100th!

it's my hundredth post. i'm currently on a regina spektor high. i like her music, because it's all over the place and i really like her voice. is very nice, with the highs. and stuff. so... to admit i've been very emotional lately. i've been riding the sad train, i had my fun on the emotional rollercoaster, i took a spin in the Jaguar that is my emotions. i realised that my ex was the one who gave me regina spektor. i also was sad because i have that wish to hang out with people who probably can't stand me. i've also really been missing my dad. christmas and new year are never the same. life has never really felt right. i have regrets, yes, and i wish that i didn't. then again, it isn't as if i've really said anything out loud, or at least had anyone tell me that it's okay to feel. i got asked after my dad on thursday, by a woman artist who was the first ms hibiscus. i had to tell her that he had passed away. she looked a bit shocked. i was able to say a few words about it without even having to stop to suppress sobs. of course i got home feeling sick, as i haven't been well lately, and that was it. i didn't hide in my room, i didn't write a long, sad poem. i didn't draw something that had no meaning, no sense. i just threw it aside. i ignored it. it can't be healthy can it? i don't really have anyone to consult about this. i can't talk to my mam. i love her too much to pile this stupid stuff on her since she has so much work otherwise. i can't talk to my brother can i? he never talks about dad. i don't really have anyone that i could call to talk about it. i can't talk to my best friend. she'd be too deep about the situation and i don't feel like that's what i want right now. i don't want to be deep. i want to forget just a bit longer, or at least i just want to be told that everything is alright. or at least that nothing can possibly be any worse than it was. i want to just figure this out this year. i want to figure out what i want. yes. all i know i want is that i want to figure out who. who i am, who i want to be and who i need to be in between all that. who? maybe myself. i think that would be nice for a change. but wait! who am i again? i was once told that the best thing about me was my positivity. i think that person had no idea who they were talking to. rather, i don't think that, i know that. so... that whole thing was a bit painful. the funny thing is that this blog is a lot more secret than diaries i've written. diaries are always found though. found, used and burned. but you can't burn the internet. you can never find something you want. you can't use something you think you've found. it's a nice change.