Why there should be way more research around lady things.

Theres something terrifying about knowing that things will change.

The other week, i got told that too much progesterone is throwing off my general "me-ness" and whatnot. i went in for nausea and came out knowing that I had to change so much to deal with what was making me miss so much.

nausea sucks dick for money. i hate it. i had accepted it, gone "oh yeah, thats just how my body reacts to everything". turns out theres something to do with salt and other stuff so the first thing to be cut back is my consumption of the amazing dirty chinese food.

to my knowledge, im the only one that uses the term with the prefix dirty. overseas, chinese food is weird. its clean. theres so little msg, so much random other crap. its not the chinese that im used to. not fiji chinese food.

so. thats gone and cut back to whenever. and because of cutting back my brain frizzes out. all of last week i was angry. angry at everything. i guess the hormones are like "hmm... shes changing her game... mess with her mind! bwahaha". and when i wasnt angry i was flipping between sad and amazingly high on life.

it was terrible.

yeah, sure, possible manic depression there with my brain all over the place. and what do i do? i call people. talk about everything else. distract myself from the fact that im getting upset or angry or sad about something that i know doesnt make sense but bothers me all the same.

its tiring.
i dont want to have to go through with this anymore.

so, what do i do? look it up. exercise apparently. eating better. the latter is never a problem, food is totes my thing. but the exercise... negh.

its still adjusting, im still adjusting. its barely been two weeks of trying to eat right, make sure i doan sit all day, etc etc. i just hope this is worth it.

stupid science.

beware the venting and general downness

I ask myself what do i want to do in my lifetime a lot.

maybe too much. and this often is accompanied by "and who with?"

Now at the more or less end of something that had made me so damn happy i wonder where i go to from here. its not fairytale ending, and i guess ive never wanted one of those. im a pessimist masquerading as a realist and i  used to be content with the idea that id eventually get married to someone bland, have a kid or two, end up divorced and career oriented and maybe only see my kids on weekends.

is that still what i expect? of course not. i resolve to be exceptional. i guess one day i want to wake up next to someone who i'd be in awe of but still manage to get through all the banal, everyday things and not letting it all get to me. who with? god knows. when? same answer here too. but ive decided to settle for nothing less than happiness, with someone who'd consider me an exception to all the bullshit in the world and vieversa. that then transcending all the obstacles and people just getting on in a content manner.

in short? i plan not to bother with this or that and not necessarily wait for something perfect but not completely ignoring the possibility, which was my initial plan i guess. why tell the world? because maybe people need to feel the same. why be in something that makes you unhappy? why drag something around like a dead thing because that smell doesnt go away all too soon.

i was talking to a friend and she asked me "why are guys so complicated?". she and i are similar in teh sense that we know what we want and we say it without hesitation in appropriate circumstances. we are happy with simple things and feel that articulation is important unless your aim is to be disappointed with all the output that you get.

so people are complicated i guess. its just a matter of understanding them and knowing how they are. the complication is often not in the aspects of the personality but the revelation and learning of such aspects.

that is to say sometimes people are only themselves on their own or among few people, so how are we to understand them if we arent there to educate our general understanding? and so on and so forth.

so basically i might be getting closer to getting rid of my general artists block. its very painful when you want your hands to do things but they fail everytime. it used to be an outlet, a refuse by now its just... inaccessible.

on a lighter note, it seems that a lot of pictures of me when i was young were topless. i dont understand that. maybe thats why so many people thought i was a boy. it mightve also been my short hair. and handmedown clothes from my brother. and me being generally dirty.

sometimes im an asshole.

sometimes i feel like such an asshole.

im so angry at everything because it just seems to be in the way of what i want, what i really really want, my impractical hopes and dreams (which involve living with Wholemeal forever and ever and just creating books and art and drawing and living and breathing art). then i look again and i dont know what it is.

im studying at uni. i live with my family. im a volunteer at an ngo. i like all these things. but im trying to save money, trying to find a way to at least visit wholemeal and im stuck with a measly sum after a couple of months because i have to pay for materials for the commissions that i obviously wont get anymore because ive run out of friends who'd pay for them. and im too all over the place to try to do anything else. im too stupid to do one thing at a time, or at least a few things that pack up nicely.

