Puff puff cough

I have a bad habit and its name is smoking.

I haven't always been a smoker but it is my firm belief that I am not that bad when it comes to smoking.

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To be fair I only ever smoke when I'm relaxing. This was on the recommendation of my uncle, the Padre James.

Unfortunately with the massive influx of a heap of stress, I've taken to attempt to relax a lot. I have found that my smoking increases as stress does because the need or, to be true, the wish for relaxation increases.

I stress about a lot of things. I tend to worry. This does mean that I stress easily. I stress about work, about university assignments, classes and life in general.

Although after two blood pressure checks, Sunday and today (the latter being for a project I'm part of - info to follow later, I guess?) I don't actually have a medical problem because of it, so that's good. To be fair, I'm not the healthiest feeling person and I know there's a billion ways that I can improve but I guess the important thing is to GET CHECKED.

All that aside, I'm a lazy human being. I'm not uber healthy because of this. Now, my smoking of course tends to make me lazier. So, I suppose upon this realisation and knowing that I need to make a change at some point means I want to start now.

That said, I do plan on keeping my smoking where my drinking is: a social activity bystander. I will not smoke unless I feel like it anyway, but I guess I'll save it for a time that I know I'll enjoy it.

So with that, I guess I wanna throw some advice to the wind. I read somewhere that things like alcohol and cigarettes should never be something you think you need to have or consume, but rather should be something you enjoy. Your health is your business and so you need to figure out how you work and try to keep everything is check.

They say health is wealth and I've been pretty poor of pocket so I might as well try to pull myself up by my ears knowing only I can change myself.

attempting positivity

it's the end of the semester.

it's gone and now i just wait and see if i have failed a unit or two because i dont feel good about this one and all. in other news, im going through some stuff that includes a lot of facewalling.

i am also sick. i miss my ma and i want someone to look after me. i dont want to grow up and be 20 and learn about income tax and figuring out passport things and learn about budgeting to flat or worry about what grown up relationships are supposed to be about.

these are supposed to be my prime years but my friends are all out of town and im honestly a lot more comfy at home. so why the whining?

we all have that little "snarky" voice. i know because lifehacker sent me an email about it. and all of last year ive forced and double forced the positive extrovert to exhaustion. in short, i tried but failed at being happyhappy sunshine and rainbow poop.

so whats up with the facewalling? ive been friendzoned a lot lately. ok, two in a handful of months (ie 6) isnt a lot but considering i spend a lot of my time not talking to people, its a lot for me. and im not going to worry about it. or at least im going to tell myself that until i believe it.

wheres the problem with being friendzoned? well, its not so much as a problem but irritating. because i like mindless gibberjabber. i like talking and passing time with people, just.. one at a time. i like the idea of having someone that makes me ok. (See: I believe that relationships validate who you are because youre ok enough to be liked that way).

but im not validated. i have friends, a few great friends, i just dont get to see them because they have often parallel lives. and thats fine. i have a lot on my plate, its just i do it all at once rather than space things out in a smart way.

thats why i probably failed this semester. ive been sad. ive been feeling really alone. but most importantly ive been too gorram lazy and playing too many videogames to do the right amount of work to do well in my units.

and thus, i am attempting to attempt positivity. again.

issues with the blog post construction process

what do you do when you have all these ideas in your head and so few people who would listen and fewer who care. by few i mean 1 because we share everything.

i was going to blog about having no dad on fathers day but... who would listen or care? just one.

i was going to get upset and write a whiny thing but who would listen or care? not one. not even he, not even me. whiny statements are meant to be put down, deleted. they dont deserve to take space up in your head.

i worry, i cry, i break down, i repair, i live. i live in cycles. i live in parts. i organise. it works :)

i wanted to use this blog for art. i force time for it.

i miss a proper structure.

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

thankyou :)

a big big thankyou to those who commented and made me feel... so so appreciated. writing is something ive never really been... acknowledged for. Im an average english student, but it is something that i like to do. And speaking of writing, im working on a little something for wholemeal for him when he gets back next month. What is it? Hmm, maybe i wont say here, because i kind of want it to be a surprise, but what i say to hint at what it may be is to say that its a story, a cutesy one that wouldve made me laugh myself silly if i hadnt ever met him, but let's just say its me experimenting with what i want to do with my life. I wonder if that sentence made sense. Oh well :D

So. I've re-realised that im a terrible person. i tend to make fun of people in my head sometimes. This is usually when im alone. The thing is, im a somewhat odd person. I can say very mean things, usually about someones appearance or behaviour, and the next second, id be apologising over and over again. This is not only for people... but inanimate objects too. In one day, i made fun of a "gangsta" dude with a manly pink bag, a christmas tree and a very large person wearing a scarf (i laughed cuz... well.. the persons.."chin" was keeping their neck warm.. they didnt really need the scarf..).

anyway. yes. going to be a hectic week, so maybe not too much blogging. There may be snippets of wholemeals present, but yea. who knows? cheery bye and, again, thank you all :D

Playing with illustrator and flash..

I had drawn my face on a little mirror, so photo'd it, then flash-lined, then illustrator played. all done with a mouse so.. yeah... is difficult.. and yes, avoidance activity..

