sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.

Dreams.

The other night I had this very odd dream. It was either uber symbolic, because I have now passed the “tender teen years” trial, successfully becoming 19, and I can now neither call myself a young woman or a lady. Anyway, the dream I had was in a familiar setting, I’d had dreams of these magic pools of water on these caves that appeared in my dreams in the garden at the house I lived in with my dad, stepmother and brothers. I was surrounded by all the “adult” people I knew and I remember saying out loud that I had had friends come over to the magic place when I was much younger and what a sad state the pools were in then.

They were sad, the levels were low, the magic seemed a day away from being dried up, the caves were crumbling, and the older friends in my dream didn’t want to be there. So they left, and it was me, feet in the water, being beckoned by these friends, promised a more mature, better kept location.

I guess I had been tripping again on nutmeg, which has happened only once before and the effect both times were very slight and only affected dreams. On the over hand, it could’ve been a kind of stand by my subconscious saying “grow up, you daft monkey”. The times have changed, I have outgrown the pool and the magic would no longer work for me. I need a different refuge, I need to grow up and I have people there to help me grow. I have friends (yes, I barely see them but I have them... somewhere), I have a significant other and I have my family.

But most importantly, I have me. I have me realizing the need to grow. I have me wanting to grow. That’s the hard part done, right?

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

nearly how long?

Thats so awesome. I want that mug. just because. Ok, so i havent been blogging for a long while. Ive had uni (is getting gosh darn hectik - i got 8/aprox250 votes...) but yes. damn you ethnocentric politics! damn yewww... anyway.. its a week to my dads 4 years and someone close to me has lost someone. It makes me think... well.. it makes me feel... a little useless. How am i to help? because i want to. Ive lost my grandfather and my dad and the thing is.. they were both very different experiences. I was 12 or so when i lost my grandpa. I was in class 7, and i got pulled out of school. i remember being told by a classmate that i shouldnt be allowed to wear a black ribbon because "he was my grandfather, he wasnt close to me". the old man would let me help him with his insulin shots. i was, for a short while after, obsessed with the idea of becoming a doctor or scientist. i wanted to cure diabetes. when i lost my dad i was so.. lifeless. my dad was the guy i grew up with, looked up to. i inherited the animal love, the love of cooking, the eyebrows, forehead and fascination with storybooks. dad was always there.. until i moved out of his place and in with my mum. it was getting hard for me to stay there. (however that couldve been some odd childish thought). 11 months after leaving his place, i got the phone call. my ma was in aus, and i had just managed to figure out chicken drumsticks. i was told that my dad was in the hospital that was 15 minutes away by foot, or less. i was told to wait for the car. my dad was gone well before i had been told. the memory hasnt faded.. but ive grown a bit to know that its not something to wail about. sure, there are tears when its brought up.. but.. im sure ive mentioned the boy with the bread who has given me the strength to say hi to my dad without tears. so... as a last couple of words... life ends before we expect it to. doesnt mean that its early. its on time, its just that we dont want it to. we're mortal creatures. let's not waste time on negative thoughs, actions or in a manner of dwelling that only hurts ourselves. live life, love and sleep.

growing up pains

"freedom comes slowly at first" - Brian Keenan, An Evil Cradling. I probably mentioned earlier how grateful i am to my mother and the freedom she had allowed while wholemeal is here. I use "had" because... well.. the was a thing that happened (seriously not serious at all) and a communication fallout, as i do because im terrible at things. i recently got my IB results and got a 31 (out of 45), which i do feel proud of. sure, it's not uber impressive, but i managed that and did a whole bunch of other stuff too. It was also a seriously important two years for me. I stopped with the smoking, i had to question what i wanted, i dealt with a whole bunch of my own silly personal issues, and while keeping with the NGO work, I met wholemeal. The funny thing about my school results were that they improved in the forth and final semester, after i met him. but there are a few things that i had to realise and accept to actually "grow up".

