My friend, manic-ness!

I recently scrapped about four posts I attempted to write because they delved into the depressing and highly personal.

To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure what I made this blog for. Sharing? Yes… But there’s only so much I can share, to be honest.

One thing I can be honest about it being scared to tell my family… in an out loud way that I’m scared of my manic depression (Steven Fry told me, via QI, that “manic” is better to say than “bipolar”).

I’m glad it’s not a terribly bad kind, and I’ve been keeping note of what triggers it and trying my hardest to come up with ways to bounce back whenever the lows hit. 

Some words of advice to those who have friends with this problem: saying "I've totally been there" does not help. Nor does "tough love". Yes, certain friends of mine. While I appreciate your attempts to help, you aren't very good at helping.

Positive people, distractions, a simple hug that doesn't say "I'm sorry" but "I'm here" helps. Don't be sad for me, I'm sad enough for myself and the four people I walked past on my out off campus when I started crying.

Context used to help but now it feel hollow. I used to say "it could be so much worse". But to respond, my lowness says "it's worse than it was. You used to be so happy". 

Now I think I should just tell myself that I'm here. I'm here to make my Ma happy, to do something that woulda made my Dad proud and something that I enjoy. 

I know I don't have the same kinda support I used to have from Wholemeal, but he's around when he can be. And I now have my useless butt friend Porcupine from time to time to help out and that keeps me occupied. 

That's the main thing. Keep busy. When Im just busy enough, I feel good doing stuff. So to anyone who knows what a low feels like, who hangs out with their manic self from time to time or someone who knows someone like me, keep in mind that what I know and what other people need are not the same thing. 

To each their own :) Stay frosty!

Of bread-dudes and kinda-dead dudes.

when wholemeal and i were first going out, i learnt a whole bunch of things that were very very odd to me.

he had his funny little quirks like that fact that he would say "one pant" and instead of motorbike would say "cycle"... he also used to be able to fit into my clothes better than i did (however it might be fair to mention most of the stuff he borrowed to bring this fact to light were my shirts and guy-cut teeshirts.)

it was weird that he couldnt roll dough out when i asked him to help me make puri and the day i found out that he didnt like pork and didnt eat beef, my perception of all meat was changed forever.

i guess all the little daily things - cooking, picking what to wear every morning, buying pants... all these things reminded me of him. his arctic monkeys CD is still sitting in the box i put it in to hide it from myself, not to mention all the other music im addicted to are all his fault.

and theres the card i found looking back at all my little girly and emo journals with him. on the inside, on the right "a very happy birthday to our darling daughter. we hope that you enjoy your next ten years as much as your last. Daddy and lorna". and then a four "x"s. daddy's blocky handwriting with all his E's in caps.

i have that in front of me at my desk so everyday i get closer to my 20th birthday, if i dont know what im doing, i try to think of something at would make daddy proud. so when i put together all the things that have happened from when i was 11 to june this year, despite his passing and all the changes and dark moods - i'll have a decade i can look back at and go "fuck yeah".

wholemeal is a big part of that decade. was? is? ah well. but im pretty sure id made up at least half of losing a dad. he was someone to hug. i'd lost that along with daddy.

ARSEBUTTS.

not so happy xmas? no thanks, brain.

its coming up to christmas and i need to kinda get out of this mood. christmas to me is decorating the tree the night before, putting all the presents under there and watching children tear at their presents with excitement while babehs roll around in the paper and everything else.

wholemeal has been uber busy of late, with the last bit of exams and life just keeps happening. its scary. i dont want it to, in case i miss something while i watching everything happen.. and i just dont know where everything is going and fingers crossed next year will be better than this one.

hope for better days, and i know the new year will be a disappointment in every way shaoe and form because welcoming 2011 was amazing. it was lame, at mcdonalds, and neither wholemeal nor i knew when it was precisely midnight, but atsome point in between the fries and my cheap coffee, we kissed happy new year and im sure we made alex turner proud :P

this year will be family, so not bad just different, and im going to be two decades old. i know where i quite fit just yet, so im not going to worry about trying to put myself in somewhere that doesnt feel quite right. better alone than in the wrong place.

but now its still 2011, its still december, and theres time to figure everything out. at least try to.

sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.

Couply stuff

 So have some recent doodles, both about Wholemeal and I

Also, CURSE YOUU ROSS NOBLE

I'm awesome.