I am tired. Hey look, it's me! I have a netbook with one of them funny little inbuilt webcams, so decided to write something and use the webcam to make a lil picture :)

maybe i'll do this everytime i make a post from the netbook.. so im going to die because i cant do the assignments that are due tomorrow. i cant concentrate and the computers i have dont work properly. is gay in the face. i bought myself some shoes today to make myself feel better.

i only ended up getting creeped out by the sales guy and ended up being $40 poorer.

I have little to say.

I havent done the homework that was due yesterday.
The weather is bad.
I miss my mam and dad.
Theres a curfew of some kind.
My dog still make strange noises in his sleep.
I have no life.

i can never get good news

so, my mam is stuck in america due to "storm warning thingies". and i had quite a bit of the fun last night and after some retarded texting, i found out i have walls. walls? yes. walls. so, i forced myself into a cab so i could cry at home but then just ended up knocking out... 1am is late for me. then yes, i find out my mothers flight is delayed, and now she wont get back until tuesday or wednesday! so, sad story short, i resolve this issue with a dose of You've Got Mail and Inglorious Basterds. and some tea and cookies. cuz sugar makes eeeverything betterer.

no paper..

no i dont... and i cant make a proper comic im comfy with without paper. yes. im lying. im too lazy to do a comic. because im retarded and i love to go back on my word. the again its easy because no one bothers with this blog. yay me!

No amount of...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine....

It's the weepies. it was my jam... so to speak really, when i was in relationship. it makes me sad a bit now, especially since when thinking back to it, i feel like a total douche about it all. So yes... it's that mood. i'm all a bit sad. i miss sleep, i going to be in an ad (yay!) and should be getting new uniforms soon (more yay!).
See all the positive things going on? and i'm not doing too bad at school either... well, relatively. im actually not doing awesome, but i need more sleep. it's fucking with my mind basically. i should really get some pills when the ad money comes in. Pills and my new uniform. joy. pills to help sleep... that is. hehe. im okay. almost.
So... school is being lame, as per usual. too long imo. had period 10 today. sure, my teacher spent the whole time laughing at gay indian boy (truth is, i think he might be joking about the whole gay acting thing.. but then again. he stands way to close to guys sometimes :P ), and i was trying to read my google reader and he was laughing at everything so i couldnt.. and stuff. also, i dont think my art teacher likes me. maybe because when i work i say nothing, so when i do speak (which is when i dont feel like working, but i multitask..) she gets all aggro.
and yes... best class of the day is usually maths. because its teh only one that makes sense to me. most of the time anyway... but differentiating functions that use "e" and "ln" drive me crazy. i swear i facedesked at least a billion times.
Also, droid is making me angry. i might have to sit her down, tell her to calm the fuck down and that being frigid doesnt mean you threaten to beat the shit out of people who wind her up on purpose. /sigh. she probably wont listen to me. silly mondri person. wel.. i know she's only 2 years younger than i am, but i had to explain the word climax to her the other day. was somewhat strange. is like... "uhm... you know, when a man and a woman have that special hug... the point you wanna reach is the climax! hahahaha...ha." and she kinda just looks at me all grossed out. she asked, not my fault.
i end with just a few words from the genius of those LSD charged awesome peoples.

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide

Back for a bit.

Yes yes... it's another one of these. i got new shoes for school, a watch and a headache while getting some school prep done. i was supposed to hang out with a friend today but... /sigh. it never happened. you can never count on a poofta when you really need to giggle. so...i'm going tomorrow. and yes, i will miss you internet. i drew something. because i wanted to :) i should probably put a few more things innit with photoshop, or make it prettier or something. but i wont. because i'm lazy :) and one day, i will learn that camping gmail is unhealthy.

kekeke :)

bad night.

no one slept properly. i hardly slept... and all because of someone who took my phone. you see, i was just hanging out in my room, reading some sandman, lying around, and i get up to go to the bathroom, come back and i can see my netbook. reason? the bed is all messed up. alarms went off a bit. i'm obsessive complusive really and i didnt leave my bed like that. teh netbook was okay, but couldnt see my phone. so look around, got albie (my brother) to look for it, we called it, the guy answered after a few calls, i never heard what he said, and then...well... /sigh.
police came over, etc etc. i'm just upset. teh universe is against me. i have one good day and everything falls apart after i'm feeling happy. i had finally been able to say/type a few things. i had a nice (and kind of cute) guy get my number... and this? the balance is maitained and the world makes sense again?
:(

Swinging?

So, its the weekend, thanks god really. I've had such a hectic week. Trying to organise the EE, along with the the magazine pages, one im proud of and the other i CBF to make nice. So am just listening to the nerdy show after napping in between watching some metalocalypse. I love that show. Its so damn brutal. I loves it.
And i had a very tiring thing yesterday. there was a bit of teenage high school drama, and i had to sort it out because no one else was online. I ending up calling someones house because the person i had been talking to online wanted to talk to the person who wasnt online and was too much of a poofta to dial the number himself. I was then told never to call that persons house ever again. By person.
Person is alos sad today. I think. He buried his 13 year old dog today. he's being all guy about it and being all "meh". I want to yell at him and tell him how unhealthy apathy is. It is terribad, IMO anyway.
Note terribad picture.
I like flash.
I was to vent.
I love to vent.
:)