I used to lie half in and half out of reality. I loved daydreaming, which would usually be the way i would develop the core stories for my silly comic story-lines. I would learn from TV and movies, and always figured that things would work out like they do in movies and books and things. This is not true. In movies, there may be young love and all sorts of things, but theres hardly any mention of family troubles or involvement or responsibilities or anything like that. I never understood what it would mean to manage a home until i moved in with my ma. sure, people would take about getting a job then moving in with their friends, but what about the family youre moving away from? would the new job be enough to cover rent, let alone be enough for bills and groceries and money for outings and stuff, not to mention put aside as savings. it makes my brain hurt.

sometimes i can be selfish and just want to leave home to get away from it all. to hide with wholemeal. the thing is, he wouldnt really let me. i wouldnt let me do something like that. my family is important to me. how they feel and what they do is something important to me. sure, i worry that i'd let them down. i worry that how i do in school will disappoint them. i worry that i wont do well enough with gen next or at the y. i worry that im not doing enough for them. i do know that how i feel about im doing ultimately should be the final thing (im a little lost for words), but.. how they feel contributes to it all. i do feel like im rambling on a little, and im probably not making too much sense right now.. but i think all i want to say.. not really admit, but something between the two, is that im at that stage in my life (haha dont i sound like a drama queen..) where all i want to do it throw myself off the cliff rather than scale down it carefully, with my harness securely fastened. "freedom comes slowly". one must never forget. there is a time for everything. patience is the skill and seizing the opportunity is something one should never regret.

so.

A blog isnt really what i want to write, is it? I mean, I worry sometimes. I dont know what exactly is and is not appropriate. I wonder why I put things out there if next to no one reads it.. but if you do, i am eternally grateful. I wonder if what i write is interesting, pointless or just plain negh (negh meaning that it isnt interesting in any way shape or form).

Why Im worrying about this, although worrying isnt the proper word i suppose, is because Im thinking about what i put on this blog and what i tell most people. The way to hide some things best is to put it in plain sight. So, when there isnt anyone physically around that i can feel like i can talk to, i write things down or put them on my blog. I do feel like its.. less than healthy, i guess, to bottle things up, so writing is one way to get some things out of my head. I know I have people to talk to, my friends, family and wholemeal.. but.. you see.. there are some things i dont want to say out loud. Most of those things are put on paper rather than on the blog.

I know, I know, another one of those odd, odd blog posts. But.. I guess its a general explanation for the oddity that is my blog. Well, more of an apology. /shrug.

Thisll be all text.. apart from Ganesh.

So Im feeling... very tired. There are several factors affecting this. The first is the uber lame one : i got my period today. Im sorry, internet, but i dont really give a fuck who knows. I guess all i really want to do is stick my head in my toilet and wait out the nausea, sleep all the day and not move until the cramps go away. But instead, i have to get up, exercise off all the uber fatness (ok, its not too bad, but im nearing the 65 kg mark and i really need to lose some of it...i am kinda tiny in general) and deal with life.

Another thing making feel really crappy is the people at school. They didnt do anything wrong, but i just feel kinda.. different. dont want to spend $6 to get there and go back home again to discuss stuff i dont really give a shit about right now, and i can barely afford anything. Im sick of that place. I want to leave it. It's mostly rich kids who more or less dont give a damn about their families (a lot i know do, though) and most of them probably dont know how to look after goldfish on their own let alone themselves... again, i feel half bad about these generalisations but.. Im sick of petty, sick of superficial, sick of drama-llamas and sick to death of beautiful people who arent really sure about the real world, the world out of that box. Im sure theyll do great though, they have good board to dive off into, and theyll probably have all the support they need.. but... these past two years have killed the idea of the easy life. There's no such thing. You have to give up your soul, time, dreams to have something close to easy; to be financially stable.

Im also feeling a little pressured at work. Ive been out of the groove for a long long time, and thats because of school, but my spark is gone. i dont know what to do, I dont feel like i should know what im doing. i feel like im back at square 1, where i dont ask anything and i just do what im told. I dont know, i'll ride it out and see what happens in the next few days.