Long post is long.. but it has to come out.

I wonder why… well … that doesn’t sound too good so let’s start again.

I was thinking, which is never good, about what it’s like to be “different”. What are we supposed to do? Do we play along because, thanks to the miracle of trial and error, we know that bad stuff happens when we act the way we feel.

Where is this going? Well… I’m a bit… I don’t know. Lonely isn’t the word, because I know a lot of people, thanks to my inability to stay with one group of people or change the same way they do. Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, tired… none of these words fit.

To be less-than-specific, I’m finding it hard to be me. People think I’m odd because I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of listening to what people did last night or last weekend or what happened in the clubs. It’s not like I’m not allowed to go. Call me cheap, but I’d rather stay at home, in comfortable clothes, not in a bad smelling room being forced to hear bad music. I don’t like dancing. I often am not in the mood to drink. I don’t want to spend $3 for a cab, more or less for there and back. I want to be at home. I want to rest after a long day. I want to listen to the music I like and read something or just relax at home. I like doing this. Apparently, this is unnatural and unhealthy.

I also am told that I have an odd relationship. I can’t explain why it isn’t odd for me. It’s all just... feelings. I like having someone I can talk to. I love him… I just... really hate the distance part. This distance brings about “odd behavior” which is used to cope with the distance; staying up late to chat, maybe leaving skype on so that if one of us can’t sleep, we at least have the other to talk to or something. This is bandwidth consuming and does bother a certain number in my household. Is also “keeps me up”… apparently. However, if I don’t have him there, for most of the time, anyway, I cant sleep properly. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, alone and in the dark, the nightmares chasing and… no one. I can’t turn to anyone else because no one else will care. No one else does care. I’m not complaining; I’m stating facts.

I don’t have enough of that stuff… I cant remember the word… but that motivation stuff that makes you do stuff. I don’t want to get up and find a “decent job”. I have full time uni. I volunteer. Sure I also get money from my family. I’m not doing too bad. I don’t feel compelled to throw myself off the edge and say “I'm GOING TO GET A PROPER JOB, DO UNI, SORT OUT HOME STUFF EVERY OTHER DAY, MAKE A FEW BEST FRIENDS AND GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS BEFORE MY 19^TH BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY”. I’m not 19 yet. Not for a few weeks. Well… less than 2 weeks. Being an adult though doesn’t mean that I have to rush with anything. There are people who do less than I do and there are people who do more. Everyone has the own threshold, a line that, if passed, they will fail to do anything and just crumple up and fade away. I want to do things properly. I want to take time out to do the things I want to do. I have time to grow up, to learn “what my calling is”, to find a job and move out. Fuck, I’m still a first year uni student.

I make my decisions. Others make decisions with me. Some make decisions for me. Yes, I have to be considerate of others, but am I not allowed to be myself, even if it means being weird?

I am, right?

Fifi hath return-ed...-th.

So hey, how is everyone? Oh, me? Im just nauseous. Don't worry, though - study break is really recovery so i don't fall out of exam seats with cramps and all. My airshift this week productive (as you can see in the blog post aujourd'hui.). I think i need a new marker because i made like.. 6 of these. There are these 2, 2 secret ones (BWWAHAHAHAHA) and 2 lame ones. Yes. These arent the lame ones :O

anyway, stay frosty while i bum around in my pirate getups :D

ciao :)

13!

so. interesting week has gotten a little more.. interesting. lady problems crashing the party, bringing nausea, discomfort and cramps to the party of life. oh the number? thats how many days ive spent in a hotel so far. i am the winnarrrrr...

so yes. have picture. i am going to lie down. :D

bye. :)

apologies for the last post..

