100th!

it's my hundredth post. i'm currently on a regina spektor high. i like her music, because it's all over the place and i really like her voice. is very nice, with the highs. and stuff. so... to admit i've been very emotional lately. i've been riding the sad train, i had my fun on the emotional rollercoaster, i took a spin in the Jaguar that is my emotions. i realised that my ex was the one who gave me regina spektor. i also was sad because i have that wish to hang out with people who probably can't stand me. i've also really been missing my dad. christmas and new year are never the same. life has never really felt right. i have regrets, yes, and i wish that i didn't. then again, it isn't as if i've really said anything out loud, or at least had anyone tell me that it's okay to feel. i got asked after my dad on thursday, by a woman artist who was the first ms hibiscus. i had to tell her that he had passed away. she looked a bit shocked. i was able to say a few words about it without even having to stop to suppress sobs. of course i got home feeling sick, as i haven't been well lately, and that was it. i didn't hide in my room, i didn't write a long, sad poem. i didn't draw something that had no meaning, no sense. i just threw it aside. i ignored it. it can't be healthy can it? i don't really have anyone to consult about this. i can't talk to my mam. i love her too much to pile this stupid stuff on her since she has so much work otherwise. i can't talk to my brother can i? he never talks about dad. i don't really have anyone that i could call to talk about it. i can't talk to my best friend. she'd be too deep about the situation and i don't feel like that's what i want right now. i don't want to be deep. i want to forget just a bit longer, or at least i just want to be told that everything is alright. or at least that nothing can possibly be any worse than it was. i want to just figure this out this year. i want to figure out what i want. yes. all i know i want is that i want to figure out who. who i am, who i want to be and who i need to be in between all that. who? maybe myself. i think that would be nice for a change. but wait! who am i again? i was once told that the best thing about me was my positivity. i think that person had no idea who they were talking to. rather, i don't think that, i know that. so... that whole thing was a bit painful. the funny thing is that this blog is a lot more secret than diaries i've written. diaries are always found though. found, used and burned. but you can't burn the internet. you can never find something you want. you can't use something you think you've found. it's a nice change.

too much? nah!

i finished KH2, i think i mentioned, but today i started KH1. It's okay, but getting used to the relatively archaic controls was a hassle. so... i played all day, but stopped for a shower, of course, to make dinner and to do human things i suppose.
i like the story, i still cry in the emotional bits, and i really want to finish it myself.. but i probably wont be able to.
i have work tomorrow, friday, saturday and i think sunday too..that, and i'm sad. well... i get sad a lot. but.. lately... it's been a bit worse. stupid mind of mine. makes things complicated with the feelings and the people.
but on the bright side, i'm doing absolutely nothing about it, so hopefully it will curl up and die eventually.

Not childish per se…

(as written at about 11.30 last night)

I’m a cry baby, I admit it. I cry a lot. Well, cry during videogames, at the ends mostly, because, of course, the RPGs I play are never uber happy. In fact, I finished kingdom hearts 2 on my own lately. I was overwhelmed. I had played from Sunday evening to Tuesday night. Then I was finished with 92% of the journal done. I beat the boss myself, apart from one part where I freaked out and handed it to my brother for about 15 seconds, and I was watching the final movie and I started to cry. My face was frozen up, tears fell from my eyes, and before I knew it I was sobbing hysterically. I tried to call a friend so I could shout “say something funny!” down the phone to stop me crying but the call got diverted. I was discouraged. And having a sore face, sore eyes and been in a discouraged mood is never good.
On the video game side, I like kingdom hearts 2. Is awesome. A mindless action RPG is just what I needed today. Button mashing kept my mind off things and the obsessive nature I possess gave me the strength to get all the treasures, the ultimate weapons and finish all the storylines. There is also a thing called drives, and I also got all the drive modes. It’s a bit sad, in retrospect, but I initially had the day planned to be boring and sad.
I couldn’t sleep because I think the coffin makers across the road were making coffins, as they do, and dogs were barking and my mind was wandering. I was on the verge of calling someone at 2 in the morning to tell them something. Then there was the email I wrote in my head, then the rehearsed speech. I had a plan and it was going to get carried out at 5am. But, the alarm went off, I went back to sleep and as of yet, nothing has happened. Then again it’s only Tuesday night, 11.30pm.
I think I might sleep. I needed to type this to be posted later so I could sleep. I had this thought as I read pride and prejudice, which we have to read for school, and it turned into something I’d rather not face. Oh, I also cried while reading p & p when mr. darcy confesses his love to elizabeth bennet. Why? Because it’s so sad… here is this man, basically pouring out his heart to eliza and all she can do is turn around and say, “nope, I like this other guy who said you were mean to him… so kthnxbai”. poor mr. darcy. Reason I never want to say words that I mean: I’m scared of being burned for it, just like mr. darcy was.
That’s enough for now.

