night before, putting all the presents under there and watching children tear at their presents with excitement while babehs roll around in the paper and everything else.

wholemeal has been uber busy of late, with the last bit of exams and life just keeps happening. its scary. i dont want it to, in case i miss something while i watching everything happen.. and i just dont know where everything is going and fingers crossed next year will be better than this one.

hope for better days, and i know the new year will be a disappointment in every way shaoe and form because welcoming 2011 was amazing. it was lame, at mcdonalds, and neither wholemeal nor i knew when it was precisely midnight, but atsome point in between the fries and my cheap coffee, we kissed happy new year and im sure we made alex turner proud :P

this year will be family, so not bad just different, and im going to be two decades old. i know where i quite fit just yet, so im not going to worry about trying to put myself in somewhere that doesnt feel quite right. better alone than in the wrong place.

but now its still 2011, its still december, and theres time to figure everything out. at least try to.

sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.

so.

yes, it's time for your regularly scheduled procrastination.

It's me. Obviously. Anyway, don't feel like creatively writing at the moment. I will in a while. Just a few life-updates.

Haven't put a number to it, but feeling highly blegh. As in, "damn-girl-you-re-getting-a-little-round-in-them-places". As in weight gain. Im totally feeling it. And Ive just dropped a paperclip in my cup of cold home-made cappuccino. That was odd.

Also, have been listening to "Fire Coming Out Of A Monkey's Head". I got the album, all CD and the like, a few years ago. It makes doing dishes awesome. I highly recommend.

Anyway, I better go do something else now. Ciao :)

so i'm trying

but its really hard to work. you want to know what i did today? i watched that 70s show and replace my atm card. the guy at the bank tried to make me do that sms banking thing. it was liek "uhh.. im sorry i have to go". and by go i meant away. i went and had an iced coffee and i thunked. i thinked and thunked and stuff fell out. i came up with more ideas for books. the main one was about my dad. so i do i plan on dealing with it all by writing, then drawing, about it. think along the lines of persepolis, just not as good. i suppose. so. long night ahead. im going to get wholemeal to force me to work. i can work, but.. i just... i just sit down and my mind wanders and i get sad. he stops me from being sad.

cheerio (and hopefully more cheer later) .

nearly how long?

Thats so awesome. I want that mug. just because. Ok, so i havent been blogging for a long while. Ive had uni (is getting gosh darn hectik - i got 8/aprox250 votes...) but yes. damn you ethnocentric politics! damn yewww... anyway.. its a week to my dads 4 years and someone close to me has lost someone. It makes me think... well.. it makes me feel... a little useless. How am i to help? because i want to. Ive lost my grandfather and my dad and the thing is.. they were both very different experiences. I was 12 or so when i lost my grandpa. I was in class 7, and i got pulled out of school. i remember being told by a classmate that i shouldnt be allowed to wear a black ribbon because "he was my grandfather, he wasnt close to me". the old man would let me help him with his insulin shots. i was, for a short while after, obsessed with the idea of becoming a doctor or scientist. i wanted to cure diabetes. when i lost my dad i was so.. lifeless. my dad was the guy i grew up with, looked up to. i inherited the animal love, the love of cooking, the eyebrows, forehead and fascination with storybooks. dad was always there.. until i moved out of his place and in with my mum. it was getting hard for me to stay there. (however that couldve been some odd childish thought). 11 months after leaving his place, i got the phone call. my ma was in aus, and i had just managed to figure out chicken drumsticks. i was told that my dad was in the hospital that was 15 minutes away by foot, or less. i was told to wait for the car. my dad was gone well before i had been told. the memory hasnt faded.. but ive grown a bit to know that its not something to wail about. sure, there are tears when its brought up.. but.. im sure ive mentioned the boy with the bread who has given me the strength to say hi to my dad without tears. so... as a last couple of words... life ends before we expect it to. doesnt mean that its early. its on time, its just that we dont want it to. we're mortal creatures. let's not waste time on negative thoughs, actions or in a manner of dwelling that only hurts ourselves. live life, love and sleep.

long text post. i guess.