So the first image is of the little ganesh my ma got us, well.. got given in argentina. the idea of ganesh as remover of obstacles comforts me. Ive never been much for praying, so its not as if im praying to a statue or to Ganesh, but i do believe in ideas. Theyre the strongest force out there and they always comfort me. Its like all those sad books about people surviving horrible things. This thing that comforts me is knowing that if that person could survive something that what they did, that i should be fine. We as humankind should be fine.

We brought my art pieces home yesterday. The picture is of my favourite panel off my last piece. It was a board with panels sortve like a really big comic. The panel is meant to be a young me thinking "I wasnt sure what a family was supposed to be". the piece as a whole was dedicated to my dad. I guess i used as a way to deal with some of the stupid thoughts i get. I think it helped :)

And finally, a little bit more of Ganesh. I drew him, with the help of google images and a little bit of aimlessness with the colouring. its not perfect, i kept the pencil on the paper and i inked it loosely and lined it all with a thin marker just as loose. I needed to keep my hands busy and felt like trying to draw ganesh. so i did. Note the lack of emoness in the post. its mostly because im in pain and need to crawl into a comfy position with a hot warm bottle and read something. cheery bye internets! :D

happy jake *cough*cough*

yay for the evolution of the sad keanu, its happy jake! im sick. ive been in bed/sleeping all day so my head is a little fuzzy.. missing wholemeal. also missing all my school gang. why? cuz i can. well... i have to go make food now. /shrug

Mister Sandman.. bring me a dream...

So, Just so everyone knows, I still have that evil headache. Thats three days in a row now. Maybe is because Im s**t-scared of getting my semester report. I know Im not getting any A's. As a result of this headache, Ive avoided bright colours today. Also, my paint brushes have gone walkabout. My grandmother is staying over and she decided to put them somewhere. She too has gone walkabout so I have no idea where my brushes are. I apologise for not updating last night, but I was unconscious. I fell asleep at school, so missed the 4pm bus (however, this was also due to a major case of CBF a cause de the tiredness). This resulted in me watching the music part of the major CAS project and feeling very lazy indeed. I was perked up by some chili chicken chow mein, at around 6, and I apologise to my family for being late and not calling. My brain had been off. I also fell asleep in the taxi and gladly was accompanied so I didnt sleep past my stop. I also had to check some movie plans.. but my call was missed. So was woken up later by a call back and I think I might be better on the phone when Im half awake. To be honest, Im horrible on the phone. Im not used to calls, and I think theyre a horrible way to communicate. You cant see the callers/talkers face. Is so impersonal...

So R is about how much I hate the idea that the world is either black or white (im not being colourist , nor racist, Im just saying...). Im crazy, but i love to just curl up and read sometimes. The S is me trying to put forth an idea, but failing because of the throbbing in my head. Sorry bout that.. Anyway, I highly recommend Pomplamoose. I love the song Mr Sandman... I guess its mostly because Im in love with the Endless, Dream in particular, but its a good song in general. Very chill. I also like the singers voice. Is very noice. Hehe... And on the topic of the lols, I think everyone should see this. Its that guy! And hes punching people! And there are zombies! Is very silly and good for the lols. And thanks to my mother of a headache, I give you fact 3! I think it might be obvious, if you follow me (like my awesome reader Skippy :D ) or have been for a while, or if you actually know me (like Milkshake and Salmon and the lot...to whom Im sure have tallied up the most views of my blog..). I learnt about the migraines when I was around 8. The family doctor was very sympathetic, and I had to depend on my favourite pill, Nurofen. I live in the constant fear that Nurofen turns out to be a placebo.
Id be so sad. Sure, there are many things that trigger a migraine, for me is mostly my freak outs on the inside as well as dehydration or just that whole uber heat thing. My hair is no help for the latter, being the huge heavy lump of a thing it is. Im going to stop feeling ill and just go and find something like painkillers. Ive lain around enough today. No more uber sleeps. Im sure Ill be back to the regular posting :)

I was sick today.

