A flock of pigeons.

pigeons INDEED.

you want some context? let me oblige you.

Ive had a major development in the IT area after I left high school. I got my nerdy-outlet cutoff and i needed more kinda of rules as an "arts" major. I adopted lifehacker as a go-to and wondered how hard it would be to learn code and try to make a minecraft mod. but life gets in the way and im drawn away from rules of all of that and put in an exam room where i have to write an open ended essay and provide "personal response".

I dont like being personal all too often. Sure, I have a blog where i rant and rave and whatnot but i dont delve, per se. sometimes i dont want to substantiate a personal opinion, although i will if required.

when it comes to relating to people, i worry about being too honest because i dont want to lie, but i dont know whats appropriate. a newer friend of mine told me i was an attention seeker. this was after i made a conversation out of a comment of a classmate. apparently thats not what people do. nor was i supposed to say thank you to the bag guy twice not to mention i was "too loud".

rules i lived under apparently dont apply to the real world.

i like talking to people i can talk to. and finding those people is... in a word? difficult. i am loud. it might be because i spend a lot of time at home and get excited when i do talk. or my earbud wearing (the music headphoney things) has finally started to make me deaf. and i admit that i worry that what i say wont be heard, and no point saying something to someone that they cant hear.

i have been raised with my Ps and Qs well in check. You say thankyou. You tell the cabdriver to have a good day. And i do attempt eye contact where appropriate.

So. Wheres the connection to the pigeons? Have some personal response.

I dont understand people too often. When i was younger and spent a lot of time at the busstand in the afternoons, waiting for and in the namadi heights bus. that was the time the pigeons would flock as would the people. i would switch between the two to watch them. i understood neither how the groups of people formed nor why the pigeons made the shapes they did. they just did.

im getting to the point where i guess i have people i kind of get, some more than others. we dont always have the same rules of living, so i guess people will never to organised enough to do that bird synchronised thingy. wait, dancers sortve do that... and flashmobs... and people who do action choruses...

anyway i broke my analogy about human diversity. overall message? lets be ourselves... and can someone explain people to me someday? also- i applaud people who can dance. i cant. personal responses end here.

stay frosty :)

Bit of a Drama Queen

That's what I am. I can admit that on occasion, too frequent to be proud of, I have a drama queen moment. I overthink and i scare myself and end up crying or having a reaction that would be a little.. excessive. I mean, doesnt everyone from time to time act out a little bit too much? From missing wholemeal to missing tron, i tend to lose it a little too quickly. the cause of it all? Sometimes it's all thanks to our lovely friend, the monthly visitor, other times it's hunger, heat, dehydration or tiredness. Im going to roll around hating cramps and be close friends with this very expensive cup of noodles. cheery bye! proper update when i dont feel somewhat nauseous.

Je suis un peu triste... mais pas beaucoup.

Hey there. I'm warning you, this is going to be a little emo. I'm sorry but the thing is… I’ve been having a terrible week. It’s all lies, lies, lies and more lies, everywhere. Sure, I'm being a relative douche to my family and I hate myself for that. I hate how I'm disappointing everyone. I especially hate how I always manage to make my mother unhappy. I'm scared of her, and I'm terrified that I'm going to grow up and she and the rest of my family won’t want to have anything to do with me. I try to make them happy, I try at school but I'm stuck with a B grade, and I can’t do any better… I hate even thinking about University because all I want to do is Art school, but I know it’s not practical enough. I can’t bring it up because I feel bad even thinking about the money it takes to put up a portfolio space thing… I can’t ask that of her. I love my mother and I try to do anything that I can to keep her happy, but from time to time I just want a little space, and I know I probably am too young or have too much to do to have any space of me time. I'm really not reacting well to the new school week. I have to say though, friends like Salmon, Milkshake and especially Chocolate Milk and Wholemeal are making it easier to get through the days. That and occasional knocking out in the afternoon. If there’s one thing I hate about sleep… well, it’s a tie between the icky taste in my mouth when I wake up and the nightmares. I’ve been having them a lot lately. I don’t think it’s something to worry about. I probably have to just stop eating just before sleep.

In other news, Persepolis is an amazingly awesome movie. Well, the books are good, but the film adaptation is just as good. I cried a little, especially when her uncle Anoush gets executed. I also cried right at the end, when I found out that Marjane Satrapi’s grandmother died. I didn’t know… and she seems so close to her grandmother, not to mention that her grandmother seems to have been an awesome person. It also helped with my French a bit, seeing as it’s in French. I didn’t always have to read the subtitles… Okay… time to get some work done.