Exams soon. Im ok with teh idea. Little feet is comign along ok. You should all look at it. Here. Have a link to it. Stay tuned for more possible updates. enjoy teh hand above :)

issues with the blog post construction process

what do you do when you have all these ideas in your head and so few people who would listen and fewer who care. by few i mean 1 because we share everything.

i was going to blog about having no dad on fathers day but... who would listen or care? just one.

i was going to get upset and write a whiny thing but who would listen or care? not one. not even he, not even me. whiny statements are meant to be put down, deleted. they dont deserve to take space up in your head.

i worry, i cry, i break down, i repair, i live. i live in cycles. i live in parts. i organise. it works :)

i wanted to use this blog for art. i force time for it.

i miss a proper structure.

So here's what Ive been doing lately..

 So Ive been working on making makeup ads into stencils.. hehe.. the one above was when wasnt in the happiest mood hahaha... but just adjusted levels a bit... used sliver spray paint so thats why it might look a little odd.

This one (above) was also a makeup ad,  but used marker to get teh stencilled stuff out because was avoiding my sad can of silver spraypaint...

so i bought markers and told wholemeal: "TELL ME WHAT TO DRAWWUHHH". so he said 'draw one really confused man". im not sure if he meant a or one really confused man, because in Fiji English its the same thing.. as in "thets one gewwd place to eat".

And heres a little doodle of me :) i started trying to exercise, wasnt well this morning so missed out going for a walk, but in general am somewhat enjoying the idea. not the action so much haha...

so yes, im trying to avoid long, angry, weepy posts because i dont really have much to be angry and weepy about and theres no point is there? its not that good an idea haha, the internet has enough emos :)

stay tuned for some more stuff.

maybe.

Havent posted much... why you ask?

I dont know really. I guess Ive been doing other things, not so much writing, contemplating or anything.. i've been playing videogames mostly. Sleeping is my #3 thing on my mind, after wholemeal and videogames.

I finished the second dragon age game before my brother, as i did with fable 3. ive been home a lot more than he, to be fair. so i go back to finishing the first dragon age which i didnt get to do because he buggered about with the DLCs and borked it.

Im having fun in Dragon Age and trying my hardest not to use a walkthrough or FAQ. Despite frustration, I did the gauntlet puzzle thing with the bridge all on my own. I did use one, however, to figure out who gets what gift.

So apart from my lame videogamingness, i have been leaving my house to do errands, supermarketing and work so its not like ive shut myself off from reality.

Much.

Anyway, better get back to the console..

Ciao :D

Dreams.

The other night I had this very odd dream. It was either uber symbolic, because I have now passed the “tender teen years” trial, successfully becoming 19, and I can now neither call myself a young woman or a lady. Anyway, the dream I had was in a familiar setting, I’d had dreams of these magic pools of water on these caves that appeared in my dreams in the garden at the house I lived in with my dad, stepmother and brothers. I was surrounded by all the “adult” people I knew and I remember saying out loud that I had had friends come over to the magic place when I was much younger and what a sad state the pools were in then.

They were sad, the levels were low, the magic seemed a day away from being dried up, the caves were crumbling, and the older friends in my dream didn’t want to be there. So they left, and it was me, feet in the water, being beckoned by these friends, promised a more mature, better kept location.

I guess I had been tripping again on nutmeg, which has happened only once before and the effect both times were very slight and only affected dreams. On the over hand, it could’ve been a kind of stand by my subconscious saying “grow up, you daft monkey”. The times have changed, I have outgrown the pool and the magic would no longer work for me. I need a different refuge, I need to grow up and I have people there to help me grow. I have friends (yes, I barely see them but I have them... somewhere), I have a significant other and I have my family.

But most importantly, I have me. I have me realizing the need to grow. I have me wanting to grow. That’s the hard part done, right?

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

16 days now...

hairclips, a ring.... black and white is handcore...

Back from easter break, and boy do my feet hurt! Actually, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever why my feet hurt. I havent actually done much...

For some reason my Ma and I are now watching four weddings and a funeral..

And.. let's see... Im tired :)

Ciao and enjoy the stuff i bunged in here :D

doodles... note the bottom one - which is wholemeal playing with a cat

A-M

A is for alone

feeling quite.. alone. in a physical sense. but i prefer it at the moment. i dont want to be crowded, and with some family around, i feel claustrophobic, but wholemeal makes it so much better

B is for boiled water

for noodles for lunch. they comfort me. theyre familiar.

C is for cancer

that my mam is dealing with. im always so scared that i wont be able to do enough for her. i try, but i'll never really know.

D is for distance

that hurts the heart, but the ties to that place faraway stops the pain and sends me love and smiles.

E is for elephants

forever my symbol, of something exotic, interesting and wise

F is for father

the one i miss ever so much

G is for greens with dinner

to keep up my strength, health and whatnot.

H is for heart, strong but hesitant

that is no longer mine, and has been promised to be kept safe and warm

I for me, myself and I

not number one, but myself none the less.

