So am nomming stuff. Some honey stars, chocolate, i has some mountain dew too. ive had a lot of jelly/jello and half a bag of CC's. i get hungry. sure it's a lot. i also had no money so one, i have too, of my vegetarian friends bought me a pie. we then proceeded to have a discussion about chicken juice. i was referring to gravy, but accidently said chicken juice and then we continued to call it that. i also had a very unpractical day. i havent done much homework this week. i wrote some english stuff, the final which is due tomorrow, but still havent finished it.

so had a crazy dream this morning. it started on a bus, where i helped this crazy fat lady with her kids. one was a little girl, one a boy with a weird shaped head, and a pair of siamese twins, which were more melded together than joined. they shared a body, but there were 2 faces where there should have been just one. the lady let me hang with her kids, but didnt want them back. i forced them back and went into the next room. after a while i was looking for the kids because i was worried and found a newborn laying on the floor crying, i picked it up and saw that the fat lady wasnt fat; the bady was hers. i gave her her baby and yelled at her. i woke up but fell back asleep and dreamt that i was at the school canteen and saw a friend of mine, who has really long hair, kind of a blond fro that grows down. he had short hair so i freaked out a little but woke up and had to have a shower for school.

So time to go finish my honey stars and chocolate. :D

the end!!

facade

i send a facade email. masks are gay. especially metaphoric masks. and i hate hate hate in teh strongest uses of teh words being lied to. what else dont i like?

i dont like being avoided. i also hate being confronted. i am a paradox in myself. terrible consequence: am isolated. i dont actually mind though. i am comfortable around no one. like now for instance, when hardly anyone is home.

Jonathon Coulton is my new idol. i like his music. it makes me smile most of the time. 'code monkey' is my new theme tune. next to 'tom cruise crazy'. and am going crazy over love.

not that love is my problem. writing about love is the problem. i am uber unskilled and unfamiliar with pretty much and degree of love. it's all very new to me. love is hugs. love is whispers in teh dark. love is texting at 4 in the morning about homework. love is 2 ways. love is gradual. love is not just being told what to do, but allowing extra imput. love is respect. love is... complicated.

love is also insane. in all forms.

the end i suppose.

Because i has awesome shoes!

So thats my awesome shoe!!

i has two.

they are boot-ee-full

:D

Boats and School Balls

so had a long week, of course. school is a b**h, and i can't stand how much pressure is put on teenagers especially around the ball. i had a great time, but supposed that i made a stupid choice. but i suppose i'll put that behind me. "i'm on shrooms!!!!" :D

i'm also trying to get used to my new shoes that i bought for the ball.

one day i'll blog about it because they're beautiful. they're my first girly shoes ever. and i'm so tired of things and am getting used to deep conversations with friends.

short posts. Duh. :D

Half life

im disappointed today. mainly because i went everywhere and no one, as in absolutely anyone, has black eyeliner or concealer. ergo, today i am angry. that and i got hit in the head with a french book because my head was in the path of throwingness or some gay make up expression like that.

now my brother's all, "i'm dying", or some such gay shit. i am really angry in retrospect. because it's all very frustrating. school is damn stupid and i see absolutely no point in giving a damn about half life or analysing a book or long divison of polynomials. i see absolutely no point and it just makes me want to lie down and die for a while, so i dont have to get up and walk in the cold to get a bus that i have to wait for by myself.

coldyplay is definately not helping. yay for beer as it clearly is going to be the highlight of my day when i eventually do my physics experiment. BLAH.

Haunted by Cute Gay Couples

So am writing this up while listening to yellow submarine. Person who never came to school was just online >_> for about 2 seconds, to deposit LIES. anyways. i really like the movie. especially that of the part with the LSD. i laugh too much watching it.

its freezing in suva at the moment. apparently it's 21 degrees celcius. ergo im freezing. im used to it being in teh high 20's and low 30's most of the time. i dont mind humidity, i really hate the cold.

for english, i have decided to write a relatively short, 1500 or something words, story. because i can and would love to write it. its about love. and i decided to do something about forbidden love. and one thing lead to another and i've decided to make it about gay love. about two guys. i suppose it's not ever so original but i can't get the idea of a happy couple who love each other, but can't be together. apparently a good idea, according to my teacher, would be to have it local, with people my own age. so i figure it's going to be an innocent love as well. because who doesnt love a bit of happy innocent love? i know i adore it :P

suppose that's it for today. my hands are freezing so am going to close the window next to the computer that's bringing in the cold air. therefore i can hardly move my fingers to type.

so, the notebook i rant on about often, is a "hp". and i think it's funny basically because "hp" is an acronym for many things. let's look at them shall we?