And... my family. I love them, but.. this thing with ma, my head hurts from learning what the doctors mean when they say things, what operations are what, what treatments do what and everything.. and.. well.. my dad scars are hurting again. When i found out about the cancer, i wanted to get angry. I wanted to scream at the universe and curse it for threatening to take the parent i have left away. I was also terrified of losing ma, because i dont want her not to be there for all the important parts of my life; any children, a marriage, a home of my own, a good job, graduation, etc etc.. because thats what i hurt most about when it comes to dad, next to my guilt of not being there for him. Also.. things were said about dads condition before he died, and i felt horrible and hurt because i was never told anything about it. All i know was that it was his heart. Thats it. Internet, have you evr seen your loved one, cold and gone, on a hospital bed? Youd look at them, and know for a fact that its not them. The life is gone. Its just a shell. Its the point at which everything starts to fall apart.

So im sorry about the downer post. I need to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere so i dont explode. Wholemeal is out, and i dont feel like killing the buzz. Oh well.. hehe.. im going to put a happy pic to kill the sads. Well.. its ganesh. Whos awesome. I have it as my wallpaper and i also have a tiny little statue thing of him. myes :)

p.s. sorry for any typos or missing words, im a little tired...

HolySmokes Thursday

So this has been happening to me a lot.. the missing that is. However a little more than a month and then he'll be back for me to drag around places that no one else will go with me, to keep me company in cabs and to shake his head when i order my 3rd coffee of the day. So yeah, Exams start, for me, on thursday afternoon with the worlds awesomest subject, imo, mathematics. Ive had an awesome teacher, and ive always loved the logic and the certainty of it all... lame? maybe but i really couldnt care less :)

So.. i had a really dark moment yesterday.. I crashed, burned, sent the worlds most emo email ever to Wholemeal, cried and was ever so close to facewalling, but then i fell asleep. the cause? its all me really. I tend to put myself down when im.. idk.. let down isnt the word, but i gues swhen things dont sort out the way theyre supposed to. the wont bore you with the details, im just going to share what i learnt from that experience.

The greatest critic in our lives are ourselves. Unless we believe it when people put us down, it wont affect us. and to put ourselves down is the worst thing that can ever happen. I know im not exactly the worlds greatest person, but im an ok chick. there wasnt anyone else to tell me to calm down but him.. its odd in a way that hes the only one id believe. my family are biased.. but honestly to have someone, who cares when he doesnt have to, who points out the best things about you, and he worst things he'll tell you arent really bad or he tries to help you overcome those things. its nice, better than anything i could ever hope for or ask for.. and i know that thats why i dont care about the distance. :)

alrighty then. Serious panicking is over, the locking down and nailing self to desk to study has started. i have 3 weeks before im done with high school. Im so excited, but i have been warned that at the end of it all, its anti-climatic... english teachers really know how to make your day, dont they? :P Im being silly.. and to clear things up, it was my english teacher that told me that the end was going to be anitclimatic. she told her whole class (around 10 people). i guess its her way of caring :P alrighty, see ya round internets :)

Sans pictures today.

Hey there. I'm okay, thanks for asking. I have impending exams and as a result I don’t have energy or time to do anything that has nothing to do with school. This blog has nothing much to do with school. In fact, it’s possible that the amount that I update could be inversely proportional to how well I’ll do in my mocks. Technically, my mocks are uber important, and I really need to make sure I do well.

Something is bothering me at the moment. I drew a Fifi in the common room today above the words “I win”. I went to the back room, where it was, and looked up to find it and found that it had been rubbed out by the guys who have claimed the back room as theirs. It kind of hurt my feelings that they’d do retarded things like thumbtack a banana peel to the wall, and put up some retarded writing (horrible content, horrendously misspelled things, etc) and people leave it there because it’s supposed to be a shared space, we even allowed people to put up a bajillion (more like seven or eight) somewhat annoying pictures of (mostly) random chicks in their undies. I guess it’s my fault for not making it permanent and allowing it to be removed, or whatever, but… if it was such an eyesore, I’d like to be notified that my Fifi was getting removed, rather than just seeing the space empty with no suggestion apart from a blue smudge that something had been there.