I did go to church..

Im starting to get a little skeptical. I do acknowledge that there are many parts of the christian faith that I dont agree with (I think.. but Im not going to go on about it..). However, today, it all got a little worse. In the sermon today,the congregation was told that we should live our lives for others. For...others. This sort of goes against my major plan life, that being that I want to be happy. I want to do things that I enjoy. And so on. Sure, there are exceptions, like how what Ill wear to my end of year ball will be whatever my mam wants, how I try to do things that she would be proud of... and so on. Also I make sure I dont break the "agree with a sad friend and make sure theyre feel better" rule. I do know something now. I want to make someone happy. I dont now how to do that exactly, but being there seems to be working for now... Ok, Im going back to my book... Im reading what is pretty much the sex and the city prequel. Im so jealous of Carrie and her confidence. Sure, she doesnt always know what to do, and shes trying to figure things out for herself, but the voice of the character is firm and sure in what she believes. Yes, Im jealous of a fictional character for her confidence. Sad? A little bit. I dont care, I love reading and I missed it so much... stupid IB.

So.. Hi. Today is H day. I did this this morning, but havent been able to blog until now. Ive had to do things. Like go to church, movies, sleep, eat, shower, the usual. i love happy memories.

So Im a little tired, and a little bored, and hardly hungry, but I have to get clean, scoff something down my throat and look presentable, because will have to go to a 3 hour movie type thing with my mam and try not to die from boredom. Firstly, its going to be in a language i cant understand, and i hate going to hindi movies because i get looked at funny by all those "proper indians". so yea. Now i go away. and leave you with an obama cupcake :)

Good evening ladies and gents

or should i say good morning? thanks to my irresponsibility, Im up late cramming for my exams that start tomorrow. I can be bothered to do something wind-down-esque in between the time of now and the time of when i finish this blog post. Ive just given up trying to do some crazy type of optimisation thing, and i have to honest here: I love algerbra, but i suck at applying it. Its easy to make a formula awesome and find that x value youve been looking for, but putting it in context.. My head explodes. I saw something online last night when i was clearing out my reader instead of doing actual work (i say last night, but i mean saturday night. it is now monday morning).

Its a gmail hoody and I would like one. why? because it says gmail on it. and that.. is hardcore. something else that is hardcore is the next image to be posted. I dont really understand it because i cannot understand history at all, but i dont care. Its awesome and pretty and i would like to show off the fact that ive seen it.

Now doesnt that look freaking awesome? I have no idea whats going on (i also am bad at world geography and i have no idea where the european countries are on their continent but its still visually awesome).

In other unrelated news, i think im going to make another list this week. I will remind myself that on thursday night, or perhaps even wednesday as my exams would be over by then, i will make another list. whether this will be an extension of what i do like, or a new one of things that i dont like, will be decided on the day and it will be up to my mood whether i dwell on the happy or the sad. Below is a happy type list that i found online. The thing is i found all these images and starred them on saturday. the list came with a caption type thing that went along the lines of: "my favourite quote is that 'the best things in life are not things'". Maybe thats what ill do; write a list of things that arent things that i consider to be awesome. I hope i wont repeat too many things. :)

So nighty-night internet. I do realise that i dont exactly have too much in the way of a readership, if thats a word... but those who do read this... i appreciate it :) sometimes it feels so much better just to put your thoughts out there. I know that when i talk, more often than not, no one other than myself is actually listening. I like to think that they dont listen because their opinions of what i say doesnt matter to me. Those who do listen, however, are the ones that matter. Maybe thats what friends are... people who will always take the time to just listen, or at least look like theyre listening. Venting is always good for the soul. :)

"a big favour"

this term is used often in my extended family. i hate it. yes, i'm consciously using the word hate to describe something. it's never a big favour and when i dont want to do it, it ends up being a BFD and i usually CBF giving a dam about these people. yes, these are the people who let me stay at their house while my mother was away for almost a month one year, but they were also the people who displaced me from my room so i ad to sleep on the bleddy couch. hehe, aren't i a horrible person? i unconditionally love these people.. but sometimes, being alone, in my space of my own... it's what i like.
so church was okay today. the cute guy and i served together. he said something along the lines of "you know how i said that i'd call you?". me: "uhhuuuh" (i was a little busy lighting candles), him: "yeah well i forgot.. sorry". i mean s'okay. i really really dont know him. he hates tetris. thats a deal breaker right there isnt it?
so yea... i dont know where the rest of me is going. the dark mood has lifted for a bit, thanks to distraction... but will it be back? prolly.