Saturday, November 27, 2010

thankyou :)

a big big thankyou to those who commented and made me feel... so so appreciated. writing is something ive never really been... acknowledged for. Im an average english student, but it is something that i like to do. And speaking of writing, im working on a little something for wholemeal for him when he gets back next month. What is it? Hmm, maybe i wont say here, because i kind of want it to be a surprise, but what i say to hint at what it may be is to say that its a story, a cutesy one that wouldve made me laugh myself silly if i hadnt ever met him, but let's just say its me experimenting with what i want to do with my life. I wonder if that sentence made sense. Oh well :D

So. I've re-realised that im a terrible person. i tend to make fun of people in my head sometimes. This is usually when im alone. The thing is, im a somewhat odd person. I can say very mean things, usually about someones appearance or behaviour, and the next second, id be apologising over and over again. This is not only for people... but inanimate objects too. In one day, i made fun of a "gangsta" dude with a manly pink bag, a christmas tree and a very large person wearing a scarf (i laughed cuz... well.. the persons.."chin" was keeping their neck warm.. they didnt really need the scarf..).

anyway. yes. going to be a hectic week, so maybe not too much blogging. There may be snippets of wholemeals present, but yea. who knows? cheery bye and, again, thank you all :D

Thursday, November 25, 2010

so.

A blog isnt really what i want to write, is it? I mean, I worry sometimes. I dont know what exactly is and is not appropriate. I wonder why I put things out there if next to no one reads it.. but if you do, i am eternally grateful. I wonder if what i write is interesting, pointless or just plain negh (negh meaning that it isnt interesting in any way shape or form).

Why Im worrying about this, although worrying isnt the proper word i suppose, is because Im thinking about what i put on this blog and what i tell most people. The way to hide some things best is to put it in plain sight. So, when there isnt anyone physically around that i can feel like i can talk to, i write things down or put them on my blog. I do feel like its.. less than healthy, i guess, to bottle things up, so writing is one way to get some things out of my head. I know I have people to talk to, my friends, family and wholemeal.. but.. you see.. there are some things i dont want to say out loud. Most of those things are put on paper rather than on the blog.

I know, I know, another one of those odd, odd blog posts. But.. I guess its a general explanation for the oddity that is my blog. Well, more of an apology. /shrug.

apologies for the last post..


So the first image is of the little ganesh my ma got us, well.. got given in argentina. the idea of ganesh as remover of obstacles comforts me. Ive never been much for praying, so its not as if im praying to a statue or to Ganesh, but i do believe in ideas. Theyre the strongest force out there and they always comfort me. Its like all those sad books about people surviving horrible things. This thing that comforts me is knowing that if that person could survive something that what they did, that i should be fine. We as humankind should be fine.


We brought my art pieces home yesterday. The picture is of my favourite panel off my last piece. It was a board with panels sortve like a really big comic. The panel is meant to be a young me thinking "I wasnt sure what a family was supposed to be". the piece as a whole was dedicated to my dad. I guess i used as a way to deal with some of the stupid thoughts i get. I think it helped :)


And finally, a little bit more of Ganesh. I drew him, with the help of google images and a little bit of aimlessness with the colouring. its not perfect, i kept the pencil on the paper and i inked it loosely and lined it all with a thin marker just as loose. I needed to keep my hands busy and felt like trying to draw ganesh. so i did. Note the lack of emoness in the post. its mostly because im in pain and need to crawl into a comfy position with a hot warm bottle and read something. cheery bye internets! :D

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thisll be all text.. apart from Ganesh.

So Im feeling... very tired. There are several factors affecting this. The first is the uber lame one : i got my period today. Im sorry, internet, but i dont really give a fuck who knows. I guess all i really want to do is stick my head in my toilet and wait out the nausea, sleep all the day and not move until the cramps go away. But instead, i have to get up, exercise off all the uber fatness (ok, its not too bad, but im nearing the 65 kg mark and i really need to lose some of it...i am kinda tiny in general) and deal with life.

Another thing making feel really crappy is the people at school. They didnt do anything wrong, but i just feel kinda.. different. dont want to spend $6 to get there and go back home again to discuss stuff i dont really give a shit about right now, and i can barely afford anything. Im sick of that place. I want to leave it. It's mostly rich kids who more or less dont give a damn about their families (a lot i know do, though) and most of them probably dont know how to look after goldfish on their own let alone themselves... again, i feel half bad about these generalisations but.. Im sick of petty, sick of superficial, sick of drama-llamas and sick to death of beautiful people who arent really sure about the real world, the world out of that box. Im sure theyll do great though, they have good board to dive off into, and theyll probably have all the support they need.. but... these past two years have killed the idea of the easy life. There's no such thing. You have to give up your soul, time, dreams to have something close to easy; to be financially stable.