On a lighter note, I found Africa. I gave it to Wholemeal who had not favorably responded to the loss of “his” country. I have it now, hanging around my neck to make myself miss him a little less. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s a good idea, ya?

So I guess I better get back to my school work, and I’m sure that whoever is reading this is probably like “wha-?” because I’m not sure if anything will really make sense.. I’m just kind of missing my Fifi and Wholemeal. But now I need to get ready for an English assessment thing. Woot(!)

Je suis un peu triste... mais pas beaucoup.

Hey there. I'm warning you, this is going to be a little emo. I'm sorry but the thing is… I’ve been having a terrible week. It’s all lies, lies, lies and more lies, everywhere. Sure, I'm being a relative douche to my family and I hate myself for that. I hate how I'm disappointing everyone. I especially hate how I always manage to make my mother unhappy. I'm scared of her, and I'm terrified that I'm going to grow up and she and the rest of my family won’t want to have anything to do with me. I try to make them happy, I try at school but I'm stuck with a B grade, and I can’t do any better… I hate even thinking about University because all I want to do is Art school, but I know it’s not practical enough. I can’t bring it up because I feel bad even thinking about the money it takes to put up a portfolio space thing… I can’t ask that of her. I love my mother and I try to do anything that I can to keep her happy, but from time to time I just want a little space, and I know I probably am too young or have too much to do to have any space of me time. I'm really not reacting well to the new school week. I have to say though, friends like Salmon, Milkshake and especially Chocolate Milk and Wholemeal are making it easier to get through the days. That and occasional knocking out in the afternoon. If there’s one thing I hate about sleep… well, it’s a tie between the icky taste in my mouth when I wake up and the nightmares. I’ve been having them a lot lately. I don’t think it’s something to worry about. I probably have to just stop eating just before sleep.

In other news, Persepolis is an amazingly awesome movie. Well, the books are good, but the film adaptation is just as good. I cried a little, especially when her uncle Anoush gets executed. I also cried right at the end, when I found out that Marjane Satrapi’s grandmother died. I didn’t know… and she seems so close to her grandmother, not to mention that her grandmother seems to have been an awesome person. It also helped with my French a bit, seeing as it’s in French. I didn’t always have to read the subtitles… Okay… time to get some work done.

So Im feeling little...

Well, not hot i guess would sum it all up. I have friends, girlfriends specifically, who have bodies that make me want to die in the corner. I feel bad because.. well... I feel bad because I hate the way I look and I sometimes feel bad standing next to wholemeal because of how I look. Sure, Im a bit insecure today. It happens. Its definitely not good when it happens, but it happens nevertheless. You know what started it off today? Jessica Rabbit. I bet any guy would want to take her out to dinner. Heck damn, I would just in the vain hope that some of her appeal would rub off (preferably not literally, seeing as I dont swing that way..).

Sure sure, Im uber acknowledging the shallowness of the world in general today. I also know that I wouldnt want to be with someone just because of the attractiveness of either party... But.. my insecurities have crept up and I feel somewhat undeserving of all my recent happiness. I mean, sure, if i made the effort to exercise more often than once in a blue moon, Id be a bit less... negh.. but.. I dont have time to. I dont have the energy. I cant find anything that I enjoy. Im not a big fan of sport in general, so.. I find it hard to get interested in physical activity type things... ah well. Im going back to the couch, to eat chocolate and stick my nose in a book while i feel sorry for myself a bit. Im sure Ill cheer up soon and will draw tomorrow.. Im sure.