J is for juice that never seems to be there

that runs out so quickly

K is for karma

that bites you in the butt or glides you through your day

L is for life and love

two things thatre very important.

M is for money

that cold thing, yet so important..

so i'm trying

but its really hard to work. you want to know what i did today? i watched that 70s show and replace my atm card. the guy at the bank tried to make me do that sms banking thing. it was liek "uhh.. im sorry i have to go". and by go i meant away. i went and had an iced coffee and i thunked. i thinked and thunked and stuff fell out. i came up with more ideas for books. the main one was about my dad. so i do i plan on dealing with it all by writing, then drawing, about it. think along the lines of persepolis, just not as good. i suppose. so. long night ahead. im going to get wholemeal to force me to work. i can work, but.. i just... i just sit down and my mind wanders and i get sad. he stops me from being sad.

cheerio (and hopefully more cheer later) .

nearly how long?

Thats so awesome. I want that mug. just because. Ok, so i havent been blogging for a long while. Ive had uni (is getting gosh darn hectik - i got 8/aprox250 votes...) but yes. damn you ethnocentric politics! damn yewww... anyway.. its a week to my dads 4 years and someone close to me has lost someone. It makes me think... well.. it makes me feel... a little useless. How am i to help? because i want to. Ive lost my grandfather and my dad and the thing is.. they were both very different experiences. I was 12 or so when i lost my grandpa. I was in class 7, and i got pulled out of school. i remember being told by a classmate that i shouldnt be allowed to wear a black ribbon because "he was my grandfather, he wasnt close to me". the old man would let me help him with his insulin shots. i was, for a short while after, obsessed with the idea of becoming a doctor or scientist. i wanted to cure diabetes. when i lost my dad i was so.. lifeless. my dad was the guy i grew up with, looked up to. i inherited the animal love, the love of cooking, the eyebrows, forehead and fascination with storybooks. dad was always there.. until i moved out of his place and in with my mum. it was getting hard for me to stay there. (however that couldve been some odd childish thought). 11 months after leaving his place, i got the phone call. my ma was in aus, and i had just managed to figure out chicken drumsticks. i was told that my dad was in the hospital that was 15 minutes away by foot, or less. i was told to wait for the car. my dad was gone well before i had been told. the memory hasnt faded.. but ive grown a bit to know that its not something to wail about. sure, there are tears when its brought up.. but.. im sure ive mentioned the boy with the bread who has given me the strength to say hi to my dad without tears. so... as a last couple of words... life ends before we expect it to. doesnt mean that its early. its on time, its just that we dont want it to. we're mortal creatures. let's not waste time on negative thoughs, actions or in a manner of dwelling that only hurts ourselves. live life, love and sleep.

From The Random Cafe On Campus

So… long time no see, blog. I'm sorry, but I guess I can’t help it considering my uni stuff. Well that and trying to do everything else. Sure, I could be bumming around (and I kind of have for one of my compulsory classes – that being the gay computer stuff type one…) and doing next to nothing but I have stuff that I want to do, so I'm trying to do it all… and for once I'm not failing. It’s nice.

Yesterday, I had my favourite day of the week – Tuesday. It’s my favourite because of the whole lovely, wonderful fact that the only class I have that day is first thing in the morning... and it’s only a lecture, not to mention that it’s politics (that means that it’s a snooze lecture because it’s a “sit-listen-and-you-might-just-learn” type of thing). So I had some bumming around time, but more importantly, I got to go into work. I missed doing work so much last year. Sure, I didn’t have much time, but that’s what bothered me. I love writing for programs, I like broadcasting, I may not be too much a fan of TALKING (shudder) to people, but it’s often interesting.

I’ve also being trying to get elected on campus. This mainly means that I need to put up more flyers, talk to more women (shudder) and maybe sit outside where people will be voting this week so as to get the vote. Why am I doing this? When I got to uni, I was looking forward to joining something that I’d be interested in. I get here, find out that I HAVE to pay this particular amount of money, and I’m automatically put in some group according to my ethnicity. HA. Good luck figuring that one out, USP. I’ll save you the trouble – other. I don’t like the label, but I’ve been stuck with it my whole life. It grew from “my what?” to “other” to “half caste” to “Eurasian” to “Scottish-Irish (gypsy)-Indian/Indo-Fijian-Filipino” and finally to “it doesn’t matter”. Ethnicity is a major problem in Fiji. Since its all “touchy-feely-I’ll-poke-you-in-the-eye-if-you-get-it-wrong” I won’t touch it at all.