I stayed home. I was bored all day. Sure, illness got to me and i spent most of my day lying down feeling nauseous, wishing that migraines never existed. I really have nothing to report, because of my aimless day. Well, apart from i made pancakes and am about to make some stir fry beef. Well.. when i get around to it. I also wrote a poem! Yes, thats my gallery of some stuff that i like to draw and whatnot. Its been around for a while... and isnt exactly popular. Ah well, i figure is a place to bung all my stuff together. So yea... Perhaps I will have more to say tomorrow.

So hi. I have a really bad headache. Its from the stupid ASTs I had today. well.. theyre standardizing tests and they suck. I dont like their silly questions that make my head hurt. Here, have J.

So apart from the epic headache and the visit to that school over there, the ASTs and the sore nose, Im okay. Im awesome in fact. And doan ch'all know it? Hehe... my head hurts :(

So.. I havent got much to say really. Im tired, hungry and have a frickload of things on my mind. and by frickloads i mean school, money and sleep problems. damn i miss sleep. /sigh.

happy public holiday.

So yes, Its a public holiday and ive been paralyzed by cramps all day, and my freezing feet are no help. After i eat (ive cooked already...) i have to do a frickload of emergency research for my portfolio due tomorrow. I know, I know, its all my fault for leaving it all till now, but ive been busy.. sleeping and stuff. Also, nausea had been hanging around, and now i know why. Its not really comforting knowing why, but at least now i have something to swear at.

So yea. Im going to suck it up, the nonsense of my becoming older. its my first party in a while, and my mam is going to "supervise". Shame, yes, but im not going to do anything about it. Shes my mam, and shes giving me this, so im going to respect her and be grateful for what im getting :)

Im feeling a little woozy

So i didnt go to school today. I felt very... ill. that is to say that nausea caught up with me. I did manage t do todays drawing. Yay for elephants! (like megh). Who is Megh? Meghdutt is the elephant i made up in the books i made for art. Technically, saying his name spoils all four of the books (hehe im so proud of myself). the story is that he goes in search of a name, and gets given one at the end. hes a very silly little elephant, but you have to admire his dedication. he ends up in an alternate dimension and gets freaked out by a creepy evil elephant, gets picked on by Durga, helps out a lady because her washing line had fallen down and gets to meet god.

I was flipping through Vanity Fair (march 2010) and found some article about the 100 women who were responsible for the colouring of practically everything in Snow White (the Disney one). I then found of that they had this interesting book. I vote that everyone sees it. Its a cute little 20 page type thing, with pretty little retro (well, it was around wartime so wasnt retro then) drawings. is very noice :)

Damn you Blizz. You've made the best part of WoW into a mug. Yes, i love murlocs. Theyre adorable and cute and awesome and although im sure many have died at my own "hands", i cant get over the baby ones. theyre too cute. See the pic on right for the adorableness.

So have a sign for the lulz. Lastly, i have little to say. I give you my worse nightmare, and yes, it is tetris related. So have a good day, readers. I hope y'all have a good weekend :)

Hi there!

I plan on doing a Graeme Base. Im sure other artists have done this, but i want to do an alphabet series :) Today I give the internet "A: Awesome artist accepts her antibiotics". Done with markers, pen and watercolour.

So today went quite well, apart from my almost dying due to stress and nausea. Speaking of nausea, i need to make myself a cuppa and sit the heck down and study. I have an IT test tomorrow, after i do an english commentary. Whats a commentary you ask? Its gay, thats what it is. You get either a 40 line extract or a poem. there needs to be establishment of a general arguement, writers purpose, context, identify literary devices and stuff. its not good. well, im not good at it. i dont know... okay, im feeling sick. will go make tea now. bye internets!