What do I really want to do with my life? Elections at uni are coming up and im running… again (again as in, I got disqualified, but they deferred elections so now I can re-run). I don’t understand uni. I hate going because I don’t fell… like I belong there. I spend my free time drawing, or playing around online, but today it was mostly drawing. I'm making a book, which has 7 short stories at the moment. They're all picture stories – you know, like for little kids – but for who ever, no ageism needed. It’s the only thing I enjoy. I have assignments due and stuff… but I cant get into them. This happened last week, after I got kicked out of my lecture. I couldn’t make myself care, I just couldn’t. I know I’ll start working seriously tomorrow. I have to.

In other news, dads birthday and “anniversary” is coming up. It’s not going to be a weepy thing this year, I swear to myself. I think I’ll get wholemeal to take me to the cemetery when he gets back (sure, thatll be may-ish.. but it’s something.)… that’s one of the things I love about him. He helps me with things I’d rather not say anything about, because most people would just say something that would make me cry. All he has to do is stand next to me, and I’m too happy to cry. Even when it came to exams last year – my mam would be on my case, and so would he. He did IB and he was always “did you study? Yes? Ok, good let’s skype”. Or something entirely unlike that. Im not too sure.

Ive coloured the stories. Not well, but I did. I'm too tired. Ive had a migraine all day and I just want to lie down. The migraine may be the cause of the “CBF”ness. I don’t know.. anyway, cheerybye… and goodnight internet.

apologies for the last post..

So the first image is of the little ganesh my ma got us, well.. got given in argentina. the idea of ganesh as remover of obstacles comforts me. Ive never been much for praying, so its not as if im praying to a statue or to Ganesh, but i do believe in ideas. Theyre the strongest force out there and they always comfort me. Its like all those sad books about people surviving horrible things. This thing that comforts me is knowing that if that person could survive something that what they did, that i should be fine. We as humankind should be fine.

We brought my art pieces home yesterday. The picture is of my favourite panel off my last piece. It was a board with panels sortve like a really big comic. The panel is meant to be a young me thinking "I wasnt sure what a family was supposed to be". the piece as a whole was dedicated to my dad. I guess i used as a way to deal with some of the stupid thoughts i get. I think it helped :)

And finally, a little bit more of Ganesh. I drew him, with the help of google images and a little bit of aimlessness with the colouring. its not perfect, i kept the pencil on the paper and i inked it loosely and lined it all with a thin marker just as loose. I needed to keep my hands busy and felt like trying to draw ganesh. so i did. Note the lack of emoness in the post. its mostly because im in pain and need to crawl into a comfy position with a hot warm bottle and read something. cheery bye internets! :D

Thisll be all text.. apart from Ganesh.

So Im feeling... very tired. There are several factors affecting this. The first is the uber lame one : i got my period today. Im sorry, internet, but i dont really give a fuck who knows. I guess all i really want to do is stick my head in my toilet and wait out the nausea, sleep all the day and not move until the cramps go away. But instead, i have to get up, exercise off all the uber fatness (ok, its not too bad, but im nearing the 65 kg mark and i really need to lose some of it...i am kinda tiny in general) and deal with life.

Another thing making feel really crappy is the people at school. They didnt do anything wrong, but i just feel kinda.. different. dont want to spend $6 to get there and go back home again to discuss stuff i dont really give a shit about right now, and i can barely afford anything. Im sick of that place. I want to leave it. It's mostly rich kids who more or less dont give a damn about their families (a lot i know do, though) and most of them probably dont know how to look after goldfish on their own let alone themselves... again, i feel half bad about these generalisations but.. Im sick of petty, sick of superficial, sick of drama-llamas and sick to death of beautiful people who arent really sure about the real world, the world out of that box. Im sure theyll do great though, they have good board to dive off into, and theyll probably have all the support they need.. but... these past two years have killed the idea of the easy life. There's no such thing. You have to give up your soul, time, dreams to have something close to easy; to be financially stable.

Im also feeling a little pressured at work. Ive been out of the groove for a long long time, and thats because of school, but my spark is gone. i dont know what to do, I dont feel like i should know what im doing. i feel like im back at square 1, where i dont ask anything and i just do what im told. I dont know, i'll ride it out and see what happens in the next few days.