I am tired. Hey look, it's me! I have a netbook with one of them funny little inbuilt webcams, so decided to write something and use the webcam to make a lil picture :)

maybe i'll do this everytime i make a post from the netbook.. so im going to die because i cant do the assignments that are due tomorrow. i cant concentrate and the computers i have dont work properly. is gay in the face. i bought myself some shoes today to make myself feel better.

i only ended up getting creeped out by the sales guy and ended up being $40 poorer.

Im a little sick.

And i dont know why. Ive been a little sick all week, and it got worse today. i went to work, but fel too sick to do much apart from try to coach the new girl. i reeled off what did what and managed a friendly (well.. it was what i was going for) smile and then fell into a cab to die on my couch. is kinda lame. had one of those really open discussions on and offline last night. well.. they were two separate ones. i felt really sad afterwards. lifes a bitch, dont cha know?

I mentioned the haircut i did myself...

So to the left is a kwootish lil sketch.
scissors are freaking hard to draw.
/shrug.
i just had a really bad past 20 minutes.
i uhm.. boiled over.
not with anger per se.
just... emotion is general.
i need a hug.. :(

I have little to say.

I havent done the homework that was due yesterday.
The weather is bad.
I miss my mam and dad.
Theres a curfew of some kind.
My dog still make strange noises in his sleep.
I have no life.

i can never get good news

so, my mam is stuck in america due to "storm warning thingies". and i had quite a bit of the fun last night and after some retarded texting, i found out i have walls. walls? yes. walls. so, i forced myself into a cab so i could cry at home but then just ended up knocking out... 1am is late for me. then yes, i find out my mothers flight is delayed, and now she wont get back until tuesday or wednesday! so, sad story short, i resolve this issue with a dose of You've Got Mail and Inglorious Basterds. and some tea and cookies. cuz sugar makes eeeverything betterer.

i has a teeny bit of the sads.

therefore, i have no damn energy to do a comic. also... i had a really bad day. i couldnt find my atm card this morning, i felt sick all day, i had to deal with the retards of my school, then lunch made everything so much worse.
im a bit unstable at the moment because im really missing my mam, and when a friend of mine was upset, i went to see if she was ok, then i found her with her dad and i felt so sad. i really miss my dad. so feeling sad after that, i got asked where my friend was and i said with her dad, and one retard was like "wtf m8??" and i stupidly said what i was feeling. well, that is "at least she has one" and the retard wasnt aware of certain things pertaining to myself.. so... i cried at school. yes. im weak. i hate it when i feel like this. i just cant stop crying now.
ah well. im sure ill feel better soon. maybe. so ill just feel sad while listening to sad music and feel better later. when i forget again.

no paper..

no i dont... and i cant make a proper comic im comfy with without paper. yes. im lying. im too lazy to do a comic. because im retarded and i love to go back on my word. the again its easy because no one bothers with this blog. yay me!

I'll try not to make a sad..

despite the fact that i was a bit teary today. my ma has lots of work and ye... i'll miss her. and just to add that im a poofta and i cry a lot anyway. so i'm trying to do homework. it's not going so well. i don't like it when the only thing that makes sense to me doesnt and when the easiest subject isnt so easy as i lost interest a bit. i mean, art was fun when it was drawing and stuff and writing about it in a book but now is difficult. so much work.. and yea.

my brother was reading my blog and all the emo posts and was like "you should go on a date" because apparently it'll make me feel better. i dont think so. i think might make me poorer, rather than happier. /shrug. im pessimist so yeah. and... thats all folks. im okay. im sure i'll be okay.

im just tired.

im not in a good mood

no surprise there really. i mean, i have a lot of dark days, but today just... idk. i gave up physical violence for lent, and well... its okay. except i keep forgetting and really want to hit annoying people when they are annoying. but, i swear, i will break lent if people keep pushing me. im sure jesus will forgive me. or sometthing. i dont know.
my mam is getting to me. i love her, but i might give up my feminist quest and just get married, cook, clean and make tea for some else who wont get up to turn on a fan or get a glass of water. okay... that sounds really bitchy. for the record, my mam is really tired, and i know that..but... /sigh. school is also stupid.