dont be sad, be busy

sometimes i write whole blog posts that i leave without publishing, come back to it and go "holyshit son, thats fucken emo in the pants" and so on.

thats the thing about occasionally having amazing ups, you get the tremendous lows where your hands dont work quite right, you dont want to go outside, and all you want to do is lie there or sleep. heartbreak or nostalgia, worry and loneliness. various problems that cant be easily outweighed by looking around at all you have and how well off you are compared to those who have nothing or few.

it takes time to get out of it, a friend maybe but that often isnt the case when you dont want to go anywhere...

and apart from all that, we delve into other things. so i try. i made some homemade icecream, started to brew some ginger beer, taught myself horchata, fed some puppies, cleaned something, looked stuff up and teh list of things to do lengthens because inbetween all the plans because you have time to play some videogames or to lie down and feel all the bad things all over again.

videogames are addictive because, hell, youre often all powerful, you defeat things and you can be someone else, often teh hero. thats why i play rpgs i guess. and screw mmos, imma be the ONLY hero.

so to anyone who might feel down, alone, sad and everything inbetween, just take the time to feel it and fidn the way to fix yourself. occupy your time so its that you dont have the time to pine and wonder and toss and turn and ask whywhywhy.

maybe itll work. i dont wuite know what works for me, but i wont get over anything unless i try right?

i aim to be the exception, exceptionally.

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

weekend.

A new week, more terrifying experiences to be had. i have a problem. im sick of lack of emotional support. i hate how my best friend is usually out of town, and that the rest of my friends are too... different. i cant talk to them about some of the stuff i put in my blog, let alone about things i dont put here. i hate not being able to be close to someone.. but i know that its my fault. im just... a little bit lost.

on the bright side, i get to make a cover for friends cd type thing.. i think that what it is. or it just him asking for a portrait. either way, im glad to do it.