So, in between this all, I’m sure they may be at least one person (well... I’m hoping there’s one who might follow this part of my ridiculous life) is asking “how’s Wholemeal?” To answer your question he’s fine. He’s been helping me a lot these past few days. We often talk at night, when we’re about to sleep (me at 10 or 11, him at 5 or 6 in the morning... yes, I think 6 is a silly time to sleep). More recently, he’d been making sure that I actually do my ass(hehehe)ignments... I mean assignments. It’s nice to have company to tell you to sit down and write what you need to instead of buggering around, procrastinating and making many cups of tea. So, it’s nice. I usually do the same for him, so it’s only fair that we share the job.

Finally, I’ve been teaching myself shorthand. It’s fun. Sure, I’m cheating and learning a different version of the alphabet instead of learning the phonetic one that my grandmother knows, but yes. I promise a comic later tonight. Cheery bye, interne and see you ‘round!

long text post. i guess.

What do I really want to do with my life? Elections at uni are coming up and im running… again (again as in, I got disqualified, but they deferred elections so now I can re-run). I don’t understand uni. I hate going because I don’t fell… like I belong there. I spend my free time drawing, or playing around online, but today it was mostly drawing. I'm making a book, which has 7 short stories at the moment. They're all picture stories – you know, like for little kids – but for who ever, no ageism needed. It’s the only thing I enjoy. I have assignments due and stuff… but I cant get into them. This happened last week, after I got kicked out of my lecture. I couldn’t make myself care, I just couldn’t. I know I’ll start working seriously tomorrow. I have to.

In other news, dads birthday and “anniversary” is coming up. It’s not going to be a weepy thing this year, I swear to myself. I think I’ll get wholemeal to take me to the cemetery when he gets back (sure, thatll be may-ish.. but it’s something.)… that’s one of the things I love about him. He helps me with things I’d rather not say anything about, because most people would just say something that would make me cry. All he has to do is stand next to me, and I’m too happy to cry. Even when it came to exams last year – my mam would be on my case, and so would he. He did IB and he was always “did you study? Yes? Ok, good let’s skype”. Or something entirely unlike that. Im not too sure.

Ive coloured the stories. Not well, but I did. I'm too tired. Ive had a migraine all day and I just want to lie down. The migraine may be the cause of the “CBF”ness. I don’t know.. anyway, cheerybye… and goodnight internet.

Kicked out of a lecture?

Apparently it's hardcore. So, Ive managed to mess up in my second week at uni. I do want to defend myself. Firstly, the lecturer stated no "ground rules" for her lecture, so I was not sure of basic protocol. Then again, it's uni. And yes, I have the idea that it's adult school, where you're treated like an adult; you either pay attention or dont - if you dont and fail, your fault. Why are we still being babied when half my class are probably from their 20s to their 30s? Secondly, I was giving not a single warning. One second, I was talking to my friend (whispering in fact - the girl sitting next to me didn't even hear) and the next we were told to "get out and not come back" unless the lecturer said we could come back. Lastly, we were talking about something related to the lecture topic. What was the point of paying undivided attention to a woman READING THE TEXTBOOK TO US? Blegh.

It was my mother's first chemo session today. I dont really know what I expected, or how to react. There wasnt really that much to react to. Chemo is basically being put on a drip. So yeah. There were a lot of babies at the hospital today. A lot. I also managed to, for the first time, speak to one of Wholemeal's family members without looking at the floor. Why do i stare at the floor when I usually see one? Well.. Im shy... and I'm scared that they may not like me. So yes. Major step today. I found it hard to concentrate the rest of the day. I wasnt sure how my ma was going to react physical wise. But I got home, and she was fine. A little tired though. So f**k you Hollywood, you had instilled the idea that cancer turns you helpless and sickly. I feel a lot better though, after seeing how awesome my ma has been and how so many other women have just.. grabbed the bull by the horns and have had beef for dinner (bull = cow = beef?).

So that's about it from me. Goodnight and have a great sleep, internet :)

Uni is difficult

well, it's my second week and i'm writing this in my journalism class thing. It's interesting. Im on a break. CONCISE. 8 months.

:D

The curious case of the bread and butter

Now, I dont know if Ive ever mentioned this in my blog, but my relationship with wholemeal started because he brought me food. Not just any food - awesomely awesome cream buns from the hot bread kitchen. And for all you dirty minds out there, they were LITERAL cream buns.

With the delivery of these buns (during my period 6 english class) came a long loaf (plain, uncut white bread) and a wholemeal slice (sliced brown bread). Upon receiving the bag of baked goods, i was asked to sign a receipt, which was handed back to me. It was all a little suss because i didnt pay for anything.

This is the end of the story - but i leave you with the bestest best slogan that hot bread should adopt : "if you like your loaves long, or cream in your buns, hot bread kitchen is number one" (copyright white slice and wholmeal)