sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.



im also an asshole because im angry at feminism sometimes.

if i was a mere commodity, i wouldve slyly gotten wholemeal to arrange marry the shizz out of me and then just live the rest of my life cooking and cleaning and caring for children while secretly drawing. this would be enough because wholemeal wouldve been there. but no. i live in the present. where things cost an arm and a limb when you feel like a paraplegic.

i also feel like an asshole because of all my complaining. its just one of those months where im stuck in this dark mood i cant get out of. i ended up nearly killing little feet, i didnt study until the last minute for my exams, i still cant eat, ive been sick, ive barely left my house and i just want to stay home and stare at the wall sometimes.

what makes me cry is seeing a birthday card from my dad from about a decade back. "we hope you enjoy your next ten years as much as your last".

i cry because i dont know if i have. ive lost family, especially my dad. ive changed schools, ridden a crazy ten year emotional rollercoaster thanks to my inability to want to adapt to most social situations. ive seen real women and the real issues, not my weepy teenage problems.

but im human right? sometimes in an asshole, and sometimes im a hardass and just do what i have to. sometimes im nice to people, sometimes im social and sometimes i spend a day in homeclothes without brushing my hair. im a person of relativism yet someone who wont pretend to think or do or be something that isnt what i really feel. thats an accomplishment right?

right?