And... my family. I love them, but.. this thing with ma, my head hurts from learning what the doctors mean when they say things, what operations are what, what treatments do what and everything.. and.. well.. my dad scars are hurting again. When i found out about the cancer, i wanted to get angry. I wanted to scream at the universe and curse it for threatening to take the parent i have left away. I was also terrified of losing ma, because i dont want her not to be there for all the important parts of my life; any children, a marriage, a home of my own, a good job, graduation, etc etc.. because thats what i hurt most about when it comes to dad, next to my guilt of not being there for him. Also.. things were said about dads condition before he died, and i felt horrible and hurt because i was never told anything about it. All i know was that it was his heart. Thats it. Internet, have you evr seen your loved one, cold and gone, on a hospital bed? Youd look at them, and know for a fact that its not them. The life is gone. Its just a shell. Its the point at which everything starts to fall apart.

So im sorry about the downer post. I need to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere so i dont explode. Wholemeal is out, and i dont feel like killing the buzz. Oh well.. hehe.. im going to put a happy pic to kill the sads. Well.. its ganesh. Whos awesome. I have it as my wallpaper and i also have a tiny little statue thing of him. myes :)

p.s. sorry for any typos or missing words, im a little tired...

Oh noes guess what starts tomorrow!!

Mocks start tomorrow. But the thing is, I dont have any exams tomorrow, so thats a relief. Its been rainy and cold, so Im treating myself to some noodles to keep self warm. Ive been a little sad lately, and surprisingly it has nothing to do with Wholemeal. Im really missing my dad. Its fathers day on Sunday. So is lame that I cant really... celebrate it, so to speak.

So am a little worried about exams. But I have been studying, and will continue to do studies. But for now, I will sit on the couch, eat, make dinner, watch a movie and miss wholemeal and my daddy. I had to update because Milkshake told me to. Nothing much has happened and Im scared my blog is going to get all boring. I WILL SOON POST DRAWINGS... once i actually draw. yeah :)\

Im quite tired, but then again what else is new?

I have something big to do. I am going to have to rush through it, and the only one i have to blame is myself. Im exhausted. I didnt sleep much last night... because of certain people who i am acquainted with, and i dont blame the person. I had to deal with school after that, then a little bit of work-related things, then a mini crisis of a friend (i hope youre okay now, dude, if youre reading this..). on top of all this, im going to die because school is lame.

Im very much looking forward to my birthday, and im sure it wont crash and burn (as earlier predicted by my paranoid self). I dont think that i care any more about my mam being there. i love her, and im glad shes part of my birthday. Im also glad she knows s\who she knows, because she might let some of my friends (and i) go out to look at the clubs. im not a club person, seeing as i inherited the inability to dance from my father. hehe, the benefits of being half caste are plenty. Lacking the ability to dance : not a benefit.

I cant be bothered to open my google reader to find the pretty pictures of the day, because im a lazy git. also, the opening of it would rape my brothers computer and the internet speed would go from a chicken crossing the road to the speed as which a rock moves. and when i say rock, i mean the big ones. that are stuck in the ground. they cannot be moved. ever. im sure you all get the idea (whoever you all are). So as a final offering, i give an image im fond of, because it is funny. i may have posted it before, but who cares? :D

C is for Childhood.

So its almost nostalgic today. I never really stayed at a beachside cottage when i was young, but i did go to a lot of hotels and resorts that were by the beach, but those words dont begin with the letter C, so yea.

My exams are finally over for the semester. I can almost relax and then die in a corner. Well, not really, but yes. i got home and felt so proud of myself. I managed to do my final exam in half the given time and despite the fact it hurt to move my fingers, i was happy. the funny thing was that my hand was so messed up that i could get out of the exam room because it was hard to get a hold on the door (firstly my hand was all gross and sweaty from all the exercise and secondly i had no more grip type thing).

Tomorrow, sadly, i have to go to school. I have ToK and i have to take something aesthetically pleasing. So i plan on taking an old photo of my dad that i used to carry around with me. Its him looking very young, very happy and the photo is just beautiful in general (soft colours and lines...). I think its also beautiful to me because he was my dad and he was one of the best things about my life.

So im going to be 18 soon. my mam bought me a little black dress in DC for my present (no, she doesnt believe in surprises, but i dont mind. in fact, i prefer it that way). I love her. I almost cried because a little black dress is supposed to be the epitomy of feminity and whatnot. In my head, its her acknowledging that im growing up and it feels so good to know something like that. I miss her so much. And just in case you, whoever you are, were wondering, none of todays pictures (apart from the top one) have any real relavance to todays post. I just thought that they looked nice. Yes. Im using that word i cannot stand. Nice. :D

I do like things!