1.) Health points

videogame terminology. how much damage you can take before keeling over and dying. when out of hp, one requires to be rezzed, a pheonix down or to spirit run :P

2.) Horse power

a random unit for something that i'm sure is related to engines.

3.) Harry Potter

little prissy boy who probably figures he's the jah, but really isnt. by the by, jah as in "the boss", like that song. by those people... who made "im on a boat".

4.) House Party

usually fun, especially when it's not at your house and you don't have to worry about cleaning up. i like not worrying about cleaning up... :D

5.) Head Pixie

when you convince yourself was in your head when you heard a voice that told you to stab that guy. four times. after all those drugs. mmmn, drugs. :)

6.) Hewlett-Packard

a brand whatchumacallit. the thing also written on my notebook. which i love. yay computerer!! :D

Anyways, time for me to go. and the picture below is what my notebook looks like... sans (without) stickers and stuff that i has :D

nausea

so this is being typed from the couch at home, off my notebook. im feeling really sick and tired. had two cups of nissin noodles and had about a giant bottle of water making me feel a bit more tired. above is a white wine i had with diner at cardo's at port denarau a couple of weeks ago. it went well with the awesome steak i got. that is all i have, and apparently it no longer matters that i get nausea and get sick at school because according to my douche brother (before the enema... >_> ) "it happens too often". Bleh.

Nakavu

i went to nakavu village, i think it was called, in nadi. it was part of the rural visits i went on, and as the three femlinkers sat with the woman whose husband had been the village chief, i think, in the village hall. other women slowly trickled in until there where about 12 or so of them sitting around in a circle. they had open discussions about who they were, their days and their issues before we started to record.

one woman, the third youngest there, spoke about having a mastectomy. my mother's ears pricked. breast cancer? this women was supporting her family of three children and i think her husband worked too. she had to go to lautoka, the next town, which is actually a city, over for her treatment. she didnt know that she even had breast cancer until after they had the tumour removed. cancer awareness i villages in fiji isnt all that present.

as this women got a bit taery while saying that she couldnt work for a couple of years because of the cancer. she looked quite well the time we saw her. i reflected later that night and tried not to call anyone or cry. this woman, whose mother was sitting in then hall with us, was telling us of her hardships. all the worries i have, samed to pale in comparison.

i felt happy for a short while for my advantages and gifts, but soon sunk into deep regret that i was one of the ones who wasnt there in the sense that i felt sorry for those who had less or who were in a worse rut than myself and just that i knew those so fortunate. but then my heart lfted there in that hall, so see the strength that women had. how she was strong enough to go through all that ans still smile without the slightest sign. it makes me feel better some days. as stupid as that sounds.

anyway. finished this post is, as master yoda would say.

Wish for...

i am a producer and presenter for a community radio station. i am a year eleven student in suva. i am tired. for the past three weeks, including this one, i have been doing work, during my semester break. i do enjoy my work but because of the women we help, through either empowerment and providing them a space to voice their opinions, hardships and ideas, i feel that sometimes it is all too much. it was my first rural visit really. we went to nadi, ba, back to suva for a day, then savusavu and labasa. both main islands. the last place, labasa, was the most challenging for me. there were a lot more young people than expected. one young woman i had met was nineteen and has a two month old son; he was a beautiful baby, gray eyes and so cuddly. we interviewed her on air with a group of other young people. she was fine up until we asked everyone to say what they wished for, if that had one wish. there was one person who wanted to be a policewomen and stop crime, and one boy who wanted to be a solider like his father. then there was this young, very young, mother. she wished for a better education. she was forced to drop out of school so that she could stay at home and do the farming, by her stepmother. i was trying hard not to cry myself. her mother and father had been separated thirteen years, during which she was tormented, which might be too strong a word, but i feel this way, not her. we thanked her for sharing her story and reminded her that just because she didnt finish school didnt mean that she could start back up again. she was brilliant in my eyes as she spoke fijian, hindi and english well, whereas i can hardly speak anything other than english. after the visits i felt so bad and angry at some of the people i knew who are naive and spoilt. but it is not my position to judge.

i suppose i'll conclude with the hope that i'll keep writing.

The above picture is of the console on the suitcase radio, and below is a photo i took of the sky when we, my mother/boss and friend/colleague, were driving from ba towards tavua after rigging the first week friday.