i am an eejit

sometimes i get caught up in the big picture.

the wonder and wish for a family because i feel that having a babeh or something, a real family of my own, is the best thing one can do with ones life.

i spend a lot of time wishing i had the certainty of person. but that is all time wasted.

life is everywhere and building a legacy is also something i want to do. not on a large scale, but i want to do something im proud of.

storybooks i make, im proud of. the friends i have made, i often find myself facepalming as i sit conservatively to the side, being my usual lazy self, but i am also proud to know them.

i am caught up in the habit of having someone i feel like i connect with. i stupidly find myself unable to associate my person with the idea of an ex.

maybe because i didnt really feel like anyones anything. i still dont. im mine. i am not defined by who i attach myself to. i am defined by myself. what i do. right?

i am more often defined as my mother's daughter, but i am glad that even she allows for the recognition of myself as an individual, branching out from what she has given me, yes, but an individual.

i rearranged my bedroom furniture today. its a habit i have. when im bothered i fold clothes, sit and stare, cry now and again, clean, rearrange things. i never draw to clear my head. the pictures are all fuzzy and end up as crumpled pieces of paper in a bin.

there is no other moral to the story than this-dwelling is unhealthy.

i am the hypocritical confidante and i am one who knows the issue so well, yet does nothing. i endeavour to change that.

baby steps.