Despite being often discontent with the world in general, there are many things I do really really like. I will list a few :)

- my friends, especially the likes of Salmon, Milkshake, Chocolate Milk and Ryssa

- warm, happy hugs that seem to last forever

- cappuccinos

- chill music

- my dog

- seeing weeds sticking out of the pavement

- grape lollipops

- sleeping in on a cold, rainy morning

- warm cream buns with a cold coca-cola

- the colour of the sky just after the sun comes up on a clear day

- the sound of the sea

- the smell of lemons

- long conversations with eloquent, funny people

- red wine

- memories of my dad

- old photograph albums

- the smell of books

- soft, cotton tee shirts

- tetris

these are some things I love, yes... love. I am capable of that emotion. I admit it :)

Love you daddy

So was my dads three years today. we didnt go to the cemetery. we didnt have any get together type things. i got a hug text from a friend who lives in the west. it made me smile. so yes. i didnt get up to much today, apart from doing some shopping, then window shopping with my mam, after some brunch, and then hanging around with my brother till the three of us watched a movie. now am just playing about online. yay aimlessness!
also, i spent most of last night sorting out my room. this meant that i put everything "in its place" (i.e into drawers or hanging them up in my closet-y thing, or putting hats on the back of my door and putting my earrings onto an old beanie so i can pick them in the morning (seeing as i have collected a few pairs, and some of them arent part of pairs and so on). i also tidied my desk next to my bed so now there is space to actually do things. is interesting. im also in desperate need of a new mirror. why? well... the one i do have is strange and only for checking outfits (speaking of which i also need a new mannequin. i have half of one i use to hang necklaces... it would nice to have something to help me work out ensembles with) and i need something i can use for things like checking my crazy mane of hair, or to put in contacts or put on eyeliner, etc etc. i had one, but it fell off my wall and broke. mebbe i can get whats left of that and attach it to the dead imac... hmn, theres a thought.
so yes. im just contemplating the suckiness or certain situations. yes, like the one where the only guy to actually be blunt with things lives overseas. sure he says that he would of asked me out, but figures nothing can happen because of where he lives. outcome? slight emoness due to situation and endless teasing from kind-of-gay friend because i met overseas guy through him. why do i meet so many gay people through ryss? (this is girl who lives in west who i met years ago. dude, totally awesome friend) i have no idea why, but is fine for me. darn you, universe! making me have horrible relationship history. i suppose itll make a good story when im 67 and alone though. "yarrgh, that darn universe, a four month one, then a week, then it was nothin' cuz he didnt live here!". my cats (yeah, i might end up a cat lady) will loathe me for those stories. theyll roll their catty eyes at me and meow for better noms.
yay for getting through another year! hopefully itll get better. it referring to life. it prolly wont. ah well :)

i has a teeny bit of the sads.

therefore, i have no damn energy to do a comic. also... i had a really bad day. i couldnt find my atm card this morning, i felt sick all day, i had to deal with the retards of my school, then lunch made everything so much worse.
im a bit unstable at the moment because im really missing my mam, and when a friend of mine was upset, i went to see if she was ok, then i found her with her dad and i felt so sad. i really miss my dad. so feeling sad after that, i got asked where my friend was and i said with her dad, and one retard was like "wtf m8??" and i stupidly said what i was feeling. well, that is "at least she has one" and the retard wasnt aware of certain things pertaining to myself.. so... i cried at school. yes. im weak. i hate it when i feel like this. i just cant stop crying now.
ah well. im sure ill feel better soon. maybe. so ill just feel sad while listening to sad music and feel better later. when i forget again.

Fiji English

Its funny trying to work out what people are saying sometimes. It may be said that English is a silly language, as it gets all its words from somewhere else, but here its very silly. Key phrase used when trying to look at a cute guy is "side mada that fullah over there". First of all, to "side" someone is to look at them from the corner of your eye sort of thing. "mada" is fijian, im sure sure exactly what it means, cept from the fact that it adds to the wonderfulness. "fullah" is basically "fellow" meaning guy, and over there... y'all get the picture. So the basic equivalent is "look at that guy". is funny. We add fijian, or hindi, depending on where you are and who you interact with. I say we despite the fact that i never grew up speaking like that. I grew up in a household where proper english stood, my dad was from England. I learnt about words by deduction. In class2, when i got my first list of vocabulary to learn, i asked my dad where the dictionary was and he wouldnt give it to me. he made me sit down and try to figure out what part of speech the word was and what the definition would be. Only if i was really stuck would he let me use a dictionary. We'd start with using the word in a sentence, then i'd have to explain it. It was fun. In english yesterday, some one asked what "bung" meant. for some reason i knew. i couldnt remember where i'd heard it from originally but it might have been with my dad. "bung" means broken basically. for example, youve got a bung leg or a bung eye or your computers gone bung. or something. idk.

