beware the venting and general downness

I ask myself what do i want to do in my lifetime a lot.

maybe too much. and this often is accompanied by "and who with?"

Now at the more or less end of something that had made me so damn happy i wonder where i go to from here. its not fairytale ending, and i guess ive never wanted one of those. im a pessimist masquerading as a realist and i  used to be content with the idea that id eventually get married to someone bland, have a kid or two, end up divorced and career oriented and maybe only see my kids on weekends.

is that still what i expect? of course not. i resolve to be exceptional. i guess one day i want to wake up next to someone who i'd be in awe of but still manage to get through all the banal, everyday things and not letting it all get to me. who with? god knows. when? same answer here too. but ive decided to settle for nothing less than happiness, with someone who'd consider me an exception to all the bullshit in the world and vieversa. that then transcending all the obstacles and people just getting on in a content manner.

in short? i plan not to bother with this or that and not necessarily wait for something perfect but not completely ignoring the possibility, which was my initial plan i guess. why tell the world? because maybe people need to feel the same. why be in something that makes you unhappy? why drag something around like a dead thing because that smell doesnt go away all too soon.

i was talking to a friend and she asked me "why are guys so complicated?". she and i are similar in teh sense that we know what we want and we say it without hesitation in appropriate circumstances. we are happy with simple things and feel that articulation is important unless your aim is to be disappointed with all the output that you get.

so people are complicated i guess. its just a matter of understanding them and knowing how they are. the complication is often not in the aspects of the personality but the revelation and learning of such aspects.

that is to say sometimes people are only themselves on their own or among few people, so how are we to understand them if we arent there to educate our general understanding? and so on and so forth.

so basically i might be getting closer to getting rid of my general artists block. its very painful when you want your hands to do things but they fail everytime. it used to be an outlet, a refuse by now its just... inaccessible.

on a lighter note, it seems that a lot of pictures of me when i was young were topless. i dont understand that. maybe thats why so many people thought i was a boy. it mightve also been my short hair. and handmedown clothes from my brother. and me being generally dirty.