Friday, June 24, 2011

From Imgfav with love...

So.. have some imgfav gold ive found recently :)

(Still I rise - this will forever remind me of my year 12 english teacher..)

(Slutwalk - one day, suva will catch up)

(10 things i hate about you poem)

(the pans labyrinth thing..)

Havent posted much... why you ask?

I dont know really. I guess Ive been doing other things, not so much writing, contemplating or anything.. i've been playing videogames mostly. Sleeping is my #3 thing on my mind, after wholemeal and videogames.

I finished the second dragon age game before my brother, as i did with fable 3. ive been home a lot more than he, to be fair. so i go back to finishing the first dragon age which i didnt get to do because he buggered about with the DLCs and borked it.

Im having fun in Dragon Age and trying my hardest not to use a walkthrough or FAQ. Despite frustration, I did the gauntlet puzzle thing with the bridge all on my own. I did use one, however, to figure out who gets what gift.

So apart from my lame videogamingness, i have been leaving my house to do errands, supermarketing and work so its not like ive shut myself off from reality.

Much.

Anyway, better get back to the console..

Ciao :D

Dreams.

The other night I had this very odd dream. It was either uber symbolic, because I have now passed the “tender teen years” trial, successfully becoming 19, and I can now neither call myself a young woman or a lady. Anyway, the dream I had was in a familiar setting, I’d had dreams of these magic pools of water on these caves that appeared in my dreams in the garden at the house I lived in with my dad, stepmother and brothers. I was surrounded by all the “adult” people I knew and I remember saying out loud that I had had friends come over to the magic place when I was much younger and what a sad state the pools were in then.
They were sad, the levels were low, the magic seemed a day away from being dried up, the caves were crumbling, and the older friends in my dream didn’t want to be there. So they left, and it was me, feet in the water, being beckoned by these friends, promised a more mature, better kept location.
I guess I had been tripping again on nutmeg, which has happened only once before and the effect both times were very slight and only affected dreams. On the over hand, it could’ve been a kind of stand by my subconscious saying “grow up, you daft monkey”. The times have changed, I have outgrown the pool and the magic would no longer work for me. I need a different refuge, I need to grow up and I have people there to help me grow. I have friends (yes, I barely see them but I have them... somewhere), I have a significant other and I have my family.
But most importantly, I have me. I have me realizing the need to grow. I have me wanting to grow. That’s the hard part done, right?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.
I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.
Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.
To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.
I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.
I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.
I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?
I am, right?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Fifi hath return-ed...-th.


So hey, how is everyone? Oh, me? Im just nauseous. Don't worry, though - study break is really recovery so i don't fall out of exam seats with cramps and all. My airshift this week productive (as you can see in the blog post aujourd'hui.). I think i need a new marker because i made like.. 6 of these. There are these 2, 2 secret ones (BWWAHAHAHAHA) and 2 lame ones. Yes. These arent the lame ones :O

anyway, stay frosty while i bum around in my pirate getups :D

ciao :)