Im also feeling a little pressured at work. Ive been out of the groove for a long long time, and thats because of school, but my spark is gone. i dont know what to do, I dont feel like i should know what im doing. i feel like im back at square 1, where i dont ask anything and i just do what im told. I dont know, i'll ride it out and see what happens in the next few days.
And... my family. I love them, but.. this thing with ma, my head hurts from learning what the doctors mean when they say things, what operations are what, what treatments do what and everything.. and.. well.. my dad scars are hurting again. When i found out about the cancer, i wanted to get angry. I wanted to scream at the universe and curse it for threatening to take the parent i have left away. I was also terrified of losing ma, because i dont want her not to be there for all the important parts of my life; any children, a marriage, a home of my own, a good job, graduation, etc etc.. because thats what i hurt most about when it comes to dad, next to my guilt of not being there for him. Also.. things were said about dads condition before he died, and i felt horrible and hurt because i was never told anything about it. All i know was that it was his heart. Thats it. Internet, have you evr seen your loved one, cold and gone, on a hospital bed? Youd look at them, and know for a fact that its not them. The life is gone. Its just a shell. Its the point at which everything starts to fall apart.

So im sorry about the downer post. I need to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere so i dont explode. Wholemeal is out, and i dont feel like killing the buzz. Oh well.. hehe.. im going to put a happy pic to kill the sads. Well.. its ganesh. Whos awesome. I have it as my wallpaper and i also have a tiny little statue thing of him. myes :)


p.s. sorry for any typos or missing words, im a little tired...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

HOLYS**TSONIMDONE

So. Im done with high school! well proper anyway. I won IB, i have a prelimary place at USP, im happy. apart from some stuff thats going wrong in general. No, im still with wholemeal.. but.. well.. idk if this should be here but my mam has breast cancer. it sucks. its early stages yet, and hasnt spread anywhere else, but it still isnt somethign anyone wants to happen. ah well.. i love you ma <3>
Oh my gawd, im never going to have maths again... damn. anyway, i plan on filling my days by filling a scrap book with recipes and stuff. because im hardcore. i might also need to develop a liking of prawns and learn how to make them into curry. damn. ah well.. guess ill have to anyway :P



Naw poor saturn, prolly stuck in an arranged marriage. Anyway, yes. Im at work, and im very glad to be back. i love sitting at the console, feeling uber important, and just doing my job. im also very excited to get back into program making. i missed it so much. so yea. im going to have to run across the room now ^^




POKEMANS! anyway.. yes. so nothing much has gone down.. apart from a few freak out, many long skype talks about nest to nothing, and several facewall days, and there have been many many long hours spent with my face next to my netbook screen as i play harvest moon. well, the more friends of mineral town one. because i want to play a chick, and i managted to nearly fix both the sad guy and the chicken farm guy :) im so awesome ^^ and i have the fixing skills :P just ask wholemeal ^^ WHOLMEAL WHO OWES THIS BLOG A POEM in case he's reading. hopeless silly boy who i cant get over :) and just a side note, thank you IMGFAV :D you make my day sometimes ^^

Monday, November 1, 2010

HolySmokes Thursday



So this has been happening to me a lot.. the missing that is. However a little more than a month and then he'll be back for me to drag around places that no one else will go with me, to keep me company in cabs and to shake his head when i order my 3rd coffee of the day. So yeah, Exams start, for me, on thursday afternoon with the worlds awesomest subject, imo, mathematics. Ive had an awesome teacher, and ive always loved the logic and the certainty of it all... lame? maybe but i really couldnt care less :)



So.. i had a really dark moment yesterday.. I crashed, burned, sent the worlds most emo email ever to Wholemeal, cried and was ever so close to facewalling, but then i fell asleep. the cause? its all me really. I tend to put myself down when im.. idk.. let down isnt the word, but i gues swhen things dont sort out the way theyre supposed to. the wont bore you with the details, im just going to share what i learnt from that experience.



The greatest critic in our lives are ourselves. Unless we believe it when people put us down, it wont affect us. and to put ourselves down is the worst thing that can ever happen. I know im not exactly the worlds greatest person, but im an ok chick. there wasnt anyone else to tell me to calm down but him.. its odd in a way that hes the only one id believe. my family are biased.. but honestly to have someone, who cares when he doesnt have to, who points out the best things about you, and he worst things he'll tell you arent really bad or he tries to help you overcome those things. its nice, better than anything i could ever hope for or ask for.. and i know that thats why i dont care about the distance. :)




alrighty then. Serious panicking is over, the locking down and nailing self to desk to study has started. i have 3 weeks before im done with high school. Im so excited, but i have been warned that at the end of it all, its anti-climatic... english teachers really know how to make your day, dont they? :P Im being silly.. and to clear things up, it was my english teacher that told me that the end was going to be anitclimatic. she told her whole class (around 10 people). i guess its her way of caring :P alrighty, see ya round internets :)