I dont know what to write about.

I mean.. nothing has happened lately, apart from the unfortunate English assignment where I have to write a Austen-esque type letter
Spent the day at home because was feeling very weak and couldn't get out of bed. Those stupid boils hurt so much... Watched some Justice League, and then just laid around and slept. I might try to get some work done eventually but I think a cuppa tea is called for first. mmm cuppa :)
So Salmon and Jamesa showed up at my door around half past four. Was kinda strange. Mainly because I was lying around, looked out of my brothers window, and there they were. Being creepy. They came in for a while, watched some tv, called a random, then left around 5. Aimless children. They filled me in about the day at school, and how it was "quiet without me". Thanks for saying that I'm loud guys. :P
So apart from the usual, there really isn't much to say. I'm going to listen to the Beatles and chill out over a cuppa. Now for awesome yellow submarine type awesomeness, as seen below. :)

Its only Tuesday?

so yes.. it is. and it isnt even the end of tuesday, in fact i havent even gotten to sunset yet and im already tired. i think i might take a nurofen and have a nap. today was kind of okay. i mean, its not the everyday kind of day, and was slow and i spent most of the day falling asleep. myea... apart from art class. i loved art class. ive finished painting all of book 1 of 4 :)

weekend.

A new week, more terrifying experiences to be had. i have a problem. im sick of lack of emotional support. i hate how my best friend is usually out of town, and that the rest of my friends are too... different. i cant talk to them about some of the stuff i put in my blog, let alone about things i dont put here. i hate not being able to be close to someone.. but i know that its my fault. im just... a little bit lost.

on the bright side, i get to make a cover for friends cd type thing.. i think that what it is. or it just him asking for a portrait. either way, im glad to do it.

Im a little sick.

And i dont know why. Ive been a little sick all week, and it got worse today. i went to work, but fel too sick to do much apart from try to coach the new girl. i reeled off what did what and managed a friendly (well.. it was what i was going for) smile and then fell into a cab to die on my couch. is kinda lame. had one of those really open discussions on and offline last night. well.. they were two separate ones. i felt really sad afterwards. lifes a bitch, dont cha know?

i was sick earlier this morning. i didnt feel like being sick in class, so didnt go to school. i played pokemon after napping most of the morning away. i dont feel uber bad about it. people get sick, and better to get rid of sick than to have the ill at school. also, but brother has stolen my daily comic idea, ofcourse his comics are better. now my support mechanism is failing. joy. but not really. that was sarcasm. im sad now. but thats not why i was sick, not sads that ive had were reasons for my sick. i was actually sick. is probably that monthly evil thing. ugh. stupid female parts. all retarded and stuff. i dont even want children.

am ill. but... yeah.

My brother had a friend who called it "surfing the crimson wave". i'm sure y'all will catch the gist. i hate it. for some reason, i get uber tired, nauseous, dizziness and bad cramps. is horrible. so... is the valentines social tomorrow. i have to stay at school until 10pm. from 7.40am. isnt it going to be wonderful? yes. im sure it will be. i have an awesome hat to get me through the day. is my gangsta hat. it isnt... well... more "gangster" really. like... the 40's, mafia type thing. was the mafia in the 40s? maybe more in the 60s. who knows?
well... ive had a lame week. i think it's because my week started with extra responsibilities. i was told that i was going to be responsible for a panel discussion about international womens day and beijing +15. and uhm... im the youngest at work. oh well. go me?
so... i think im going insane slowly. i dont blame people, or any one person, but i think i blame society. society tells us that there have to be arseholes now and again. i guess so at least. i might be masochistic... but not the usual masochist, i just feel that if things are normal and happy and right, i have to go picking holes in what is perfect. just so theres drama, or so that things feel... normal. for me anyway. yes. im horrible. i know.
so, being ill, i need sleep. and seeing as its after 10, and i have to up at about 5.30 or so. so... uhm, bed? yes.