The Gravy Boat

So, yesterday, I found out that I do not have a gravy boat. Well, not me, per se, but we as in my family. There is not a single gravy boat in my house. As I put hot water in my Maggi noodles, wishing I had Nissin instead, I realised that I would never be able to bring people over for dinner. Not dates or anything, as I’m terrified of people, but friends. My gay friend, Aussie, is supposed to come over after he gets back from his holidays all over the place. I was planning on making a nice big dinner or something, well… big for two, so we could gossip, talk about out holidays and giggle about boys. Now how am I supposed to have him over without a gravy boat? Is going to be a disaster. Or I could just cook lamb, beef or pork, which do not require gravy. But then the issue of getting either mint sauce, apple sauce or whatever goes with beef, is what I’m to face next. Aussie took Home Economics so he might be picky about accompanying sauces.
So I’m sitting in front of Sex In The City, with my noodles, wanting Nissin, and talking about my MSG addiction. I am addicted to it. I add soy sauce to my noodles, when sad I get chow mien from Joji’s, one of the best Chinese places in Suva, and when asked what I want to a quick takeout dinner, Chinese food always comes to mind. I always think about buying some myself when walking around the supermarket looking for soy sauce. I turn my head and think, “how exactly do I use this stuff?” I’ve never used MSG before, and I don’t think I want to use it without being very sure.
As you, reader, may have noticed, I like cooking. I make dinner a lot, I like to. It’s fun and relaxing. When I lived with my dad, I hardly cooked anything because it’s what dad did. One of the things I knew how to cook was custard. One holiday period, I had custard nearly everyday for breakfast. I knew custard, and how to make Maggi noodles slightly stir fried with tomato sauce. Crispy noodles covered in sauce. It was really tasty if I do say so myself. When I moved in with my mother, she taught me the basics; meat takes longer than vegetables, sauces are important, what tastes go with what meats, etc. So I learnt and now I’m here, at the point where cooking is something I like doing. I even made new year’s breakfast for some friends who stayed over the night. It was only French toast, but I felt happy after it. So there.
That’s it for now. I'm just posting a picture of magical green juice that is very nice. That is all. Now. That's it.

Today, i made my feet sore

by walking all around town. i spent a lot of the day with my grandmother in town. oh, and my mam, but we live together... so, yeah. mam and i went to get her glasses fixed, then we went to value city where i got me a new waistcoat, some pants and a dress. then we picked up my grandmother. we went to the pharmacy, then went on an epic journey to find fabric. we got some and got some nice cottony stuff. then we got lunch, walked around a little more, i scored myself a paul frank wallet, and we went to the supermarket, which seemed to take hours. so am home now and very happy.
so a friend got back into the country yesterday and have to admit was a bit happy to get a text for once. i was watching season 2 of Friends, which is very funny, and i was in a very good mood, which doesnt happen as often as i would like. i might be a bit neurotic. ah well.
so... shopping is fun, but my feet hurt. and am very tired. also a bit sad cuz wouldve been my parent's anniversary but they got divorced and my dad died. ah well. am still kinda happy anyway.
will now eat some food.
kthnxbai!

is very funny.
and i liek it.