My friend, manic-ness!

I recently scrapped about four posts I attempted to write because they delved into the depressing and highly personal.

To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure what I made this blog for. Sharing? Yes… But there’s only so much I can share, to be honest.

One thing I can be honest about it being scared to tell my family… in an out loud way that I’m scared of my manic depression (Steven Fry told me, via QI, that “manic” is better to say than “bipolar”).

I’m glad it’s not a terribly bad kind, and I’ve been keeping note of what triggers it and trying my hardest to come up with ways to bounce back whenever the lows hit. 

Some words of advice to those who have friends with this problem: saying "I've totally been there" does not help. Nor does "tough love". Yes, certain friends of mine. While I appreciate your attempts to help, you aren't very good at helping.

Positive people, distractions, a simple hug that doesn't say "I'm sorry" but "I'm here" helps. Don't be sad for me, I'm sad enough for myself and the four people I walked past on my out off campus when I started crying.

Context used to help but now it feel hollow. I used to say "it could be so much worse". But to respond, my lowness says "it's worse than it was. You used to be so happy". 

Now I think I should just tell myself that I'm here. I'm here to make my Ma happy, to do something that woulda made my Dad proud and something that I enjoy. 

I know I don't have the same kinda support I used to have from Wholemeal, but he's around when he can be. And I now have my useless butt friend Porcupine from time to time to help out and that keeps me occupied. 

That's the main thing. Keep busy. When Im just busy enough, I feel good doing stuff. So to anyone who knows what a low feels like, who hangs out with their manic self from time to time or someone who knows someone like me, keep in mind that what I know and what other people need are not the same thing. 

To each their own :) Stay frosty!

Not So Down

My goodness, I havent written in ages. why? well... i havent had much going on except uni and trying not to think about stuff that might make me sad, but that often fails but i suppose there are people around that make it a little better.
such is life.
life is about finding those people, right? you find people, you have fun, you survive and you get hrough what you need to until you find a way to do what makes you happy.
doan get me wrong, its not as if i dont do anything that makes me happy. i draw, i uke, i work at a place that, while frustrating occasionally, i feel like im doing something real.
i guess uni drags me down a lot. "school".
things i wont need, have no interest in, occasional tutors that think theyre better than you are just because they have a degree and youre still.. well.. "learning".
i liked this semester because for once i was excited about a journalism unit. radio. i love radio. the practicality, the simplicity, the .. well.. sound of GOOD radio.
i want to do that.
but the work has left me disenchanted on the mainstream front. those around me who complain and dont work annoy me. i know i dont compare myself to them, academically, otherwise i wouldnt want to get up in the morning if i did that (to be a tad dramatic), but the whole thing about just not giving a fuck.
why cant you just care about doing stuff.
yes, its part of your compulsory units, but.. well.. it's easy. stop complaining.
anyway.
i finally got chapter 6 of my good ol' ASC and Me up now, so thats nice :D