i'd also like to add that i like google docs. since microsoft works is an oxymoron, and doesnt work, and since all i have is a bung pc (it has virus of some kind that is lame. it is also very old) and my netbook, ive turned to google docs to do IT homework. I had to do some lame excel stuff, but now is nearly done and im very proud of myself TYVM. :)

Now i think i'll stop with the blogs since am supposed to be working, but am supervising instead :D cuz im awesomely senior at work and stuff like that.

i might need pills

to help me sleep at least. my head is buzzing. im angry, at the world, at people, at the stupid neighbors who are very very loud.... and i cannot sleep like this. i cant sleep with lights on, when there's noise, when im thinking... im going off my head.

alright. i'll admit it. it started with me thinking about religion. i told someone about how i approach faith. my faith is somewhat selective in the fact that i treat the bible as something that shouldnt be taken literally. and so i want to know how this person stands. i have my reasons for being the way i am, that is im strange, crazy, obsessive and somewhat emotionally unstable and unavailable (well... i failed at one relationship and got burned when i tried to approach a new one... so sue me. yes im bitter and i hate that particular emotion). therefore, i base my faith on something that caters for my mind, and that makes me feel not so bad about the whole my dad dying thing.

yes. i cant face death. its my biggest fear aside from public bathrooms and hospital beds. public bathroom are disgusting, imo. im paranoid, okay? and i hate hospitals. the memory that i try to forget all the time was that of when i saw my fathers empty shell of a body lying on a hospital bed. so there. im off my head. sometimes it just has to be said.

yes yes... the bitter angry person that i am admits the failure that is my mind. i also need a new excuse to use as a euphemism for my stupidity. the one brain cell thing is old apparently.

/sigh.

Hate kids?

kids in reference to little children. i don't like them. i find most of them insane, irritating, loud and so so innocent. i miss being that age. i miss the whole "everything will be fine and i'm going to go to my parents and get a hug". sure, it might have just been my dad who i sought hugs from because i spent a lot of time with him as i grew up, but it's just something i really really miss.

i tried to read page 103 of the first autobio that we as an english class are going to study. i tried and tired. i begins along the lines of "when i was 11, my mother died". i tried not to let it get to me. it hit me and it hurt. i trieed to vent with painting and drawing, but it still hurt. yeah, i miss my dad.

i did something!

feeling better, i am

so... today was interesting. i went to church, talked to the cute guy i serve with (who my mother "approves" of... this isn't encouraging) and he asked for my number which was a bit "squee". but thing is i like someone else... or something like that. i told that guy who hasn't really reacted in any way so might just say yes if cute guy ever asks me to a movie or something. is a guy says "so i'll call you" in a church... what does that mean? /sigh.
so yes. the internet is horrible. you can tell someone something you'd never say to their face and you wonder how they had taken it. what bothers me is that maybe he just looked at the text and gone "meh, as if" or something like, "uh... won't this be awkward later?". although... i was hoping he won't talk to me afterwards. especially because i don't know how he reacted. so... was i supposed to bring it up? was i supposed to say NOTHING?? or was i meant to go "so how do you feel?". i am a bit obsessive, you might have noticed, as i can't handle people. if i don't know how they react... how am i to respond? if any of this makes sense... i'm still dealing with problem A. A being dad. i remember him not letting me answer the phone because a boy rang me once to check the homework we had been given. i remember when i first ever went out with someone (which i haven't done again because it was traumatising) i cried that night because i wanted my dad to be there to tell me off or to meet him or to just... be. my mother's reaction was "eeeeeeeek! you aren't gay~!" or something like that.
so my brother got a fish. he's never had a pet of his own before. the fish really doesnt like me. it tried to jump out of the bowl when i talked to it. he also called it "fishsticks". if you've seen the south park episode where kanye west doesnt get the "fishsticks=fishdicks" joke. say it everyone! say fishdicks and then say fishsticks really quickly. they sound the say right??
Image upload!! :D So... kbai!!

do like putting them in your mouth?