A flock of pigeons.

pigeons INDEED.

you want some context? let me oblige you.

Ive had a major development in the IT area after I left high school. I got my nerdy-outlet cutoff and i needed more kinda of rules as an "arts" major. I adopted lifehacker as a go-to and wondered how hard it would be to learn code and try to make a minecraft mod. but life gets in the way and im drawn away from rules of all of that and put in an exam room where i have to write an open ended essay and provide "personal response".

I dont like being personal all too often. Sure, I have a blog where i rant and rave and whatnot but i dont delve, per se. sometimes i dont want to substantiate a personal opinion, although i will if required.

when it comes to relating to people, i worry about being too honest because i dont want to lie, but i dont know whats appropriate. a newer friend of mine told me i was an attention seeker. this was after i made a conversation out of a comment of a classmate. apparently thats not what people do. nor was i supposed to say thank you to the bag guy twice not to mention i was "too loud".

rules i lived under apparently dont apply to the real world.

i like talking to people i can talk to. and finding those people is... in a word? difficult. i am loud. it might be because i spend a lot of time at home and get excited when i do talk. or my earbud wearing (the music headphoney things) has finally started to make me deaf. and i admit that i worry that what i say wont be heard, and no point saying something to someone that they cant hear.

i have been raised with my Ps and Qs well in check. You say thankyou. You tell the cabdriver to have a good day. And i do attempt eye contact where appropriate.

So. Wheres the connection to the pigeons? Have some personal response.

I dont understand people too often. When i was younger and spent a lot of time at the busstand in the afternoons, waiting for and in the namadi heights bus. that was the time the pigeons would flock as would the people. i would switch between the two to watch them. i understood neither how the groups of people formed nor why the pigeons made the shapes they did. they just did.

im getting to the point where i guess i have people i kind of get, some more than others. we dont always have the same rules of living, so i guess people will never to organised enough to do that bird synchronised thingy. wait, dancers sortve do that... and flashmobs... and people who do action choruses...

anyway i broke my analogy about human diversity. overall message? lets be ourselves... and can someone explain people to me someday? also- i applaud people who can dance. i cant. personal responses end here.

stay frosty :)

attempting positivity

it's the end of the semester.

it's gone and now i just wait and see if i have failed a unit or two because i dont feel good about this one and all. in other news, im going through some stuff that includes a lot of facewalling.

i am also sick. i miss my ma and i want someone to look after me. i dont want to grow up and be 20 and learn about income tax and figuring out passport things and learn about budgeting to flat or worry about what grown up relationships are supposed to be about.

these are supposed to be my prime years but my friends are all out of town and im honestly a lot more comfy at home. so why the whining?

we all have that little "snarky" voice. i know because lifehacker sent me an email about it. and all of last year ive forced and double forced the positive extrovert to exhaustion. in short, i tried but failed at being happyhappy sunshine and rainbow poop.

so whats up with the facewalling? ive been friendzoned a lot lately. ok, two in a handful of months (ie 6) isnt a lot but considering i spend a lot of my time not talking to people, its a lot for me. and im not going to worry about it. or at least im going to tell myself that until i believe it.

wheres the problem with being friendzoned? well, its not so much as a problem but irritating. because i like mindless gibberjabber. i like talking and passing time with people, just.. one at a time. i like the idea of having someone that makes me ok. (See: I believe that relationships validate who you are because youre ok enough to be liked that way).

but im not validated. i have friends, a few great friends, i just dont get to see them because they have often parallel lives. and thats fine. i have a lot on my plate, its just i do it all at once rather than space things out in a smart way.

thats why i probably failed this semester. ive been sad. ive been feeling really alone. but most importantly ive been too gorram lazy and playing too many videogames to do the right amount of work to do well in my units.

and thus, i am attempting to attempt positivity. again.

streaming live from my head again...

So i've been working on this stream of consciousness thingy... you dont get the beginning... but you can have a bit of the inbetween...

I grew up believing in divorce. My parents were divorced from when I was 3. I never dreamt about getting married and living happily ever after. I was never the tragically locked up princess; I was the crazy run-around-with-no-shoes-on-and-play-with-the-dogs day dreamer. I loved the mud between my toes, a stick in one hand, my other holding a tree I may’ve been “hiding” behind, stories to adventure in my head; adventures where I was all on my own, apart from a dog or two, traversing wild plains and lush forests. I would never want to be the spunky heroine who would shack up with the cute guy and then go into retirement to be a mum.

What’s one to do as a mum anyway? How does the heroine adjust? She can’t go off to save the world because she’s breastfeeding. She has to stay at home because there has to be someone to do the dishes, feed the cat, walk the dog, weed the garden, look after the baby and make delicious dinners. She’s going to wither away, go insane in the domestic, mundane-ness of it all. She’s he exotic flower transplanted into your backyard; a terrible idea.

More to come? Maybe, maybe not :)

i start uni tomorrow.

The one problem

i have few problems with speaking. sometimes i talk too much, sometimes i dont feel like talking at all, and sometimes i'll have the best plan for what i want to say about something, it'll be perfection, and i know somehow that it'll work out once i say it, but... i usually back out. why, you ask? well, because i'm a poofta. that pretty much means that i'm scared all the time. i know that what i'm saying will be okay and all, but what if? what if, what if and what if? /sigh.

Fiji English

Its funny trying to work out what people are saying sometimes. It may be said that English is a silly language, as it gets all its words from somewhere else, but here its very silly. Key phrase used when trying to look at a cute guy is "side mada that fullah over there". First of all, to "side" someone is to look at them from the corner of your eye sort of thing. "mada" is fijian, im sure sure exactly what it means, cept from the fact that it adds to the wonderfulness. "fullah" is basically "fellow" meaning guy, and over there... y'all get the picture. So the basic equivalent is "look at that guy". is funny. We add fijian, or hindi, depending on where you are and who you interact with. I say we despite the fact that i never grew up speaking like that. I grew up in a household where proper english stood, my dad was from England. I learnt about words by deduction. In class2, when i got my first list of vocabulary to learn, i asked my dad where the dictionary was and he wouldnt give it to me. he made me sit down and try to figure out what part of speech the word was and what the definition would be. Only if i was really stuck would he let me use a dictionary. We'd start with using the word in a sentence, then i'd have to explain it. It was fun. In english yesterday, some one asked what "bung" meant. for some reason i knew. i couldnt remember where i'd heard it from originally but it might have been with my dad. "bung" means broken basically. for example, youve got a bung leg or a bung eye or your computers gone bung. or something. idk.

i'd also like to add that i like google docs. since microsoft works is an oxymoron, and doesnt work, and since all i have is a bung pc (it has virus of some kind that is lame. it is also very old) and my netbook, ive turned to google docs to do IT homework. I had to do some lame excel stuff, but now is nearly done and im very proud of myself TYVM. :)

Now i think i'll stop with the blogs since am supposed to be working, but am supervising instead :D cuz im awesomely senior at work and stuff like that.