A massively productive day.

I did recordingerings!

Find my music here!

Also, if you want to watch me sing:

and here:

and lastly:

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

so.

yes, it's time for your regularly scheduled procrastination.

It's me. Obviously. Anyway, don't feel like creatively writing at the moment. I will in a while. Just a few life-updates.

Haven't put a number to it, but feeling highly blegh. As in, "damn-girl-you-re-getting-a-little-round-in-them-places". As in weight gain. Im totally feeling it. And Ive just dropped a paperclip in my cup of cold home-made cappuccino. That was odd.

Also, have been listening to "Fire Coming Out Of A Monkey's Head". I got the album, all CD and the like, a few years ago. It makes doing dishes awesome. I highly recommend.

Anyway, I better go do something else now. Ciao :)

Mister Sandman.. bring me a dream...

So, Just so everyone knows, I still have that evil headache. Thats three days in a row now. Maybe is because Im s**t-scared of getting my semester report. I know Im not getting any A's. As a result of this headache, Ive avoided bright colours today. Also, my paint brushes have gone walkabout. My grandmother is staying over and she decided to put them somewhere. She too has gone walkabout so I have no idea where my brushes are. I apologise for not updating last night, but I was unconscious. I fell asleep at school, so missed the 4pm bus (however, this was also due to a major case of CBF a cause de the tiredness). This resulted in me watching the music part of the major CAS project and feeling very lazy indeed. I was perked up by some chili chicken chow mein, at around 6, and I apologise to my family for being late and not calling. My brain had been off. I also fell asleep in the taxi and gladly was accompanied so I didnt sleep past my stop. I also had to check some movie plans.. but my call was missed. So was woken up later by a call back and I think I might be better on the phone when Im half awake. To be honest, Im horrible on the phone. Im not used to calls, and I think theyre a horrible way to communicate. You cant see the callers/talkers face. Is so impersonal...

So R is about how much I hate the idea that the world is either black or white (im not being colourist , nor racist, Im just saying...). Im crazy, but i love to just curl up and read sometimes. The S is me trying to put forth an idea, but failing because of the throbbing in my head. Sorry bout that.. Anyway, I highly recommend Pomplamoose. I love the song Mr Sandman... I guess its mostly because Im in love with the Endless, Dream in particular, but its a good song in general. Very chill. I also like the singers voice. Is very noice. Hehe... And on the topic of the lols, I think everyone should see this. Its that guy! And hes punching people! And there are zombies! Is very silly and good for the lols. And thanks to my mother of a headache, I give you fact 3! I think it might be obvious, if you follow me (like my awesome reader Skippy :D ) or have been for a while, or if you actually know me (like Milkshake and Salmon and the lot...to whom Im sure have tallied up the most views of my blog..). I learnt about the migraines when I was around 8. The family doctor was very sympathetic, and I had to depend on my favourite pill, Nurofen. I live in the constant fear that Nurofen turns out to be a placebo.
Id be so sad. Sure, there are many things that trigger a migraine, for me is mostly my freak outs on the inside as well as dehydration or just that whole uber heat thing. My hair is no help for the latter, being the huge heavy lump of a thing it is. Im going to stop feeling ill and just go and find something like painkillers. Ive lain around enough today. No more uber sleeps. Im sure Ill be back to the regular posting :)

100th!

it's my hundredth post. i'm currently on a regina spektor high. i like her music, because it's all over the place and i really like her voice. is very nice, with the highs. and stuff. so... to admit i've been very emotional lately. i've been riding the sad train, i had my fun on the emotional rollercoaster, i took a spin in the Jaguar that is my emotions. i realised that my ex was the one who gave me regina spektor. i also was sad because i have that wish to hang out with people who probably can't stand me. i've also really been missing my dad. christmas and new year are never the same. life has never really felt right. i have regrets, yes, and i wish that i didn't. then again, it isn't as if i've really said anything out loud, or at least had anyone tell me that it's okay to feel. i got asked after my dad on thursday, by a woman artist who was the first ms hibiscus. i had to tell her that he had passed away. she looked a bit shocked. i was able to say a few words about it without even having to stop to suppress sobs. of course i got home feeling sick, as i haven't been well lately, and that was it. i didn't hide in my room, i didn't write a long, sad poem. i didn't draw something that had no meaning, no sense. i just threw it aside. i ignored it. it can't be healthy can it? i don't really have anyone to consult about this. i can't talk to my mam. i love her too much to pile this stupid stuff on her since she has so much work otherwise. i can't talk to my brother can i? he never talks about dad. i don't really have anyone that i could call to talk about it. i can't talk to my best friend. she'd be too deep about the situation and i don't feel like that's what i want right now. i don't want to be deep. i want to forget just a bit longer, or at least i just want to be told that everything is alright. or at least that nothing can possibly be any worse than it was. i want to just figure this out this year. i want to figure out what i want. yes. all i know i want is that i want to figure out who. who i am, who i want to be and who i need to be in between all that. who? maybe myself. i think that would be nice for a change. but wait! who am i again? i was once told that the best thing about me was my positivity. i think that person had no idea who they were talking to. rather, i don't think that, i know that. so... that whole thing was a bit painful. the funny thing is that this blog is a lot more secret than diaries i've written. diaries are always found though. found, used and burned. but you can't burn the internet. you can never find something you want. you can't use something you think you've found. it's a nice change.

