not so happy xmas? no thanks, brain.

its coming up to christmas and i need to kinda get out of this mood. christmas to me is decorating the tree the night before, putting all the presents under there and watching children tear at their presents with excitement while babehs roll around in the paper and everything else.

wholemeal has been uber busy of late, with the last bit of exams and life just keeps happening. its scary. i dont want it to, in case i miss something while i watching everything happen.. and i just dont know where everything is going and fingers crossed next year will be better than this one.

hope for better days, and i know the new year will be a disappointment in every way shaoe and form because welcoming 2011 was amazing. it was lame, at mcdonalds, and neither wholemeal nor i knew when it was precisely midnight, but atsome point in between the fries and my cheap coffee, we kissed happy new year and im sure we made alex turner proud :P

this year will be family, so not bad just different, and im going to be two decades old. i know where i quite fit just yet, so im not going to worry about trying to put myself in somewhere that doesnt feel quite right. better alone than in the wrong place.

but now its still 2011, its still december, and theres time to figure everything out. at least try to.

100th!

it's my hundredth post. i'm currently on a regina spektor high. i like her music, because it's all over the place and i really like her voice. is very nice, with the highs. and stuff. so... to admit i've been very emotional lately. i've been riding the sad train, i had my fun on the emotional rollercoaster, i took a spin in the Jaguar that is my emotions. i realised that my ex was the one who gave me regina spektor. i also was sad because i have that wish to hang out with people who probably can't stand me. i've also really been missing my dad. christmas and new year are never the same. life has never really felt right. i have regrets, yes, and i wish that i didn't. then again, it isn't as if i've really said anything out loud, or at least had anyone tell me that it's okay to feel. i got asked after my dad on thursday, by a woman artist who was the first ms hibiscus. i had to tell her that he had passed away. she looked a bit shocked. i was able to say a few words about it without even having to stop to suppress sobs. of course i got home feeling sick, as i haven't been well lately, and that was it. i didn't hide in my room, i didn't write a long, sad poem. i didn't draw something that had no meaning, no sense. i just threw it aside. i ignored it. it can't be healthy can it? i don't really have anyone to consult about this. i can't talk to my mam. i love her too much to pile this stupid stuff on her since she has so much work otherwise. i can't talk to my brother can i? he never talks about dad. i don't really have anyone that i could call to talk about it. i can't talk to my best friend. she'd be too deep about the situation and i don't feel like that's what i want right now. i don't want to be deep. i want to forget just a bit longer, or at least i just want to be told that everything is alright. or at least that nothing can possibly be any worse than it was. i want to just figure this out this year. i want to figure out what i want. yes. all i know i want is that i want to figure out who. who i am, who i want to be and who i need to be in between all that. who? maybe myself. i think that would be nice for a change. but wait! who am i again? i was once told that the best thing about me was my positivity. i think that person had no idea who they were talking to. rather, i don't think that, i know that. so... that whole thing was a bit painful. the funny thing is that this blog is a lot more secret than diaries i've written. diaries are always found though. found, used and burned. but you can't burn the internet. you can never find something you want. you can't use something you think you've found. it's a nice change.

Well christmas is over.

merry christmas!

well, at least for this year. was interesting really. i got a few other things (a candle and diary) yesterday. i had thought that i had gotten them all, because we weren't all out this year really. we didn't have a tree tree. we got some twigs on our way back from the west, but it wasn't the same.
i recently re-read my blog. i noticed that i have many typos in my posts. and quite a few i'm ashamed of. some are really emo. and... that's no good for my image. ah well. i'm too lazy to fix it.
i also have written my new years resolution list. i'm probably not going to post it though. i'm shy.
i wrote a really long list. some are about family, some about relationships, some about friendships, and some about work and school. i will reveal however that one i really hope to achieve is the one i think i wrote last night.
i'm going to try figure out who i am. not just where i want to go, what i what to do in uni, or what kind of guy i like or anything. that deeper me. i plan first to cut my hair really short. i'm keeping the bob though. i plan on shortening the fringe and cutting the sides to about up to my cheekbones. that kind of length. and tonight i plan on dying my hair. i wanted to go purple, but my mam suggested burgundy. i don't know what that is. ah well.
i'm also addicted to erica moen's comics. i've shamefully read a lot of them, and.. well, i've read all of Dar. i love her style. it's... well, simple. and some of her earlier stuff is nice :) ah well.
i saw my 5 year old cousin read out a chapter of scripture from the bible yesterday. he stood on a stool thing with his mother who pointed to the words for him. i was proud to know him, to be related to this little boy. our family have always been early readers. my brother started reading at about the age of 2, me at 3, and this boy around 4. i like that there are still readers. in local schools, if you pick up a book in your spare time, you're a nerd or the equivalent in slang fijian or hindi. i don't know the slang, sadly. i was brought up in a home where all we spoke was english, all the friends i had spoke english, and i was terrified of the chinese kids in my class who spoke fijian better than i did. ah well. i like english. it's my forte. :)

so i leave y'all for the now. but i leave with a few words. one, i hope that any typos will be forgiven (along with incomplete sentences. i do that a lot in essays). two, i hope you don't think less of me for the fact i only know english (i cannot lay claim to french. i cant speak it. i can read it, write it, but not speak. i'm paranoid that i might mispronounce something). three, i hope you laugh at the picture at the bottom. :)

i only wish that i had reflexes like he did.