growing up pains

"freedom comes slowly at first" - Brian Keenan, An Evil Cradling. I probably mentioned earlier how grateful i am to my mother and the freedom she had allowed while wholemeal is here. I use "had" because... well.. the was a thing that happened (seriously not serious at all) and a communication fallout, as i do because im terrible at things. i recently got my IB results and got a 31 (out of 45), which i do feel proud of. sure, it's not uber impressive, but i managed that and did a whole bunch of other stuff too. It was also a seriously important two years for me. I stopped with the smoking, i had to question what i wanted, i dealt with a whole bunch of my own silly personal issues, and while keeping with the NGO work, I met wholemeal. The funny thing about my school results were that they improved in the forth and final semester, after i met him. but there are a few things that i had to realise and accept to actually "grow up".

I used to lie half in and half out of reality. I loved daydreaming, which would usually be the way i would develop the core stories for my silly comic story-lines. I would learn from TV and movies, and always figured that things would work out like they do in movies and books and things. This is not true. In movies, there may be young love and all sorts of things, but theres hardly any mention of family troubles or involvement or responsibilities or anything like that. I never understood what it would mean to manage a home until i moved in with my ma. sure, people would take about getting a job then moving in with their friends, but what about the family youre moving away from? would the new job be enough to cover rent, let alone be enough for bills and groceries and money for outings and stuff, not to mention put aside as savings. it makes my brain hurt.

sometimes i can be selfish and just want to leave home to get away from it all. to hide with wholemeal. the thing is, he wouldnt really let me. i wouldnt let me do something like that. my family is important to me. how they feel and what they do is something important to me. sure, i worry that i'd let them down. i worry that how i do in school will disappoint them. i worry that i wont do well enough with gen next or at the y. i worry that im not doing enough for them. i do know that how i feel about im doing ultimately should be the final thing (im a little lost for words), but.. how they feel contributes to it all. i do feel like im rambling on a little, and im probably not making too much sense right now.. but i think all i want to say.. not really admit, but something between the two, is that im at that stage in my life (haha dont i sound like a drama queen..) where all i want to do it throw myself off the cliff rather than scale down it carefully, with my harness securely fastened. "freedom comes slowly". one must never forget. there is a time for everything. patience is the skill and seizing the opportunity is something one should never regret.