Yes, i cried

i love dethklok. it is almost sad :D

i was watching across the universe and i cried when the little boy died. and i loved that movie. i sung along to some of the songs.
although my brother was a bit weird. he was all, "this isnt going to be your new rent is it?" (Rent referring to the musical where "everyone has AIDS"). i love rent. i've watched the dvd at least 6 times, one with commentary, because i do that.
im the kind of person who watches things until they die. i know almost all the words in season one of friends, specifically episodes 9-12. that's because i've seen them at least 5 times each. yes. i am sad. and i kind of did the same this to the metalocalypse episodes. i love that show.
So im just posting some random pictures.. one of an album cover, i think, is very metal :P and another of a dancing monkey. cuz dancing monkies are brutal.

doesn't it look like he's doing the tango?
Antonio Banderas cat come nowhere :D

Saturday!

He is Mraz. I liek his sounds

So, im tired. it's very warm here at the moment. It isnt even that nice warm weather. its that sticky humid kind of weather that makes me want to sit in the freezer. sadly this is not an option as i have a very little fridge and an even smaller freezer.
I was planning on playing with my dog this afternoon. after this bonding session i also plan to give the dog a bath. i dont want to go outside because that means that i will have to play with the dog. then i will have to give him a bath. i hate giving him baths because he cries when he gets wet.
last week i gave him a bath. i was sick of holding him down near teh tap outside so i decided to get him clean in the sink in the laundry. i put him in the sick and he whined and tried to jump out. The thing i will never understand about dogs and baths is why they complain and whine up until the shampooing starts. if they know that the good part of the bath is going to happen eventually why do they still make the sad little noises? whats up with that? it drives me crazy personally.
so my friend went to china today apparently. well, friend in a loose sense. i prefer to use the word proper, and i havent figured out what this person is. he was being a little... blah earlier in the week. sure he said some stuff and i broke down a little (im a teeny bit of a drama queen really), but later on i acted like a complete douche and i feel bad now because i dont think i said sorry for the stuff i did. /shrug
So to feel better i will turn on some jason mraz and then go outside to bond with the dog. i guess it'll do senor attention-sseker good. uhm. senor attention-seeker refering to the dog. his name in Max. or maximus prime. or maximillion. or the maxinator. or dog. or silly thingy. uhm. i'll go outside now. but just a bit of explaining. above is jason mraz. obviously. i think thats a cd cover. i saw this at a friends house once. i laughed. people dont buy cds anymore. below is richard. he is a warlock from a comic i like very much. i want the richard plushie and USB drive because i am sadly obsessed. he is the reason that i rolled a warlock in WoW. sadly, i am a useless person who never plays the warlocks i roll. but isnt he kwoot?? look at that evil little warlock! okay. now i'll go outside

he is adorable. look at his cute evilness

Only a -

So, Tim Minchin is cool.
So i drew someone with ginger hair.
refer to the song... prejudiced i think.
Is very funny.
:)

I has found...

the epicest website.

yes

epic-est.

mostly tee shirt designs.

well... just tee shirts.

that i cant buy.

but are freaking funny.

http://www.bustedtees.com/

and then theres always the funnier one.

as seen above.

ive been killing braincells listening to Nightmare Revisited.

that and being uber aimless.

and having free ice cream on wednesday.

ah yeah.

the end??